I've been quiet for a few days because I have been having a really difficult time, and I think I need to vent about it before I can move on. If you've had conversations with me go cold in recent days, apologies - I'm finding it quite hard in general to talk.
I'll not beat around the bush: I've spent far too much time watching people die over the last couple of years. We've had a _lot_ of losses in our family, and we've spent the last three weeks making tense daily visits to the ICU as @Glitter_brawl's dad's life hangs by a thread.
It's fucking relentless. Since Tallie was born, we've spent a huge amount of our time in hospital, and it's begun to feel like that's normal. I'm still not really over burying mum or dad, and there's been a string of other deaths that we have and haven't talked about on here.
All of that is quite something, but I have to say, the thing that's pushed me into the territory of not being able to cope is the sheer, pounding nihilism and snarky despair of twitter. We joke about 'this hell website', but it really is a vast, seething panopticon of misery.
We're quite isolated, at the moment. Popping onto twitter is the nearest I get to engaging with friends most days, in between hospital and work and looking after ourselves. But it's got to the point where even seeing the little fucking bird logo makes my heart race with anxiety.
You can drown in the sheer, casual fatalism here, the refusal to entertain hope or kindness. And while everyone legit cares about mental health, everyone also still constantly wisecracks about the end of the world, and it's not really great for my head.
Please, please, please don't reply to this telling me how shit the world is. I don't need it today. I'm just saying this because it's been choking me for days. I'm not leaving twitter as it's a pretty important part of my job, but I need to stop reading it for fun.
Thanks to people sending me nice messages - it's appreciated. I'm simultaneously feeling desperate for contact, and exhausted by the idea of talking. Basically, things have been very stressful for a very long time and I'm just having a bit of a shout.
PS there is certainly still good in the world, and I'm a believer in it. But I'm absolutely _flattened_ at the moment. Also, I'll be back to my normal self soon - I didn't buy an entire fucking roman ghost costume not to do a proper bit on halloween, did I?
