nobody needs to hear yet again that employee self evaluations are pointless fucking bullshit but they really are
and it's specifically because their entire purpose is to make you sheepishly fill out an entire form with "Yes I Suck And Don't Deserve A Raise" and everyone fucking knows it
the purpose is to get you to sign, under duress, a document that says you are a bad employee. you aren't allowed to not fill it out, and you know what'll happen if you write "I'm doing fine and I don't need to improve on anything"
You'll probably never have a request for a raise challenged by holding up this document, but it still plants the seed in your head. you know you picked "Needs Improvement" because you were afraid of having an "Acceptable" knocked *down* to "Needs Improvement"
These things are psychological fucking torture, designed to confuse and frighten and belittle us so that we will feel completely defeated by the time it's time to ask for more money because the cost of living increased.
You're never told that just marking 5's across the board will get you in trouble, but you know it will. Somehow, through cultural osmosis, or simply through having been a child and knowing what happens when you don't act subservient.
As a child you know that you are never correct about anything if you've been noticed. You can never defend yourself, you can never defend your decisions or ideas. If you are being spoken to it is a Learning Time and you will answer everything deferentially.
You can't win a conversation with a Superior about whether you're worth money. It's impossible, and you shouldn't be forced to have one on paper in this stilted, forced fashion that puts words in your mouth like a shitty therapy intake form.
The most minimal thing these do is force you to say that you intend to Excel. I do not. Nobody does. It's a lie, and so these things are predicated on lies, from the ground up. They are falsehoods by their existence.
Again, the purpose is to make you a liar, to make you lie and insult yourself so that when you get to the in-person interview about the form you filled out you will feel so embarrassed that you will try to get it over with as quickly as possible.
This is the sort of thing that happened at witch trials or inquisitions. Being forced to sign a statement in someone elses carefully chosen words that either damns you or puts your head on the chopping block.
My boss will feel compelled to yell at me for this. If I actually submit it, I will make a wreck of our post-survery interview because this is absolutely unexpected and will derail him completely. 
The only thing I could put here that would be the honest truth is "Our ticketing system sucks dog shit" but every request I've made to replace or improve it in the last four years has been 100% ignored, completely stonewalled. it cost us $0
I did in fact use the self review to complain about the ticketing system and shift all the blame away from myself. Eat shit
