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Seamas It Ever Was
@shockproofbeats
, 4 tweets, 1 min read Read on Twitter
Just spent ~90 seconds explaining the "2:30 Dentist appointment" joke over the phone to a dentist ***who had just assigned me a 2:30 appointment***. This should be first day of dental school, surely? She was not impressed, and got a bit annoyed. I'm actually sweating.
My voice kept getting more and more meek but I kept going, my wife pissing herself all the while.
- [sheepishly] no i just mean it's like that joke
- Sorry
- [v timid] the dentist joke, 2:30
- Do you need another time?
- [exceptionally meek] No no it's fine. Tooth-hurty? No?
- Sir is half two convenient for you?
- [at the volume of a literal flea, tasked with speaking directly into the ear of a puppy it admires] ʸᵉˢ
oh my god she does this to someone every single day doesn't she?
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Seamas It Ever Was
@shockproofbeats
Yes, there is a photograph of me and my baby getting spa facial treatments in today's Observer. Why do you ask?
This week I was lucky enough to write about the very nice spa weekend I sampled with my (then) four month old son in November. It's no 12 on this list. theguardian.com/travel/2019/ja…
I'd never been on a spa weekend, and it was very nice! I'd recommend it. But most importantly, we took loads of pics that made it look like my son, who is a baby, was getting some lil spa treatments for his self. This was v important to me.
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Seamas It Ever Was
@shockproofbeats
Anyone else beginning to resent how much your baby loves his singing toy penguin more than he loves you? Or are you all perfectly fine with him staring at you you like you're a puddle of dog sick, but greeting Pingie like he's a beautiful son, returned from war.
I've given up. I'm officially on strike. Pingie is his dad now. Yes, he has a cool mask and flippers but good luck getting a feed out of him, you little Judas.
We get it. You have a cool mask. We all know you have a cool mask. You never give over about your cool mask. Self praise is no praise, my G.
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Seamas It Ever Was
@shockproofbeats
But if you were trying not to disturb someone then walking on eggshells nearby would be the last thing you'd do. The prep alone would be so distracting.
My wife: Marjorie is incredibly offended by what you said at dinner last night, so just give her some space this morning, ok?
Me, putting on crocs as I crumble 40 eggshells onto the lino: Absolutely
It would actually be so rude.
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