DiGiorno's has always had insane commercials, but they have a new ad campaign promoting their new black "pizza tray" that's so goddamn deranged I'm here on Twitter talking about it. So I guess this is a thread about pizza commercials. 1/14 
In the special tray ads, they ridicule of the concept of pizza delivery because it has too many steps. "Those pizza restaurants have to make it! And put it in a BOX!? A-and put the box in a BAG!? And then, and then DRIVE IT TO YOU!? IN TRAFFIC! It's madness!!!"
No one could have known this before now, but mocking the people who work hard to bring me hot pizza isn't what I'm looking for in a frozen pizza-like product.
But forget the mean-spirited stupidity of it for a minute. Telling me your pizza is "fresh from the tray" because you fucking added the color black to its paperboard tomb isn't a brag. It isn't anything. Fuck your trash pizza and your excitement over its irrelevant details.
The quality of pizza is not determined by how recently it touched a microwaveable tray, DiGiorno's. This would have been explained to you on the first day of pizza school if you went to pizza school instead of the Cursed Palace of Diarrhea-Flavored Casseroles.
DiGiorno, you sell a product that requires me to drive to the store, wait in line, store an ancient rectangle of food, excavate it months later, then cook myself. There is no product I own with more steps than that. I've had entire human relationships with fewer steps than that.
And you know what? I've only mentioned MY theoretical part in getting your awful pizza inside me, DiGiorno's. If we're allowed to count all the human misery leading to it, like you do in your latest ad campaign, fine. Let's do that.
You had to pay scientists to develop a dye for pork assholes that stays red after being thawed and refrozen eight times. You had to consult food lawyers to zero in on how much hydrogenated corn oil you can add to rendered cow hoof and still call it "cheese."
A focus group had to decide on the 13 most trustworthy terms for "added sugar" and corrupt nutritionists worked to find the perfect amount of each that would allow you to space them out through the depressing Russian novel you call "Ingredients."
You had to hire a marketing team that, for like 30 fucking years, went with the idea of "COMMERCIAL WHERE DUMB FUCKS THINK AN OBVIOUSLY FROZEN PIZZA WAS ACTUALLY MADE BY A RESTAURANT AND CLANDESTINELY DELIVERED TO THEIR HOME."
Your ads never made sense. No one knows so little about pizza they would think a hot rectangle of chemical waste was "delivery," which is a turn of phrase no one uses. So you thought you should make commercials that require MORE suspension of disbelief?
The new ad premise is "Getting a pizza delivered takes too many steps?" What dark universe do you come from? Bitch, I live in a home where any of 28 devices might order me pizza on accident. A couple years ago, some assholes designed SHOES that ordered pizza.
If DiGiorno's was a child's first pizza, they would say, "This clearly frozen pizzaish bullshit came from the labor of many sad men and women." So if you want to convince me that "delivery" is undesirable because it involves too many steps, GET YOUR OWN HOUSE IN ORDER, DIGIORNO.
In conclusion, DiGiorno's... STOP BEFOULING OUR REALM WITH YOUR MADNESS! RETURN YOUR PIZZA TO THE FROZEN LATRINES OF NIFLHEIM FROM WHENCE IT CAME! MAY THE TONGUES OF YOUR MARKETING DEPARTMENT BE CUT OUT BEFORE THEY FLAY THE SANITY FROM OUR MINDS!
