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Desmond Swayne looks like a man who massively misjudges personal space boundaries, and always speaks 10 decibels higher than appropriate. 
Slaps people needlessly hard on the back as he explains the joke he's just told through bursts of uncomfortably roary laughter.
Guaranteed manspreader.
Always leaves the toilet door open, and puts both hands behind his head with his back arched and elbows pointing out, when he pisses. Wipes hands on towel without washing them.
Orders meat "still mooing".
Thinks his grandchildren should spend most of their time cross-country running.
Mobile phone ringtone is the Dambusters March.
Sole strategy in Monopoly is to buy Mayfair and Park Lane.
Has never eaten a meal without first administering salt to it for at least 20 seconds.
Always hits the ball too hard when playing mini golf, then claims the holes are "ridiculous".
Refers to his penis as 'The Commander'.
