Thread by @TheBeaverDoctor

BREAKING: obscure federal Office of Calligraphy internal memo leaked on how furloughed employees can make ends meet during the shutdown! Some examples include:
1. Consider selling a kidney or an eyeball on the black market. God gave you 2 as insurance policy for these times!

2. Finish writing next installment of G.R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire (aka Game of Thrones) books on a 10-day contract. Only hard if you don't apply yourself!
3. The 2019 federal Child Tax Credit is now $2000 per child! Better get busy, wink, wink! (see #6 for more info)

4. Uber seems to have enough drivers but have you considered seeing if they need commercial airline pilots at the airport? How hard can it be?
5. Collect a $10 fee every time Aunt Mamie tells you are just being dramatic and stop complaining and you should have planned better!

6. Invent a time machine to wage bets on famous sporting events where you already know the outcome! Satan's Pantload in '62 Derby is a sure winner!
7. Tryout for JEOPARDY! Visit website for more info: jeopardy.com/be-on-j. Be sure to ask if they will advance you winnings!

8. Ask the Federal Government to just pay you....haha, just kidding, this is a list of practical tips only!
9. Contact as many friends and neighbors as possible to borrow any extra bootstraps they may have laying around, and then pull on them really hard! No pain, no gain!!!!

10. If rabbit fighting is legal in your state, consider hosting a Rabbit Fight Night and charging a $100 cover!

Special thanks to Alexandra Petri @petridishes for inspiration!