Thread by @DrNerdLove

Well it’s Saturday at AggieCon and I’m hopped up on so many meds I’m seeing vapor trails. Means it’s a perfect time to talk about something that comes up a lot whenever I table at a con: a subtle way that we end up reinforcing toxic masculine tropes. /1

So when I table at cons, I’ve got my banner, my merch, my cards and my books. All of which make it clear that I do dating advice.

Inevitably, there are folks who will walk by with their friend, son, brother or whatever and say “you need this” /2

I always hate it when folks do this because it generally means I won’t make a sale. Nobody likes getting called out by their friends like that and so they get defensive and refuse to even look at my books /3

This is in no small part because we still live in a society where we believe in a dating binary for men. Either you’re good with girls or you aren’t. And ADMITTING that you’re bad with girls is even more shameful than trying to pretend you aren’t. /4

(We can get into why this is the case in another rant, but this lines up with a lot of BAD advice out there) /4a

The folks who are ribbing their companions are - knowingly or otherwise - reinforcing the idea that being bad with girls is shameful. That, in turn, makes the person being teased feel the need to push back. /5

They end up trying to perform their masculinity even HARDER to compensate for being teased. “I don’t need this! I do great with women!” Etc. Etc. /6

So not only does he feel embarrassed for being called out, but the idea that he’s lesser has been reinforced. It perpetuates the idea that if you are bad with girls, there’s something deficient in you and there’s nothing you can do. /7

(And then he misses on an opportunity to learn how to develop the skills that will help him get better with women via my books but that’s another rant) /7a

It’s a subtle thing, but it helps reinforce these negative, toxic standards, making people feel ashamed for their lack of experience. /8

Obviously my job is centered around helping people get better at dating. But someone not being socially skilled or experienced isn’t something to be ashamed of. The virgin isn’t any less than the player. /9

There’re plenty of ways you can encourage your friends or family to grind up their social skills without making them feel ashamed in the process.

TL;DR, don’t shame your friends for needing some dating help.

And buy my books. /end