Thread by @DrNerdLove

I see a lot of folks talking about what they're leaving behind in 2018. In keeping with today's Ask Dr. NerdLove (nrdlv.co/2Rivgx5), here's something I'd like to see folks leave behind in 2018: their belief that it's hopeless. <thread>

If you check the links in the first letter, you may notice just how many letters I've run from virgins and people with little to no dating experience. This is easily one of the largest categories of letters I get from people -- people who think that the window has closed. /2

If you read through them, the thing that's striking is HOW WIDE THE RANGE OF AGES run. I get letters from teens, 20 somethings and 50 somethings, all of whom are assuming that they've reached a certain point and now they're doomed to celibacy and loneliness. /3

(And this is without getting into the incel community, which is an entirely different ball o wax) /3a

Now here's the thing: that's all *bullshit*. There's no such thing as too late. The only true point of no return is as you're fucking DYING.

Are you still alive? Cool, you still have time. Like a sexual Ebenezer Scrooge, the spirits brought you back with enough time to change.

But here's the thing: most people aren't complaining about virginity. Ignoring that virginity is a bullshit concept, losing one's virginity is stupidly easy. People do it all the time.

The thing they're complaining about is the MEANING they've assigned to it. /5

I mean, want to lose your virginity? Sex workers, my dude. There're plenty out there who will very happily and compassionately help you have a first time that you will enjoy and have more sensuality and pleasure than a drunken bar hook-up.

But they don't want that. /6

Because that 'doesn't count'. Because paying a sex worker is somehow less "real" than if somebody *chooses* to sleep with you.

But just between you, me and the rest of Twitter: my dudes, I don't think you understand *why* folks will choose to sleep with somebody. /7

It ain't because they could detect your superior genetics. It isn't because you have higher social value or you have a bank account in the seven figures.

A lot of times? They got an itch and you were an acceptable warm body. /8

Or they were lonely. Or they wanted validation. Or they were sleeping with *you* to send a message to someone *else*.

A lot of times, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU.

Because like I've said about virginity before and about women in particular: women ain't Mjolnir. /9

No woman is wearing panties that read "whomsoever shall part these thighs, should they be worthy, shall have the power of Score."

(And if they are, I'd like royalties, please.)

So let's be honest: it's not about virginity. It's about how you feel. /10

Because the stigma surrounding virginity is the same BULLSHIT stigma surrounding sex in general. Look at the MGTOWs, look at the Red Pill crew, look at the incels and the MRAs. It's all part and parcel of the toxic sex negativity we as a culture soak in. /11

Declaring men to be worth how much ass they eat and how much ass they beat and women to be worth only their age and how much sex they DON'T have.

Guys are supposed to get laid no matter the cost and then shame women for fucking them. /12

Which is why opting out of that bullshit stigma is a fucking power move. Refusing to let assholes define you because you haven't had a particular experience is punk as fuck. Not basing your self-worth on the emotional equivalent of toxic waste is freedom. /13

And learning to not just love yourself but *forgive* yourself, to have hope and have self-compassion? That's a goddamn SUPERPOWER in this the year of our lord 2018.

Get bit by some radioactive self-forgiveness, motherfuckers. /14

So here's what I'd like to see people do in 2019. I'd like to see people have the strength, the guts, the *audacity* to refuse to give up on themselves. I'd like to see people commit to loving themselves, for what they have AND haven't accomplished. /15

I'd like to see you say "You know what, I haven't had sex yet. I haven't had the love life I'd like. And THAT'S OK because there's still plenty of time and I can make it happen. Because there are awesome people out there." /16

And then I'd like to see you *commit* to that. To build your life in such a way that you're PROUD of it and yourself, regardless of whether you're single or not, whether you're a virgin or not. To live in a way that lines up with your values. /17

And as you're giving up the stigma around *your* sex life, then you start to help fight against the stigma around *other* people's sex lives. Don't care if they've slept with 0 people or 1000 -- if everyone's safe and consenting, have the damn time of your life. /18

Because yeah, there're assholes out there who will judge you. There're folks who are ignorant who will still buy into the idea that if you're a virgin past age X -- where x = any age above single digits - are deficient. Disregard them. /19

The ones who're cool can still come around. They can still learn. The ones who're just assholes can be kicked to the curb with a quickness because assholes gonna ass.

But living an awesome, positive life helps bring awesome, positive people to it. /20

And the people who are awesome? They're gonna understand. They're going to recognize that whether you've slept with someone or not is no big deal. And it's far better to find someone who's awesome, understanding and compassionate -even if you're middle-aged or older. /21

'cuz trust me, I am here from the future to tell you: I've seen the "lose your virginity at all costs as soon as possible" play out and it *always* leaves you feeling hollow. There will *always* be a reason why it didn't count.

Screw that. Life's too short. /22

If you're single, let the love of your life be the love of YOUR life. Live an amazing life, help make the world a little better, a little safer, a little warmer and more compassionate. It sounds woo-woo but it really does rebound to you. /23

Maybe you didn't find love or sex on the schedule you'd prefer. That's OK. That's FINE. There's still time, there's still hope and there are still people out there who are right for you.

You'll get there. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.

All will be well. /fin