Thread by @OG_Arist0tle

So something happened during my last stream.

I’ve been doing my usual thing and just beating myself up over it.

Sharing time.

Warning: this might change how you think about me, but it probably shouldn’t.

So I was raided by someone I didn’t know. We were in the middle of a GM Stronghold and I was in focus mode. I heard the alert go off and glanced at it quickly to see what was up.

Started thanking and had to read the name a few times because it was new to me.

Still doing Anthem things, but wanted to make sure to say thanks and ask what the person was up to and if they had a good stream.

That stuff matters to me. I tend to actually care about people and stuff. Weird, I know.

Did some back and forth and got some info.

Found out what they had been up to, that they had been raided and wanted to pass on people to new people.

In general, good stuff. I had good feelings. Made a mental note to go check them out later. I like people.

Then shit got weird.

They said they were disappointed that I wasn’t more excited and appreciative for their raid. That I would have had a fan, but because I didn’t impress them that they were leaving.

SUPER awkward. I just immediately had so many questions.

What is the response that was expected or was being requested?

Why was my gratitude and genuine personal interest not an adequate response?

Why bring that up if you aren’t going to continue the conversation?

Just, so many thoughts. I didn’t know which ones to go with first.

So I just start asking. I said I wished they were still there so I could ask them directly.

Oh boy were they.

I jokingly asked if jumping up and down and wetting myself was more in line with expectations. Backflips maybe.

Well, yes, that would have been acceptable to them.

Stream goes on. Conversation goes on. Couple comments here and there.

Still awkward.

Then it happens.

THE line.

“have a nice day you unappreciative bastard :)”

Instantly my new favorite joke for the rest of the stream.

This was a mask. As most masks are meant to do, this was a cover.

It was a cover, not for pain, but for sadness. Not because I was hurt by the words, but because the words were not entirely wrong.

Well, at least from a viewer perspective. I get that. I’ll explain.

I’m quick to laugh and love and smile (smirk). Those are easy and positive emotions. I try to live there as often as I can.

I often have a stoic or “dumb” face. This is most often when I’m anxious, stressed, tired, or focused.

What you don’t know is why.

Some may know that I have misophonia. Some may even know what it is. If you want to look it up, my activation types are eating and breathing.

My activations tend to the “fight” end of fight-or-flight.

Rage, heartracing, muscle tightening, berserker style.

I’m even in the super lucky 4% that is capable of self-activation.

That means that every time I eat or drink or breath in the wrong way, I could set myself off.

The actual, physical strain that this places on my body will probably kill me someday.

Imagine sitting down with your tea or beverage of choice and having a sip.

Pleasant? Nice.

Imagine me sitting down with my coffee and drinking it wrong and having a heart attack or an aneurysm from the physical response my body has to the SOUND of it.

Not quite as nice.

So what is a young, intelligent, short, skinny white kid supposed to do with this lovely faulty neurological wiring that is obviously a danger to himself and those he loves?

You learn to deal. You don’t bottle it. That’s not good for anyone.

You learn how to handle it.

It’s my problem and I just want to be normal. Or at least as close as I can get.

Breakfast, walls up.

Lunch, walls up.

Dinner, walls up.

Cold and flu season, walls up.

All day, every day. It’s going to happen, you know it is. With the mask on, nobody will see.

Holidays, family events, birthdays, business meetings, friendly get togethers, walking through town.

Food. Is. Everywhere.

If I don’t do it, I won’t last long. It’s a necessary risk.

I must take precautions. Be on guard.

Walls up, mask on. Prepare.

People have asked before, so since I’m disclosing I might as well take it head on.

Yes, even in intimate moments there are noises.

All the adult entertainment should be muted.

Yep. Well, moving on.

By this point you might be getting somewhat of an idea what kind of perspective I’ve adopted over the decades.

Stress, being tired, anxiety etc all lower my natural defenses that I’ve had to develop to keep myself from going off.

When it happens, I have to let it pass.

It is happening to me, it does not define me. There is a storm and I immediately and almost reflexively (after much practice and effort) let it drain away.

Wu wei

Like a reed in the wind

This has been an effective method for me. I have been able to handle myself.

It has taken a lifetime to be able to learn this. It is an achievement. It is something that I am really damn proud of.

It comes with a mask.

Sometimes it slips. I’m ashamed of that. More than you know.

Sorry that mask isn’t always interesting to the casual passerby.

I hope you never need to wear it.

I truly hope that you can enjoy an unfettered life without fear and restraint.

Have a nice day you unappreciative bastard.