Thread by @StephEvz43

So I want to share something that happened at work this week that happens to #WomanInSTEM A LOT, and it SUCKS. I wasn’t sure I would because I know some people from work watch my account, but I think it’s important.

We had a customer meeting this week. 20-ish people in the room, another 10 on the phone, aaaand guess who the only woman in the room is.

It’s an important meeting, so the guy running it goes, “We need someone to take minutes and actions and notes. Stephanie how about you do it.”

Again, only woman in the room, AND I’m in the room WITH the customer, so immediately, I fumble with how to handle it. It’s stereotypical. It’s embarrassing. I’m mad, but I have to play it cool, even though my face feels like it’s on fire.

I mumble something like “sure”, immediately feel like I have let EVERY female engineer on Earth down, and try to listen in to what’s happening despite the blood pounding in my ears.

This is not the first time it’s happened, but it is still upsetting.

Now some of you guys may be going, “Jesus, you just had to take notes.”

Yeah, but I, the only female engineer in the room was TOLD to take notes. In a room filled with laptops and men capable of typing, I was chosen.

I then sat through the next 3.5 hours getting asked CONSTANTLY “Did you get all that?” I felt humiliated, even when I got to the portion of the slides that I was presenting as an ENGINEER, I wondered if everyone in the room knew I was one.

I know I didn’t keep my cool the whole time. I got mildly snarky at the end when asked “Did you get all that?” And I replied with a hint of Dolores Umbridge voice “Well I certainly hope so.”

I walked out of the meeting and could have run a marathon powered on rage alone, and then two good things happened. Things that can be improved upon, but good things.

Main customer human comes out and introduces himself since we haven’t officially met yet. I’m trying to be cool, but still raging internally.

He goes, “You know, I hate getting picked to take minutes or notes, but I can’t imagine what that feels like when you’re the only woman in the room.”

Reader, I could have hugged him/cried.

That was HUGE because I had just spent 3.5 hours gaslighting myself into thinking I was being stupid and mad and that my feelings weren’t valid, and here was this random human telling me it was bullshit and he was sorry.

I told him it wasn’t the first time, and he said he was very sorry to hear that.
(It has happened at every place I worked, not just here)

But I told him that meant a lot to have him say that and we first-bumped, and he went back in to tie up loose meeting ends.

Next, my coworker comes out. He comes up and goes “I am so sorry. I just...I can’t believe that happened. I didn’t know what to do. I’m so sorry.”

This was also appreciated, but this is where the lesson comes in to all my male readers on this thread.

I PROMISE you most if not all of the women you work with in STEM fields have experienced this. If you are in the room when it happens, SPEAK UP.

This goes for all things like this. I know it sounds stupid, but men that perpetuate stereotypes like this are FAR more likely to listen to you than a woman going “hey, that’s sexist.” We’re just some screeching feminist to them.

Volunteer to take the notes/minutes. Say we’ll all take them together. You don’t have to throw down/bro down right there, but solidarity is much more powerful in the moment than after the fact.

And I’m not saying I didn’t appreciate those two coming up to me after the meeting. I did SO MUCH, but that should be where the conversation and learning begins, not where we go “good enough” and wait for it to happen again, which it will.

I guess the TL:DR; here is, if you’re someone in a privileged state, and you see someone getting stepped on, SPEAK UP. At a minimum, it will help the person getting stepped on not feel so alone in the moment, and maybe make the perpetrator think for at least a second.

As a woman, I constantly put my uncomfortable interactions with my male coworkers through a gauntlet to determine if something is sexist, and even then, I fear escalating stuff. When the guys stand with me, it is so very meaningful.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen next. I talked with my manager and was super hesitant to push it because it’s not the first or the last time this is gonna happen, but he had my back.

Have each other’s backs.

Sorry if this got preachy or redundant. Here’s a cat doing laundry.

OH FOR GOD’S SAKE. WOMEN IN STEM.

FIST. BUMPED. Dammit.

Also, if you’re new here, I do a #SciComm YouTube channel called @TheSTEMulus! It’s currently on hiatus because I’m working 6 days a week and planning a wedding that’s a little over a month out, but it’s got lots of cool content and should return soon!