Thread by @BenLaurie

Wife: I kinda fancy sausages
Me: The wife has spoken, we shall have sausages
Kids: We want burgers
Me: Sausages means sausages, at teatime, which is 6pm, we will have sausages
Kids: We want burgers
Me: Sausages means sausages, at teatime, which is 6pm, we will have sausages

Me: Did I mention the sausages will be meat free?
Wife: Hmm, I’m not so sure about the sausages
Me: The wife has spoken, we shall have sausages
Everyone: I think we should decide on the sausages

Wife: I said, I’m not so sur…
Me: I will decide when you’re allowed to be sure or not sure, it would undermine the very fabric of this family if we were to ever revisit a decision

Wife: It wasn’t exactly a decision
Me: Well, obviously, we should vote - I was very clear on that
Everyone: No sausages
Me: The wife has spoken, we shall have sausages
Me: Did I mention the sausages will be quite small?

Kids: We’re pretty damn sure we don’t want sausages
Me: I’m not listening, la la la la la
Me: Don’t worry, I’ve got it all in hand, we’ll have a vote
Me: God damn it, don’t you realise the future of this family is at stake? What kind of monsters are you?
Everyone: No sausages

Me: I didn’t mean it about the monsters, we’re all under a lot of strain. By the way, we’re having sausages. At 7pm, which is teatime.
Everyone: How about we tell you what we want?
Me: Not listening. La la la la la

Everyone: Do we want pizza?
Everyone: Nope
Everyone: Macaroni cheese?
Everyone: Newp
Everyone: A nice healthy salad?
Everyone: Negatory
Everyone: Should we do a survey?
Everyone: Hmmmm … perha… No.
Everyone: No supper?
Everyone: Are you out of your ever loving mind?

Me; I have a plan. The wife has spoken. Sausages. The very fabric of the family is at stake. Only _this_ time, I may or may not offer chips and mustard. Let’s vote. By the way, from now on, _if_ we have sausages, I’ll never cook again.
Everyone: No.