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#Letr2Jack – TWO CAPACITIES starts now.
1. My dear Jack, there are two capacities you must develop if you want to make a success of your relationship and indeed life. You must develop capacity for introspection and capacity for critical self analysis. The two are not the same. #Letr2Jack
2. By introspection I mean the ability to look inward, to consider your life, your direction; to see where you’re coming from, know where you are, where you want to go. #Letr2Jack
3. It’s a meditative exercise, sort of. Doesn’t mean you have to lock up yourself in a room cross legged, breathing methodically. It’s just having some quiet in your inner self, seeing things through your inner eyes. #Letr2Jack
4. It’s not meant to be a pity party either. Introspection is neutral in emotion. It’s not about feeling sorry for yourself. It’s simply looking inside. #Letr2Jack
5. Introspection allows us to see the need for a plan. It doesn’t come up with the plan but it will give you an awareness of the need for a plan. #Letr2Jack
6. Planning requires rational energy. That’s not the energy employed by introspection. It uses a different form of energy. Introspection doesn’t sweat. It has a coolant. #Letr2Jack
7. Introspection is a meditative pause in time, an inner rest from all our exertions. You’re by yourself, with yourself. That’s what introspection is. #Letr2Jack
8. Our lives tend to be one perpetual motion. We’re like those “Okada” riders in Lagos, Nigeria – those motorcycle transporters. They’re an orthopaedic hospital case study. #Letr2Jack
9. They generate balance through perpetual motion. Not having learnt how to ride motorcycle properly they can’t handle slowing down. The bike becomes imbalanced and they lose control. #Letr2Jack
10. Like those Okada riders we seek to maintain balance in our lives through perpetual motion. There’s always one activity or the other - one party to go to, one event to attend. #Letr2Jack
11. We pack our weekends chock full, shuffling from one activity to another. We hardly rest. Yet our souls need restoration from exertions of the week. #Letr2Jack
12. We constantly put our soul under pressure, even when we drive. We’re always speeding up, greedily gobbling up the road like we’re famished, like there’s a prize at the end for fast consumption. #Letr2Jack
13. In so speeding we reduce our margin of safety to split seconds. That in itself is pressure, enormous pressure. Observe these things when next you drive. You’ll see you never go at even pace. And you’re under pressure from behind. #Letr2Jack
14. Those cars behind us are more or less telling us to hurry up or get off the road. We hardly enjoy driving, not even on weekend. #Letr2Jack
15. These scenarios mirror our lives. We put our selves under constant pressure and we allow society put us under relentless pressure. We’re accidents waiting to happen. #Letr2Jack
16. Because our soul is under so much pressure our mental stability suffers. We don’t take good decisions. Some people are at breaking point. #Letr2Jack
17. Sometimes the pressure comes from work. There’s always a deadline. And after the deadline comes another deadline, and another deadline... Truth is, there are no dead lines. Lines never die. #Letr2Jack
18. Some carry the work pressure home. They don’t drop it in the office. They enter the house with a morose visage, start taking things out on the innocents - the spouse and the children. #Letr2Jack
19. Sometimes both spouses bring pressure home and begin to take it out on one another. There’s so much tension the unhappiness is so thick one could cut it with a knife. #Letr2Jack
20. And so there’s no happiness at work and no happiness at home. The only means of escape is a third platform, which can range from a bottle, to another shoulder, to another bosom. #Letr2Jack
21. Even when we go to movies we don’t allow the credits to roll. We just jump up and begin to rush for the exit. Where are we rushing to? The bathroom? The car? Back on the street? #Letr2Jack
22. In less than a minute we destroy the rest provided by the escape created by the movie. We re-pile the pressure. Our pressures are mostly self-generated. #Letr2Jack
23. What introspection does is take us to a quiet place, inside us, to a place where we can see the unseen, feel the unfelt. #Letr2Jack
24. Without introspection we’ll never know the enormity of the grace upon our lives. Which then makes us unappreciative of what we have - the benevolence in our lives. #Letr2Jack
25. Without introspection we’ll never see what we have, only what the other person has. That builds negative emotions. It’s the beginning of envy. Envy is murderous. #Letr2Jack
26. Note that envy can be patient. It can just keep brooding, drawing on negative energy, looking for an opportunity to visit injury on the marked. Many times it’s verbal injury. Words can destroy. Words do destroy. #Letr2Jack
27. The envious cannot focus on his game. He focuses on the game of others. He can’t see what he has. All he sees is what the other person has. #Letr2Jack
28. And so when I ask you to spend time on introspection I’m talking about your emotional and relational health. #Letr2Jack
29. Spend time once a week by yourself with yourself. See where you are, how well you’re doing... Introspection is you communing with yourself. #Letr2Jack
30. Developing critical capacity is different however. It’s different from introspection. #Letr2Jack
31. One of the things you’ll notice in life is man’s unwillingness to take responsibility. He doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions and inactions. And he won’t take responsibility for decisions. He’ll rather blame someone else. #Letr2Jack
32. Given the option between blaming the successful and improving his lot in life the average man will rather blame the successful, wish them evil but how does that help him? #Letr2Jack
33. Critical self analysis demands we examine our role in the outcome of our life, accept our mistakes, hold ourselves accountable. #Letr2Jack
34. If you won’t do that you’ll always hold somebody else responsible for the outcome of your life. You can’t take responsibility. #Letr2Jack
35. Let me illustrate with relationship. If a relationship between a boy and a girl doesn’t end up in marriage critical self analysis demands we examine our role in the disappointment. #Letr2Jack
36. I have seen people do everything to destroy a relationship and then turn around to blame the other party when the relationship fractures. #Letr2Jack
37. They’ll even accuse the other party of using them. They choose to ignore the facts that led to the exasperation and eventual breakup. There’s selective memory, one that refuses to accept responsibility. #Letr2Jack
38. Years after they’re still blaming the other party. Now it’s about emotions rather than facts, and you can’t argue with emotions. #Letr2Jack
39. Take responsibility. Put the blame squarely where it belongs. Then you know what not to do in your next relationship. #Letr2Jack
40. There’s a Jil I know who won’t take responsibility for the outcome of her relationship. The truth is, she over-negotiates affection. Doesn’t know when to stop. And so her relationships feel like one long bargaining process and that’s exasperating. #Letr2Jack
41. Because she wants to be wanted so much she aims to make the relationship imbalanced. She wants to be wanted more. And it’s unnecessary. She refuses to volunteer basic loving sentiments, manipulates affection. #Letr2Jack
42. That makes her make premature situational demands for high level commitment. And she’s not willing to give what she demands. #Letr2Jack
43. Unfortunately men don’t have the capacity for drawn out negotiation of affection, especially after the relationship has begun. It’s exasperating. #Letr2Jack
44. We must be willing to give what we want in a relationship. And we have to give what we want first. Relationship is the perfect laboratory for the law of sowing and reaping. #Letr2Jack
45. We must avoid pride in a relationship. Pride prevents us from admitting emotional needs. Pride makes us pretend we don’t need what our partner has to offer. #Letr2Jack
46. We must also avoid selfishness. Selfishness blinds us to what we’re doing to our partner in a relationship. That a partner soaks up our selfish deeds doesn’t make selfishness okay. Selfishness makes us lose sensitivity. #Letr2Jack
47. Relationship also demands vulnerability. We must be willing to ask for love and affection, not pretend it’s nothing. #Letr2Jack
48. Beyond a certain point manipulation gets tiring and the other party withdraws, sometimes silently, many times loudly. Only the issue will lack definition. #Letr2Jack
49. Relationship is give and take. You must give emotionally, you must give materially. #Letr2Jack
50. Sometimes one party in a relationship edits the terms of the relationship without consulting the other party. There are people like that. And when the other party reacts they feel hurt, like they’re the victim! #Letr2Jack
51. They never bargained the other party will react to all that editorial work, which is quite natural. When you change the terms of a relationship you’re editing the relationship. #Letr2Jack
52. When you begin to withhold affection or expression of emotion in a relationship you’re editing the relationship. Expect the other party to react. #Letr2Jack
53. I’ve said a lot for you to consider, given you so many things to think about. I’ve deliberately refused to hit the nail on the head. Reflection will help you see the answer to your debacle. #Letr2Jack
54. Your mentor, LA #Letr2Jack
56. For related letters, search for POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE ENERGY, POSSIBILITY THINKING and KNOWLEDGE THAT PASSES UNDERSTANDING at jacknjillive.com.
57. #Illuminare – THEOLOGICAL ABSURDITIES is tomorrow Sunday at 9.00am WAT
58. © Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com.
