Thread by @seananmcguire

Part of why I try to be very open and up-front about my neuroatypicality is because I can't actually hide it in person. I regularly get overwhelmed at conventions and the like. You don't meet ME, you meet Stage Seanan, if you get there early enough.

Stage Seanan is the version of me who used to do improv and stand-up comedy. She's a careful construct, a cicada shell I can wrap myself in when I need to play the overcaffeinated kelpie nightmare woman in public.

Stage Seanan cracks, when the overwhelmed gets severe enough, and you hit Feral Seanan. Feral Seanan is a rescued coyote intentionally socialized not to trust humans, and she's terrified of you. She no longer necessarily processes language, and is probably thinking...

...of chewing her own leg off. If I meet you when I've already hit the third stage of my social anxiety, I'm unlikely to remember you later. I'm also unlikely to come off as very friendly. This is because I can't remember any words, just the lyrics to "Dead Girl Walking."

Feral Seanan just needs to be put into a field where she can run in circles and eventually fall asleep in the clover. I usually get back to stage one after a nap or a walk or a trip to the Taco Bell Cantina.

I can sometimes control which stage I'm in by going "okay, I need Stage Seanan from noon until three, so I'll spend the morning feral to conserve my cope." But I can't run out of cope and just decide to NOT be feral. My brain refuses that commandment.

And "Have you just tried NOT being feral?" isn't something that works for me. Like, at all. I have social anxiety, OCD, and very non-standard social mapping. I do my best not to be cruel or mean in public, and I don't always succeed, because I forget how to human.