Thread by @marcusolang

Wah. House hunting in Nairobi is an extreme sport. The number of fake property advertisements out here... If you're not keen, it's very easy to be scammed.

I've seen pictures of the exact same house, but billed as three different locations: Garden Estate, Lavington and Lower Kabete.

So here's a thing that actually happened.

I'm scrolling through Property 24 KE website. Looking through, shortlisting what catches my eye.

I spot this wonderful place, billed to be in Spring Valley. Great looking, even better pricing.

I take down the number.

I call. An elderly-sounding gentleman picks up.

"Hello Bw. Jonathan (name changed). I'm calling about your property in Spring Valley..."

"Yes, yes; it's still available, let me give you another number, the manager, you can contact her for viewing. Mmmm."

And the terms?

"One month deposit, and Internet is inclusive, but water and electricity is on my side. Mmmm."

At this point, it all seems on the level.

So I call this manager.

"Hello, am I speaking with Ms. Catherine**?"

"Yes?"

"I've been given your number by Bw. Jonathan. I'm calling to check whether there's a possibility to view the house?"

She responds: "Yes there is, but I just left the house about 30 minutes ago."

Any chance for me to view soon?

Her exact words, burned in my brain: "Not unless now in the evening kama haitakuwa imelipiwa, because there are people who have viewed, hata nimeshindwa nipee nani."

At this point, the little voice in my head is becoming louder and more keen. Something is not linking up here. So I seek to keep Ms. 'Catherine' on the phone a little longer to allow my logical process to catch up with my gut feeling.

She continues with the pitch. All the right things: Own compound, own gate, water sorted, Internet inclusive... It sounds absolutely amazing.

But that's not what my gut had clued me in on.

We keep talking.

"Hata wenye wameona, nimemwambia I'm working on a first-come first-serve basis. Even if it's the deposit to book for it, I'll not discriminate. Mmmm."

My gut feeling, my little voice, is even louder; my logical process working furiously to figure it out.

So what time will I be able to view?

"Maybe after 5pm, depending on whether it will still be available. Mmmm."

At that moment, it hits me like a loaded Tata lorry moving down Mbagathi Way at full speed.

I keep her on the line to confirm my suspicion.

So can I call you at 5 to confirm?

"No problem, my dear... Yes... Mmmm."

Friends, it was the same human, now speaking through a voice modulation app!! Same human!! Cadence, shifting accent... But what my little voice had picked up on was the fact that "Ms. Catherine's" voice sounded unnatural!

Then the fact that each one of us has a signature way in which we subconsciously fill our pauses - that "Mmmm" filler was the second thing that was bugging me!

Voice modulation, my friends!! The game has evolved - it no longer needs a couple to run the scam when the couple can be one human!!

Nairobi! Nairobiiii!

The house hunting continues!