Thread by @HNIJohnMiller

1) And here I am about to begin part 2.

So far, I've covered what an individual hoplite was at face value; a bronze covered god that facerolled barbarians.

Goddamn terrifying to behold.

Now, I'm going to cover the phalanx.

https://twitter.com/shawnaleahshine/status/1194657565449183233

2) Ranks upon ranks of men, turned so their side faces the enemy. Why turned to the side? Because, it was a more stable footing; it was harder to be pushed back by an enemy. Why was this important?

3) Because your shield protected two bodies. First, it protected your body, from your knees (below was covered by bronze greaves) up to your shoulders (where shoulder plates and helmets, also bronze, covered the rest).

Then your shield protected the ass of your buddy next to you

4) This was key. If you were pushed back by the enemy, they were able to stab at your buddy's back.

'But Fudge, what about the guys on the far left of the phalanx?'

You're right. Their backs were exposed in a phalanx formation. That's why the oldest, most experienced were there

5) That's right, see, it was standard for the less experienced hoplites to occupy the center of the formation where they were protected while those on the flanks with their asses or dicks left hanging in the wind were the veterans who wouldn't sweat it.

6) See, if the dudes at the front on the flanks turned to protect themselves, that would leave their comrades next to them exposed to get stabbed in the back.

And that right there was the key power behind the phalanx.

These guys would all trust each other to not break formation

7) Now, I need to cover something veerrrrryyyyy important here, and this is going to be a bit of an iconoclast view in the face of modern history, but I have my reasons.

Here it is: I do not believe that Greek hoplites were all fucking each other.

8) Now, why is it that I believe this?

Quite simple, and its a matter of paying attention to WHEN people were recording things.

9) I draw much of my information from Herodotos and Xenophon, who lived during/immediately after the initial Greek-Persian wars (500 bc, Herodotus) and the Peloponnesian Wars (around 400 bc, Xenophon).

10) Where modern SOCIOLOGISTS, not historians or such mind you but SOCIOLOGISTS, draw their information from is Plutarch, who lived.... Ah, yes. 50 AD.

400 TO 600 YEARS AFTER THE FUCKING FACT. FFS.

11) So, fun fact. Roman aristocracy definitely indulged far more in homosexuality. No question or doubt about that. Won't debate that fact.

Plutarch was a Greek 'historian' who wrote for Roman audiences, specifically NOBLE Roman audiences, to gain their favor.

12) Now, put your thinking caps on, would someone who lived 500-odd years AFTER the events in question be willing to alter his own country's history in order to make it seem more like his new adopted nation?

Yes.

Yes he would.

13) I'm not dragging this dude, but this is why I'm bringing up the topic, because its going to lead into some other stuff.

Long and short of it, Greek history has been mutated and morphed so that we modern people do not draw inspiration from it.

https://twitter.com/PlainTailor/status/1194619457504710658

14) When we draw even a MODICUM of inspiration from it... amazing things happen.

Amazing things that, if applied to a wider scale, could topple society as it exists. Something sociologists and their leftist masters do not want to happen. So they shove Plutarch down our throats.

15) Nowhere is this split between contemporary, ie WAS ACTUALLY THERE, and 500 years after the fact fucking writers more clear in the scope of 'writing to their audiences', ie to other Greeks or to Romans, than the topic of the Theban Sacred Band.

16) The Theban Sacred Band was an elite phalanx unit consisting of 300 men, split into 150 gay couples. This unit was so elite, and so effective, it upended Spartan superiority on the battlefield in the period after the Peloponesian war (in which Sparta conquered all of Greece).

17) Plutarch exists as the most complete historical records of the Sacred Band, though again, he lived about 400 years after the fact.

The Sacred Band isn't referred to by name by Xenophon and such who was alive then, but he does reference them. And this is where it gets curious

18) Plutarch is generally rather effusive with his praise of the Sacred Band, as is to be expected given who his audience was (Romans).

However, and here is where it gets interesting: Xenophon acknowledged their existence, but was far less giving of praise.

19) From Xenophon's Symposium: "But Pausanias, the lover of Agathon the poet, defended those who wallow together in licentiousness and said that an army composed of lovers and beloveds would be strongest. For he said that they would be ashamed to abandon each other in battle. ...

20) "...But it would be quite extraordinary if those who are used to paying no attention to censure and to having no sense of shame before each other should nevertheless be ashamed to perform a shameful action. ..."

21) "... As proof he brought the example of the Thebans and the Eleans who are experienced with such things, and he claimed that even though they sleep with their beloveds, they still set them together in their ranks for battle. ..."

22) " But there is no proof from this, for the situation is not similar: for them this practice is acceptable, but for us it is exceedingly shameful."

Wait WUT?

Xenophon was an Athenian. Yet here he is, saying that Athenians considered homosexuality shameful.

See what I mean?

23) Now, I want it to be known, I don't give two flying fucks about homosexuality. I really don't. I laughed when the SCOTUS allowed gay marriage, and it was one of Kennedy's best moves ever, it took it as a wedge issue and forced the left into this insane trans bathroom nonsense

24) HOWEVER, I want to point out that modern teachings about Greece emphasize a widespread homosexuality that, at least per contemporary Athenian sources... did not actually exist.

There's not even historical evidence that Alexander the Great was actually gay. There really isn't

25) And that brings me back to the Hoplite Phalanx (you better still be pronouncing it Hop-Lee-Tay in your head when you read this like all the cool kids).

The Phalanx, as I said, relied on discipline, it relied on being able to trust everyone around you in the phalanx.

26) And so, they would be training almost daily in gymnasiums together. Constantly. They'd workout, wrestle, race, all completely naked; they didn't exactly have basketball shorts and underarmor back then. They were the world's first Gym Bros.

27) Again, I want to apologize for spending so much time on whether ancient Greeks were actually gay, but I covered it because THAT is how modern academia wants to distract you from WHY the Greek Phalanx was so goddamn effective.

See, each and every hoplite was a citizen soldier

28) Greece, before the age of the hoplites, was ruled by a horse-riding aristocracy, you see. Greece is not a great land for raising horses, and cavalry was king on the battlefield, so anyone with enough land and money to raise horses was effectively a king.

29) The Hoplite Phalanx, in turn, was developed as the most effective method of fighting in the rugged Greek terrain where mountains and valleys and rivers protected the flanks of the Phalanx easily. A sheer rock wall will never stab you in the back after all.

30) So, the Greeks in each of these city-states, Athens, Sparta, etc, all said, "Hey, wait a fucking tick here. Why are we listening to some king on a horse? Fuck that dude."

And so the Greeks kicked out their horse-riding nobility.

31) Each Hoplite would pay for his own weapons and armor, and so they were most often landowners themselves. These landowners, who would be expected to fight in the phalanx, became the citizen class, each with a say in the city government.

32) They would wake up. They'd go debate, and they became GOOD at debating. They'd vote on matters of governance. They would work out and maintain their ripped physiques.

Then, some motherfucker off in some other city state would act a fool, and pick a fight.

33) Your average Greek Hoplite would have a network of, like, 50 to 100 guys he'd go to the same gymnasium and work out with, and these guys would all have their weapons and armor they'd all bought. Someone would come around and say, "Archimemnos just had his daughter stolen!"

34) "Who the fuck did that?"

"Some asshole from Corinth! We're going to war!"

So, they'd go home, fetch their spears and shields and armor, and they'd form up into companies. See, these Phalanx companies would be guys that all worked out together. Entire units of gym bros.

35) Its like getting all your buddies at the YMCA you work out with and forming a gang to go beat the shit out of people when someone disrespected one of them.

THAT was the secret of the Greek Phalanx.

36) Your entire local gym would get together, get into formation, and they trusted each other IMPLICITLY to have each others backs because if anyone gave way, if anyone broke and ran, if anyone stepped out of line, it was a mark of SHAME.

37) You're fighting not with a bunch of farmers from the same region as you that were just as shit at dodging the drafting squads from the local king. You're fighting for your vote in government, and you're fighting alongside your buddies from the gym you work out with every day.

38) Taking another break now. When I get back, I'm going to cover the Battle of Marathon.

/end