Thread by @HNIJohnMiller

1) Alright. Alright, alright alright.

Its time.

Bottle 2.

Bourbon story time.

The Miracle at Marathon.

Sorry, the REAL Miracle at Marathon.

IE, FORGET ALL THAT SHIT I JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT FUCKING HOPLITES AND LETS GOOOOOOOOO!

https://twitter.com/HNIJohnMiller/status/1195017732972044289

2) So, the Greek-Persian Wars, as recorded by Herodotus, who was actually alive during that time. Basically, Persia, which encompassed virtually the entire Middle East as we know it today, all the way up through Turkey, started putting pressure on the Greek city-states.

3) Now, the local Greek gym bros and homeowners associations, otherwise known as the Greek Hoplites which fucking ran shit in Greece, decided this wasn't really something they were gonna abide by.

So when the Persians came, it was go time.

4) Now, long story short, there were a few punitive expeditions back and forth, some temples got burnt, some butts got hurt. The Athenians, having the strongest and most active navy, had drawn most of Persia's ire. So, the Persians landed at Marathon, north of Athens.

5) "SQUATACLES!" The Athenian hoplite Deadlifticus shouted to another from his front porch. "The Persians finally got their scrawny barbarian asses over here with some shit-farming peasants! Call up the gymnasiums and get everyone armored up! We have Persian couches to fuck!"

6) A runner got sent out to the Spartans that the Persians had finally gotten their lazy asses across the Mediterranean. The response came back in the form of a shout. "TONIGHT! WE DINE! IN ATHENS!" So the Athenians knew they had reinforcements coming.

7) So, 10,000 Hoplites (hop-lee-tays) got formed up outside of Athens, and they realized... well shit, the peasants and slaves that would form the skirmishing peltast corps weren't going to be ready in time.

"Fuck it!" Yelled Squatacles. "We're doing it live! Let's move out!"

8) So they marched the 20-odd miles up to Marathon from Athens, where the persians landed... *checks notes*... 25,000 soldiers, including archers and cavalry.

Both sides camped out for the night, because it was late and ain't nobody got time for any night fighting. Fuck. That.

9) From there, one of three things happen, depending on who you ask.

Yes, there are literally three stories all telling about the same fucking battle.

Really.

However, I don't give a fuck about the other two that wrote their versions 100's of years after the fact.

10) The version I'm going with is Herodotus, as he was alive during the Greco-Persian wars. Is it possible there is some 'victory is written by the winners' shenanigans going on? Maybe. But sometimes, the winners EARN the right to write history. This is one of those times.

11) First, here's modern Marathon. You're looking at basically all farmlands. The distance marked with the yellow line is right at about a mile.

This distance will become very important.

12) Here's how marathon looked in very vague details back at the time of the battle.

Notice, you got marshland to the south, and a river to the north, flowing down from off the mountains.

This is also very important. You can even see the mountains still from the modern picture

13) So there you are, at Marathon, with your gym bros and homeowners association. You all have your bronze armor on, you got your nips all oiled up to prevent chafing, you got a heavy ass shield and spear.

But you have no peltast skirmishers. Fucking lazy peasants.

14) Facing down you and your 10,000 gym bros are 25000 persian infantry, archers, and cavalry.

This is GREAT land for the horses to run around on. You know, except the marshes and the rivers, those might give the horses some trouble.

15) ON TOP of that, the Persians are launching a 2 pronged attack. They landed at Marathon, and the Athenian Navy is holding off a second landing at Athens itself, though its only a matter of time until the Persians break through. You gotta beat the Persians here, then get home.

16) The General for the Athenians is this BAMF named Militiades. Dude's such a fucking GOAT, the other three generals present all cede command to him. He's got 10,000 hoplites and nothing else.

The question every fucking historian asks is, what happened to the Persian cavalry?

17) Now, depending on who you ask, some say the Greek's bottled themselves up in the mountain passes and just denied the Persians an exit from the coastal plains.

Some say the Persian cavalry was off doing some other shit that day, so the Greeks didn't have to care.

Fuck that.

18) See, Herodotus doesn't even MENTION the cavalry in his account.

Militiades, everyone starts coming to him, asking him what to do with ten thousand hoplites in these open plains when there's cavalry and archers, and the enemy's a mile away.

You know what he says?

19) "WE GUNNA CHARGE."

20) Hoplites have 100 pounds of gear. 60 pounds of bronze armor, 30 pound shields, and 20 pound spears.

Hoplites have their most veteran soldiers on the flanks.

The Greeks had marshes on their right flank and a river on their left.

Historians ask wtf happened in disbelief.

21) I ask, "WTF do you mean wtf happened? Isn't it obvious?"

22) The current record for the US army 12 mile ruck sack march was set by a chaplain. This is a march keep in mind, with around 60 lbs of gear. He clocked in 8.5 minutes a mile.

The Greeks are in a dead sprint. They work out fucking constantly. Conservative estimate? 6 minutes.

23) "But what about the Persian archers?"

The average lethal range of a Persian bow was around 200 yards. They'd unleash hails of bow fire to blot out the sun; that's not 300 bullshit, that's actually what they were known for.

The Greeks were only in danger the last 1/8th mile.

24) You know what I fucking think happened?

The Greeks did an early morning, balls to the wall bumrush. They fucking zerg rushed the Persians who were still getting battle lines ready.

25) You got Squatacles and Deadlifticus sprinting full tilt side by side in full fucking battle uniform, each claiming that the last one to the Persian lines has to be towel bitch at the gymnasium for a fucking week. They're the vets, so they got the river at their flank.

26) The Persians, meanwhile, peer at the Greeks a mile away. The light's glinting off their bronze armor as its fucking dawn and the sun is rising over the plains to the east.

27) The Persians spend about 1 minute going, 'WTF are they doing?'

They spend another minute going, 'Wait, are they fucking CHARGING?'

They spend the rest of the time screaming, 'GET YOUR FUCKING BOWS STRUNG AND GET THE CAVALRY ON THEIR HOR-'

28) The Greeks, bereft of skirmishers to cover their flanks, did a fucking balls to the wall banzai charge, smashes the Persian lines, and then got into phalanx formation. Their veterans on the flank moved faster, so they were able to get a solid front of a phalanx in a huge arc.

29) Historians then shout, 'But the battle lasted like, 2 hours!'

Yeah.

Because that's what a hoplite phalanx does, numbnuts.

They get toe to toe with the enemy, wall up, and then slowly advance and grind them down, shoving the Persians right into the sea and onto their boats.

30) See, nowadays, the same people feeding you lines of straight bullshit about Greek society, making you think it was all cosmopolitan and shit, at the same time, they want to tell you that a mile charge in 100 pounds of gear is impossible.

31) That humans just aren't capable of it, that you should pay attention to the myth with zero factual evidence about some runner sent 24-odd miles who died after saying the Athenians won at marathon. Ignoring, of course, the runner to Sparta that crossed 150 miles in 2 days

32) They also want you to ignore that the Athenian hoplites, after doing a mile-long charge that drove the Persians into the sea, then did a force march immediately after that to make it back to Athens in time to repel the Persian landing THERE.

33) Tell me, did anyone EVER tell you that Socrates was a fucking WAR HERO?

No?

Didn't think so. I'll talk about that later.

/end