For two days I did nothing. No electronics, no music. I stayed in bed treating my anxiety as an illness. Then a day with a few hours of non vocal music. Now a couple days with a bit of Fallen order testing how to do what I enjoy again in a healthy way.
Here's what I figured out.
Here's what I figured out.
1. I'm 100% convinced the noise and anxiety I've spent my adult life fighting and medicating is a result of social media & info binge addiction
2. Filling every moment with distractions leaves no time to process thoughts & feelings. For me this began presenting as mental illness.
2. Filling every moment with distractions leaves no time to process thoughts & feelings. For me this began presenting as mental illness.
3. The first couple of days felt like withdrawal. I don't know that I've ever seen the other side of that need.
4. Everything about the way we live is meant to keep us in that state of forward motion, anxiety, and need.
5. When you slow down you realize you don't need anything.
4. Everything about the way we live is meant to keep us in that state of forward motion, anxiety, and need.
5. When you slow down you realize you don't need anything.
6. After two days I found myself not worried about the things I have to do to be who I want to be, and I began to look forward to them.
7. I can't remember a time I've felt more quiet. Listening for answers has resolved more questions than trying to force them to existence.
7. I can't remember a time I've felt more quiet. Listening for answers has resolved more questions than trying to force them to existence.
8. I'm letting go of preserving my channel on Twitch. I'm going to do whatever I'm called to do. People will like it or they won't but I won't question my path if what I'm doing fulfills me.
9. I'm no longer going to do things that are mindlessly distracting. Purpose, or nothing.
9. I'm no longer going to do things that are mindlessly distracting. Purpose, or nothing.
10. Returning to Twitch will make it very difficult to preserve the peace I've found. It's the height of noise. But I'm looking forward to practicing balance and learning how to make what I do matter to me and to others, as more than just another distraction from people's lives.
I'm different now. My needs are different, my priorities are different, what I'm willing to engage with is different. But I'm happy. I can breath easy. I can sleep well. Uncertainty doesn't scare me.
A lot can happen in a few days if you're there to witness every moment.
🖖
A lot can happen in a few days if you're there to witness every moment.
🖖
My main takeaway is this: I've spent years running away from my thoughts and trying to bury myself. It's easier to be distracted than to face silence. All those years of anxiety was my body trying to tell me to slow down and listen, like a second person trapped who can't scream.
