Thread by @chimarokay

So one time I had to do this HIV test. It had been 3 years since my last test so I was scared af but this woman was determined to see the result before any bedroom business was conducted.

Fear catch me 😂

Thread....

8am the next day which was a monday, I was awoken to breakfast and Becca's mischievous smile. Before the pleasantries, I flashed back to how she denied us our first ever sex. I was at the promised land but denied unjustly. I could still feel the blue balls..

As I played with breakfast, she asked me to hurry up and shower as she had already made an appointment with a Doctor. An appointment already?? Bruuuuh 😨. I was actually going to do a HIV test? What if the result was positive?...

... I started remembering all the questionable people that I had slept with in the past 5 years. What of the time I separated a fight between my friends and their blood dropped on my skin? Or when my barber cut me?....

.. My thoughts were a mess in the shower. I was staring at my penis; holding a conversation with it. Like bruuh, you good? Everything ok in there? I had 21 questions. I could have walked out of all this but I had mad respect for this woman...

....On my way out of the shower, she said an uber was waiting outside. Haba why is she rushing me like this? Can't this woman see that I'm stressed? 😥 She was even laughing at me. What sort of sadist behaviour is this one nau? 😥....

....Ok so finally we got into the uber and got moving. The serene atmosphere in the ride was further fueling my fears; Becca started mimicking my ear-eating antics from last night and laughing....

..into my eardrums while at it... but I wasn't having it. I kept seeing lots of positive symbols on road signs. Stupid billboards on the road talmbout 'be positive'. Ah ah today of all days that I want to do test? Who planned me? 😦 Like that one wasn't enough, I spotted....

....this market woman wearing Red Cross polo. Aaaaaah wait o; is that not Iya Tobi, the meat seller that normally ties wrapper with gele?? Why is she wearing a red cross polo today? 🙆

Is it my test result they are advertising laidis? Any need to still go for this thing? 😭

....We got to the hospital and on coming down from the ride, my face was met by scorching rays of the sun.

"This sun go kee person" I exclaimed while waiting for Becca to pay the uber driver....

"Brother Chima, the sun won't kill you, don't be negative" I heard from behind.

Ehn? Who said that? I turned around and it was Brother Emma from Ushering Department. Why would he say that? Why does this man not want me to be negative? 😡...

Which kind bad belle be this? Waka! 🖐 It's you that won't be negative, not me. If not that this guy sent me money the week before I for fight am nau. Imagine the hate speech.

Anyways, we walked into the hospital and straight to the counter. The nurse at...

...the reception was backing us for some reason and when she eventually turned around, she hurt my feelings. She was smiling too much? Ah ah Nurse, spoil face small nau. Who sent this one to be spreading too much positive vibes. U dey mad?....

...I couldn't handle all that positivity from her so I let Becca do the talking while I went to sit. I was in dire need of negative vibes but the universe was against me.

Minutes later, we were ushered into the Doctor's office where I and Becca ran tests before..

...heading back to the waiting room.

Longest minutes of my life 😥

I pulled out my phone to check twitter but the first tweet I saw on my TL was Monday motivation tweet from one of your fave influencers -talmbout "be consistent at what you do and be posit...." I blocked him

...sharp sharp and logged out. I didn't have time for any thoughtless displays of insensitivity.

What a day I was having. Couldn't close my eyes without seeing plus signs & crucifixes. Ffs I just want to be negative. Which kyn wahala be this? 😔

...Becca noticed I was restless and placed my worried head on her breast. Oh God. Only known this woman for 10 working days and she already knows how to calm my nerves? Older women are the best, fam....

....I silently prayed the results don't come out positive so I can be consistently penising this woman with all the negative energy in my veins. She worth am, bruuh 😥....

30 minutes later, we were ushered back into the doctor's office and on getting there, I skipped all forms of pleasantries and asked for the test results. Just as Doc was about responding, his phone rang

'Oti gba penalty lo throw in' 🎶

Oti gba what????...

Which qualified Medical Doctor uses Small Doctor's Penalty as ringtone while on duty? 😭 Didn't they advice you against such ringtones in Medical school? Shey if I drag this man and have his license revoked, twitter people will say I'm wicked. You people should come and see o 😥

Hmmmm... He sha put down his phone las las and handed the results to Jane as I was still behaving like a lirru beech. She took a look at the results and looked at me like she had just seen a ghost. Aah!! There and then I knew my own af finish....

.. I started cursing whoever gave me this virus. Their transformer will blow. The person's MacBook charger will spoil. Rat will chop the person's certificate....

..... I was already writing my will in my head when Becca hugged me and told me I am negative. Me negative?? You mean my penis still has market value? Mad o! 💃

I couldn't contain my emotions. It felt like happiness sandwiched by slices of konji. I wanted to tell the doctor...

..to leave his office so me and Becca can do two aside but home training intervened 💔

We left hospital and got into an uber back to her place. Can you believe I didn't see any of those positive signs and messages on the road again? Even Iya Tobi wasn't at her meat stand. Wow!

Sharply we were back at her place. From her gate I started getting rid of my clothes. Rebecca will get this vengeful penis for all the stress she put me through. Nonsense and ingredients 🙄

As soon as we got inside, I headed to her kitchen in search of an energy drink; there was none so I ate bread. Lots of bread. 💪

Removed my boxers right there in the kitchen and headed back to her room in Adamic nature....

...By the time I got there, she was already unclad and lying nonchalantly with her work ready to be eaten. Good Lord

So I joined here in bed and went straight to kissing, fondling and lowering my head to her pelvic region....

And errrrrrr..... End of thread