As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a Christmas Donkey.
To me, being a Christmas Donkey was better than being the president. It meant being a somebody in a pole full of nobodies.
At first, I felt like the luckiest burro in the world, Santa would toss me his keys and let me park his sleigh.
My parents didn't like all the time I spent at Santa's workshop, missing my manger lessons, but Santa threatened the mail carrier with the naughty list if he delivered a truancy letter to my parent's house.
I remember when I first met Jimmy Snowflake, he tipped everyone, even the bartender for keeping the nog cold.
When the penguins assembled a whole army to stop Jimmy's skimming of stockings? He made them partners!!
The donkeys tried to take a bit of everything that came and went out of the North Pole, every letter to Santa, every bit of milk and cookies...we got a piece. To us, it was better than the three wise men.
There was me, (Dominick), Jimmy, Tommy TwofrontTeeth, Anthony Icicle, Frankie Coalbone, there was Snow Black's brother Jolly Andy, and his guys Frankie the Elf, Freddy Rednose, there was Peter the Tickler, you had Jimmy Two Times because he always checked his list twice.
To us, living any other way was nutcrackers! The people who were always worried if they were on the naughty list or not, they had no guts...no bells!
Santa went in on an elf's gingerbread business, any troubles he talks to Santa. Trouble with the bells, he can go to Santa, trouble with the penguins, he can go to Santa. Now the guy's got to come up with Santa's cookies every week.
Business is bad? Ho ho, pay me! Oh you had a fire? Ho ho, pay me! Gingerbread got hit by milk? Ho ho, pay me!
When all the gumdrops have dried up, and you can't borrow one more candy cane, what do you do...you light a match.
One winter, we knocked over a shipment of letters without using a weapon, and we did the right thing, we gave Santa his tribute.
Years later, after an argument at a bar, Tommy got out of control and frosted a guy. For most of the guys, frosting was the way everyone stayed in line, you got out of line, you got frosted. But we had a real problem with this one.
If you wanted to frost someone you had to have a good reason, then you had to have milk and cookies with the head of the families and it had to be ok'd. If you didn't, you were the ones getting frosted.
We go to the south pole, Jimmy and me, to do a number on Santa's naughty list. Some little snowman named Frosty. Turns out his sister is a secretary for the FBII (Frosted Bureau of Investigations and Icicles) and she gives everyone up. Jimmy, me even he brother Frosty!
It took the jury six hours to bring us in naughty. The judge gave us 10 years like he was giving away candy. He also gave away some candy, which was nice.
In the icehouse, dinner was the big thing. We'd do one course of figgy pudding and one cooked goose. Santa would do the prep work, he was doing a stretch for coal pollution, he had this wonderful system for doing the pudding, he used a razor to get the figs nice and thin.
We had to cook the goose on pans, it used to stink up the joint worse than Scrooge's pants meeting his first ghost, but Billy cooked up a great goose.
People think the ice house is all people locked up with rows and rows of people on ice, but it's not like that for Donkeys. It wasn't that bad, except I missed Jimmy, who was doing his time in the enchanted forest.
When I got out, Santa warned me to stay off the gum drops and to watch out for Tommy who was being a little wild.
It took me two weeks to finally unload the gumdrops I got from Bethlehem. I had Candy cut them, and even with how much she ate, it was still a very good business.
It was perfect. As long as the gumdrops kept rolling from Bethlehem, I knew Santa would never find out. After a few weeks it got to be so big, I needed some help so I got Jimmy and Tommy Twofrontteeth to come in with me.
We got some info about a shipment of letters so Jimmy put together a crew for what would turn out to be the biggest heist in North Pole history. Tommy Coalbone would grab the outside workers, Johnny Roastbeast had to keep them tied up, even Stockings Edwards got in on it.
I had everyone working for me, even Raggedy Annie was bringing in gumdrops...
That letter heist should have been our ultimate score, 6 million letters, enough for every donkey in the organization to retire.
Stocking Edwards was supposed to ditch the sled the night of the heist, but he had too much nog, went to his girlfriends and the penguins found the sled. It was only matter of time before they got to Stockings. He had to go.
Then we got the word, Tommy Twofrontteeth was going to be made and I don't mean out of chocolate, they were going to make him a Christmas Donkey!
Jimmy started cutting ties with everyone involved in the heist. He was frosting people left and right. When they found Coalbone in the snowbank it took them two days to thaw him out.
Still, I hadn't seen Jimmy so happy, as the day that Tommy Twofrontteeth was being made into a Christmas Donkey. Jimmy was so excited you'd think he was being made!
Y'know we always called each other Christmas Donkeys, like you'd say to somebody, "This is Dominick, the Christmas Donkey he's alright, he's a Christmas Donkey, a wiseman, one of us."
Being made meant no one, nut even the Nutcracker himself could mess with you. You were part of a crew. It's like a license to do any kind of coal getting business you wanted.
They frosted Tommy as revenge for that frosting some time ago...and some other things.
A few years later, I'm running some premium gumdrops in from my connect in Bethlehem. I knew I had to pick up my brother from the hospital on my way to getting some hulahoops for Jimmy. Jimmy didn't want them, saying he wanted a plane that loops the loop.
I had to take my brother on a one-horse open sleigh ride home. See I was cooking dinner that night and I needed to cook a plump Christmas goose and make figgy pudding. I knew it was my brother's favourite.
Now my plan was to start the dinner early, so Cindy Loo Who and I could unload the hulahoops that Jimmy didn't want, then get the package for Raggedy Annie to take south.
(Rolling Stones Christmas music plays)
The plan was to get home to get the gumdrops to Raggedy Annie, also I had to get to Candy's, then I had the goose cooking at home, and I had to get Annie ready for her trip!
I talk to Raggedy Annie and tell her to confirm things about her flight on an outside phone. What does she do as soon as she hangs up with me? She uses the same Fischer Price phone she uses with me. Now if anyone is listening, they know everything.
Raggedy Annie needed her lucky hat to fly. What could I do? If she insisted she needed the hat, we would go get the hat!
The nest thing I know a penguin is yelling at me to freeze. For a second I thought I was frosting, but only penguins make that much noise...
The penguins had been on to me for months. Fisher Price phone taps, surveillance, and even a partridge in a pear tree.
I went to see Santa. He gave me a small stocking. A stocking for a whole lifetime! Wasn't even big enough to be buried in.
When you're a part of a crew, a frosting doesn't come with an argument, it comes with a smile, delivered by someone who's know you you're whole life and they often come when you're at your weakest.
Jimmy met me at a gingerbread restaurant, and I had the feeling that he wanted to know if I was going to give him good tidings of comfort and joy or not.
Jimmy asked me to frost a guy named Frost...that's when I knew I would never come back from the South Pole alive...
It came down to witness protection. It was easy enough for me to disappear, all my ID was fake, my gingerbread house was in my wife's name. The only thin to prove I existed was my name on the naughty list.
I missed the life. I had drawers full of goodies and cookie jar full of cookies next to the bed. I had keys to a hideaway, I'd bet 30 grand on the reindeer over the weekend, and I'd blow the winnings in a week.
We had it all, and everyone had their hands out. And now...it's all over.
Today everything is different, there's no action, I have to wait in line to see the mall Santa like everyone else. Can't even get decent cooked goose. I ordered one and I got a chicken!! I have to live the rest of my life as an average elf on the shelf.
Happy Holidays all.
