Thread by @Kiwion

Finally watching Harry Potter

why is Hermione such a dick

who put a giant chess set there

Quidditch is brutal
why is this allowed

where are the wizard police

why would Dumbledore jebait Slytherin with the points that was really not ok

Why hasn't anyone contacted social services about the Dursleys

Dobby is disgusting please stop t

Oliver wood is a terrible captain

I want a movie on the Weasley parents

Hagrid is a liability

What's with all the threats against Potter from adults it's weird

Lockhart is fabulous and must be protected

spider chase was 10/10

Who tf did Ginny kill for the blood

Flying car best character

Did Lucius really try and murder Harry for giving Dobby a sock

its broad daylight

In a school

how unhinged is that man

Why is Hagrid allowed to teach students

student gets attacked and he leaves the rest of the class with the creature that did it

are we meant to be surprised that students die at Hogwarts

whY AREN'T THE POLICE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS

hello?

Lupin is cool tho

Quidditch is legit brutal

some kids broom is on fire and another got struck by lightning

he just fell like 200ft

lol it's k it's just a Hufflepuff

why do they allow students to compete in such dreadful conditions

wait
did Hufflepuff win the game? REALLY

hOW IS THIS SO AWKWARD OH MY GOD

omfg

the sudden realization that the family pet was actually a full grown man oh mY GOD THIS MOVIE IS A HOOT

WHAT IS HAPPENING

so is Hermione creating multiple different timelines or what

i'm very confused
creating a never ending time loop saving themselves from the future in the past

this is frustrating and confusing

am ioverthinking it
i'm not a smart woman
these are kids books

the freeze frame ending was perfect.

what a riot
i'm still convinced Hermione and Harry are stuck in a time loop but it's okay because current timeline Harry can continue his adventure

i liked that movie
what a good time

and now
The Goblet of Fire

DAVID TENNANT YESSSSSS

he's such a babe I can't

why did they hire a muggle to tend to the grounds near Hogwarts and why hasn't he contacted the police yet

I recognize those chalk cliffs anywhere

why would they host the Quidditch world cup in Seaford
It's so boring there

Krum looks about 30

Hagrid finna clap some cheeks

Oh look Hufflepuff actually have a character with speaking lines

still irrelevant house tho

Ron started swearing

Wizard terrorism is very much a thing so I never did failRP

It's all kicking off this year

Did Krum take a 14 year old out

MATE YOU'RE 30

Harry dealing with rejection is honestly the hardest thing I've had to watch so far
omfg suddenly the yule ball is a rock concert this actually hurts me

RON AND HARRY JUST LOST THEIR DATES WHAT IS THIS

They are such losers omg

The fact they put the friends and family of the tri-wizard champions in danger too is incredibly questionable

I love how unapologetically pathetic the main trio are

They're so awkward

Did Harry just stumble across another murder

HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING

So the other students got eaten by a hedge

Ok

Harry shows selflessness what a good guy look at you Harry

THAT'S NO TROPHY

oh no

That's unfortunate

Did they dump the man baby in the cauldron

ew what a disgusting fleshboy
put it away I dont want to see that

I did a little cry
That was a sad moment oh boy

oh my god sweaty david why's he so rabid I love David tennant so much

I hope we see more of him
stop the tongue thing though

It's weird
David, you made it creepy
Wait it's Barty crouch jr. Right?

Best boy

Movie done

That was a banger- favourite so far

Final take

Harry and Ron need to cut their bloody hair

Time for movie 5 I forgot what it's called
I need to start counting the corpses Harry stumbles across my goodness

What awful luck that boy has

THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

I remember
my dad bought me the book but I never read it because my brother hit me round the head with it and there was blood on the cover

this was around the time I myself lived in the cupboard under the stairs
I really wish I were making this up

Good news

Harry cut his hair

I'd love to see more muggle times with Dudley becAuse he's such a beta chad with his little chain and board shorts

THEY INTRODUCED AN ALTERNATIVE GIRL
nice
OH and her hair changes color too

I'll call her Paramore

Voldemort decked out in a suit and tie waiting for the train is such a mood

Fabulous

UMBRIDGE IS INSANE WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HECK

HOW IS THIS AN ACCEPTABLE PUNISHMENT BUT TRANSFIGURATION ISN'T

jfc this woman is mad

Umbridge the kind of woman that listens to babies crying to help her sleep

love what she did with her office tho

King Dumbledore coming in and laying down the law

MY MAN

are we forming an army ?
things are weirdly political right now can we go back to dangerous lessons and contests

Yes Hermione Voldemort is out there on some train platform looking fly as fuck ARE YOU DENSE WOMAN

Why haven't we seen a single slytherin doing something good it's like the house is set up for failure

Harry and Cho under the mistletoe

Good for Harry
DID HE JUST SAY CHO WAS CRYING DURING HER CHEEKY SNOG WITH HARRY

this movie is cursed
the poor girl is traumatized

Omfg Snape

Yo Harry your dad was a dick

this is so horrible
What happened to the whimsy and magic

THIS IS JUST PAINFUL
I want to go back

Oh we got fireworks

You know Umbridge is literally going to murder you now good job you ruined hogwarts

Did they really just let the centaurs take umbridge

WELP

Hagrids brother looks like human Shrek

Can everyone see thestrals now?

idk London is pretty at night though

good job protagonists

Harry goes to court

I was all for Bellatrix but she's coming in with the one-shot like excuse me this is Harry Potter not Game of Thrones

Everything was cool and she comes in and just hits us with the OP spells it's stupid

they're children dammit

I didn't enjoy that one as much as the others

but like
super dark, even the color palette seemed muted

y'know

Surprisingly low body count for film 5

I give it a 3 out of 6 maybe 4 because the thought of that sweet wizard battle without effects makes me laugh

I've been purchasing these movies on YouTube so I can watch them on my switch because I don't have a laptop or tv (:

Time for movie 6
Half blood prince
I'll try keep track of the body count but I cba I'll google it later ok let's go hogwarts

right so they're trying to tell me that the Slytherin boys are the bad guys but Dumbledore literally cucked Harry within the first 5 minutes of the movie

unbelievable

i had to pause the movie because i was curious what Rupert Grint was up to and it turns out he's married to the bird from Angus, Thongs and perfect snogging

good for them!

so i'm bored of this harry potter film so far and i'm 20 minutes in

So we've gone from wizard terror plots

to painfully awkward teen romances

OKAY

Chad Ron arc is ridiculous and I'm ok with it

good for Ron

Oh he got drugged

how are students able to legally produce love potions

this seems morally fucked

HOW IS THIS OK

I hope Ginny broke up with Dean before snogging Harry

aw Draco thinks he has a purpose, piss of you pompous little twat

Oh now Ron is cucking Harry

I'm waiting for Ron to hit Harry with the unbreakable vow

"please don't smash my sister, mate"

Wizards are weird

Wizard bathroom fight was legit

oh heck that was brutal

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BLOOD
HARRY WHAT THE HECK

HARRY HE'S BLEEDING OUT DO SOMETHING

or just run away

That's fine

There's a reason everyone thinks you're the killer whenever someone dies

Harry on liquid luck is like when your mate takes MDMA for the first time and decides to wander off in a nightclub to make new friends

It's like he's playing badminton with his words

what a mad lad

Harry feeding voldemort to purple gandalf is so uncomfortable

hit dumbledore with aguamenti to the chops

we dont need table manners in a creepy cavern

IT'S SO DARK I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING

turn the lights back off those fleshy boys are disgusting put it away

DRACO IS SO EDGY HE GOT A TATTOO

good for you Draco

oh no he's crying

I want to say I'm surprised by the next bit but when the book released the big spoiler was literally posted on a sign above the M25 so idk what to say

That was my least favorite

I did not enjoy that all too much
needs more wizard terrorism and less awkward teen romance

also slytherin really need a character that isn't a scumbag because it's really making that house look bad like hello

oh sorry ur destined to be a cunt

THE FINAL STRETCH

LET'S GO

DEATHLY HALLOWS
...part one

oh for fuck sake

god what a miserable start to the movie

why is Hermione doing that what purpose HELLO WHAT IS HAPPENING WHY DID SHE DO THAT SHE LEFT ALL HER BELONGINGS TOO

I'm in for a wild ride, huh

What is going on

why is everyone so scared of the dark lord they sacrificed so much to bring him back now they're all afraid like they literally did this to themselves

casual murder at a tea party isn't very polite

WAIT IS PARAMORE BANGING THE PROFESSOR WEREWOLF?!!?

So it's just insta murder plot
WHAT THE FUCK DID HEDWIG JUST

WHAT

DID THEY REALLY

OKAY THEN

THIS IS RIDICULOUS

WHY IS DOBBY BACK

what is happening

this is so confusing

why are we public enemy number one

are we just ignoring the death eaters
o so Umbridge survived the centaurs
ok
that's good to know

so why are we attacking children again

IT'S LIKE THE ONE RING ALL OVER AGAIN

BUT HARRY IS WILLING TO SHARE THE LOAD

GOOD LAD HARRY

did they just leave Ron

oh my god

this is a ruddy nightmare

who wrote this
why is this happening
gO BACK TO THE WHIMSY
THE MAGIC

MY HEART CAN'T TAKE HOW AWKWARD THIS IS

if Harry tries it on with Hermione i'm gonna cry

wait
wait
WAIT
NO
NONONO

oh thank god

we're okay
she walked off

this is fine

Harry gets cucked again

YEAH TOSS A BRICK AT THE MAGICAL PYTHON

GO HARRY GO

oh Hermione got it nvm
you tried Harry
i appreciate the realistic approach to dealing with danger

bash it's fucking head in and hope for the best

if Harry falls in a frozen lake i'm gonna be pissed off because he'll catch a cold

oh no he's just going to jump in there

ever since that liquid luck bender he's off his rocker

hitting on your best mates gf
throwing yourself at pythons
now he tossed himself in a frozen pond

WHY ARE THEY NAKED

that animated sequence was neat

i mean it's pretty jarring and out of place

but it was neat

oh it's really dark
and they read this to wizard children

well that's bloody miserable
oH that's the deathly hallows

she did it in like 3 minutes why are there 2 parts

i'm trying to understand the purpose of snatchers

do they just hang out in the woods all day trying to catch wandering witches and wizards

have they nothing better to do

seriously

creepy bastards

i take that back
their leader has an Adam Ant thing going on and i'm totally into it

why don't more men wear eyeliner

Dobby redemption arc

but of course he hAD TO MAKE A SPEECH
wtf is this movie

this is just stupid now

i don't very much like what's going on right now
this is just miserable
unbelievable

don't bury a body in the sand Harry please

alright
so i finished part 1

i'm going to get started on part 2

i'm already dreading it
the body count is ridiculously high
the movie is miserable

what makes things worse is knowing there are the two spin off movies after this
can i just watch twilight instead idk

oh we're jumping right in
you'd think Voldemort after all these years of waiting to finally face Harry he'd have at least cut his fucking nails

i want to say he's not about looking good but there was that whole scene where he was at the train station in a suit so idk

i can't think of anything

the body count if absolutely insane
we're 20 minutes through and already someone has been burned alive

i'm utterly speechless

i get that we're meant to have a whimsical moment because the trio escaped but at least 6 people died in the process

NEXT SCENE

LITERALLY 17 CORPSES

I COUNTED THEM

there's so much blood

we're back in Hogwarts

FINALLY

oh no

let's not go back
this is miserable
everything is so bleak
is Snape wearing eyeshadow?
why are the professors just standing idly by

oh frick are students being charged with harboring a fugitive

oh for crying out loud

of cOURSE IT'S A SLYTHERIN THAT SPEAKS UP AGAINST HARRY

COME ON
CAN WE AT LEAST GIVE SLYTHERIN A CHANCE TO REDEEM THEMSELVES?

that poor house
there's some poor first year who wants to help harry but now he's got to go to the dungeons

tHIS IS CRAZY

music is fabulous

there is a war waging and Harry is faffing about with a ghost

why must they speak in riddles
just speak normally

wait
Harry
how did you get that so quickly

i'm so confused

Ron and Hermione finally snogged

it wasn't as awkward as i expected

oh the barrier is down
so many students are going to die

oH IT'S OUR FANCY SNATCHER FRIEND
i like him and his eyeli....oh he's gone

WELP

dID ONE OF DRACO'S GOONS ACTUALLY JUST TRY TO MURDER HARRY

what in the actual heck

oH my god now the students are trapped in a burning room
hoW MANY MORE CHILDREN NEED TO DIE

WHAT IS HAPPENING
I'M BLOODY LIVID
THIS IS HORRIFYING

OH MY GOD
THEY ACTUALLY DID IT
WHAT?!

they are actually killing the children

this is unbelievable
sure they might've had minor roles

but you named them
yOU GAVE THEM NAMES

this is some nuzlocke shit and i'm not okay with it

i'm actually losing my mind here

that was probably one of the more gruesome deaths I've seen
and I've watched at least 2 people get burned alive

oh god is this some Voldemort ASMR
no wonder everyone looks so uncomfortable

it's like he's breathing in my ear
get out

oh my god
this not okay

I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THESE FEELS

THIS IS EMOTIONAL TERRORISM

sTOP STOP IT I HATE THIS I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT IHATEIT I HATE IT

wHAT A TWIST

this isn't acceptable

jesus
i'm sure Harry is all sorts of jacked up after that reveal

i know i am
didn't see that coming
my goodness
someone give him a hug

i'll be honest

i'm still not entirely sure what Voldemort's end goal is

this movie is emotional trauma
i know i've been snarky in my tweets but i'm heavily invested despite being ever so confused

PUT HAGRID DOWN STOP THIS IS TOO MUCH

pUT THE FLESHY BOY IN THE BIN

this is just morbid

can we stop the sadness

dRACO COME ON LAD
REDEM
Oh
nvm
NEVERMIND

NEVILLE
LAD

stellar job

oh my goodness
that whole standoff was great
i thoroughly enjoyed that
i mean
a lot of people died and it was kind of jacked up
but y'know
there'll be time to mourn

first gotta celebrate Harry being a top lad i guess

they were just spitting babies out weren't they

oh what a wholesome ending

bless 'em

well

that's it
I finished all the Harry Potter movies
good job
that cost me like 100$ because i had to buy them all
uh
that's all I've got

wAIT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SLYTHERIN STUDENTS IN THE DUNGEON