Thread by @DGil2295

#crimesofgrindelwald
Here we go again.

I say again, but I am going in blind this time. I had left my job at the theater and the only opportunity to see it was during Thanksgiving with my family, which included little nephews. Naturally, we saw Wreck-It Ralph 2 instead.

I was on this movie's side for a while, until the trailers (and characters that had a good conclusion last time) started rolling in, and right about the part where JK said that Nagini was meant to be a Korean lady from the beginning, I made an effort to avoid watching it.

So, here we are. Me gazing into the uncharted territory of the worst reviewed and performing Wizarding World movie at the time of this tweet armed with my riffs and blind hope that this can't be as bad as Beauty and the Beast 17.

...right?

SMOOOOOOOKE
ON THE WARNER!

After banging my head on the Warner's logo passing by (cut me some slack, my freakish hight made me paranoid that the TRex would pick me off in the Jurassic Park Ride) we see the first appearance of the Wizarding World logo.

I dig it. Better than the underwhelming DU logo.

And before you ask, maybe next poll.

MAYBE.

I know it's a post-Goblet of Fire staple to zoom past the logos at the speed of your average dark ride, but come on! Us Troopers have a hard enough time with doorways as it is!

"AMERICAN MINISTRY OF MAGIC"

...I thought they were the MACUSA.

Huh, so that's how Axe body spray works...

Did that Rango reject just eat a man's liver? What gives with the mask?

Also, it's got eyes like:

Wow.

Dude got his tongue cut (or magicked) out.

Does that mean the lizard thingy is his answer to Cotton's parrot?

Woah, didn't know Bethesda specialized in magical prisoner transportation!

Okay, dumb question: Why aren't they instantly popping Grindelwald through apparating or the Floor network?

*Floo.

****in autocorrect.

Why do the carriage lock remind me of K'Nex rods?

So a bunch of Thestrals, Tinker Toy magic locks, and four dudes on broomsticks are enough to contain a dark wizard?

Considering his tongue is gone, magic shouldn't be an asset to the guy they've locked in heavy restraints and no access to learning non verbal magic.

And wait, how can the carriage drivers even SEE the Thestrals?

...who did they watch die?

Oh, so he does know non verbal magic.

Why don't they just kill him? You were perfectly happy with sticking Tina in the mercury penseive, why wouldn't you do the same with the homicidal maniac with permission from overseas to answer for his crimes, MACUSA?

Fun fact: Tim Burton taught Johnny Depp how to bug out his eyes in a cartoonish fashion on the set of Alice in Wonderland. He can pretty much do it on command now.

So, I'm gonna assume that Polyjuice potion was used to disguise them since no other means of disguise like that has been seen before. Ignoring how the switch could have taken place, why did they both have different transformation effects? One was rocky, the other a simple melt.

Well, the idiots on broomsticks were utterly useless.

Why do I suspect the answer as to what the purpose of that keychain is will be underwhelming?

Considering the big gotcha in the first 5 minute of ZOMG! GRINDELWALD! was pretty meh, I have a feeling.

Okay, the Thestrals running on water is silly.

Can these dipsticks on broomsticks not use their wands? What are they doing if not securing the transport? Just enjoying the wonderful rainy weather, perfect for flying?!

Uh, Grindy? Who's driving?

Uhh...

"And for joining my cause, have a new tongue..."

I had a similar problem with the first movie.

The Beasts, while Fantastically designed (see what I did there?), were never keyed in very well. They look like they don't occupy the same space as the actors, and it looks just as bad here.

Heheh, Johnny Depp cuddling a lizard...

Guess the lizard didn't join the noble cause.

#justiceforrango

Why drop the wand first?

Weirdo...

Uh...no.

If you wanted him alive to send a message, just drop him with his wand, why plop him down like that?

Watch out, you're about to hit a boy fishing on the moon up there!

Why play the peppy Fantastic Beasts theme over the scene of Grindelwald, the murderous silver tongue escaping?

That'd be like playing the classic Superman music over this scene:

A lovely, overcast day over London, England, complete with brief glimpse of Big Ben.

Either show us London or give us text as we go underground. Doing both is redundant.

Been there, done that. Only now, more RED!

Remember how the first movie began with Newt taking his first steps into America off the boat, fiddling with his suitcase lock, a sense of a new adventure beginning?

Here we are at a place we've been several times and Newt looks like he's at the Principal's office.

Button rolling away from Green Groot.

Riveting.

Did Dr. Seuss design that Roomba?

BS CG Effect Count: 2

Also, the Wizarding World took a while to warm up to Muggle plumbing, but are happy to let that hideous contraption run loose in the dang Ministry of Magic?

So, this Leta lady fancies Newt and Newt is uncomfortable since she's dating(?) his brother.

Better question. Do you care?

Newt didn't destroy anything. The Obscurus kid and Grindelwald did.

Why are people looking for excuses NOT to blame the murderous maniac for damage he did?

So your answer to catching a dangerous radical like Grindelwald isn't a wizard trained in catching dark wizards, it's an animal wrangler/author?

Wait, what?

Putting aside the Architect level of boring exposition, the Obscurus kid is alive? HOW? He blew up but good!

"He's still alive."

THAT'S IT?!

You do not just kill off a kid with sincere emotion in the last movie only to just say, "Nope. He's back."

That cheapens the emotional effect from one movie ago! What?!

Show of hands, who thinks that after they empty the penseive, they fill it up with guacamole every Tuesday?

"What is HE doing here?"

Yeah, I'll do you one better. WHO is he?

Newt's eyes echo my own confusion.

What is even the deal?

Huh, Newt's big brother is literally watching him.

Little on the nose there...

Not letting this go, WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?

And why do you care about getting the job of hunting dow---he's in league with Grindelwald, isn't he?

So are there just clouds EVERYWHERE across Europe?!

The pinnacle of inconspicuousness, our Grindelwald.

"Who's there?"

EAT MINTY FRESHNESS!

Grindelwald's got a Ted Turner mustache.

Huh.

Wow, Johnny Depp looks SO lost as Grindelwald. I don't even think he knows what he's supposed to be feeling.

Determination? Sadness? Constipation? WHAT?

...

Okay, VERY much glad my nephew's didn't have to watch this. That poor baby is toast.

"Maybe we can have this little baby join our cause..."

"Haha, Jack Sparrow!"

"Nevermind, kill away..."

No reaction. Ughhhhh...

So we're stuck with Voldemort Zero for the next few movies, huh?

Yeah, I can blow people back like that too.

Not the Force, just give me Taco Bell and you're blown away like this poor mustachioed fellow.

Oh, so that's where Johnny Depp as the Invisible Man is introduced!

Funny, didn't think JK would be up for writing a DU movie inside a Wizarding World movie, but odd to just cut to him like that...

Ooh, glove charades! Okay, uh, hand shape, opening up, uhhh WING!

Oh man, we really are gonna spend three more movies with Dumbledore and Boredemort playing Hot Magic Potato with that darn Elder Wand, aren't we?

Wait, did they spend a while walking around? Why is it night all of a sudden.

Oh boy, Fawkes is gonna be a Deus Ex Machina.

Weren't you just asking yourselves these questions when reading/watching Harry Potter?

Sorry, doesn't matter who's name you scotch tape on to the Obscurus kid, I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM. He wasn't all that interesting during the last movie, and the way these guys are asking where he is makes him sound more and more like a Poochie.

Ugh, getting late. And we're only 19 minutes in.

Be back as soon as I can...

All right, where my Nomajs at? 19 minutes in, let's do this!
#CrimesofGrindelwald

Didn't know Dumbledore carried a card with Gandalf's mark on it from The Hobbit....

"Do you know why I admire you, Newt?"

Uhhh..... his hair? His impeccable taste in bowties?

Why is Next looking to the side, bewildered? In shots when we see Dumbledore, he even looks like he's facing him, but the shot previous, he's just gawking at the middle distance.

But WHY? Why can't the most powerful wizard make a move against this bozo? Why does it have to be the critter guy? What chance would he have over a silver tongued deceiver like Grindelwald?

Is it insulting to put a paper in the same pocket as a lead creature?

That's gotta be what's left of that poor little guy's cousin or something...

Too easy:

Oh good, the klepto plush toys are on the move...

Yeah, that slo-mo was necessary...

I get it already, movie! Newt is an awkward hunk that ladies love. Heard ya the first time...

The design of this new place is cool (I miss the suitcase, but whatever), but does the new house have a similar enchantment to the suitcase? If not, then how is there what looks like a waterfront in the heart of London?

Subtle.

There's GOTTA be some kind of enchantment, cause that's a little disorienting.

It was something shattering, you morons.

"It didn't work, pal."

... that's it?

The entire heart breaking ending to the first movie, where our loveable Nomaj has to sacrifice his knowledge of the Wizarding World, all undone by a single sentence.

LAME.

Didn't have any bad memories?!

Dude got bitten by a few critters, was in terror of half of the suitcase, and, oh yeah, faced the threat of an Obscurus!

Did--

Did Queenie futz with Jacob's mind? WHY?!

So characters we've only seen once are integral to meaningless drama?

Goody...

Just as I thought.

You'd figure someone who can read minds would respect people's boundaries enough to NOT ROOFIE SOMEONE INTO MARRIAGE AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE.

Thanks, JK. Thanks for soiling one of my favorite characters from the last one.

"Is it wrong to have a family?"

It is when not all parties are involved in the decision, you imbecile.

Apparating is a REALLY effective way to exit an argument.

Now if only I could root for anyone involved...

So he won't go to save the world, but to see his maybe/sorta girlfriend?

Our hero, everybody...

I don't know what it is with Wizards and fireworks...

Red balloon?!

Nagini, huh?

So this lady becomes a snake and then a literal prop a few movies from now?

So....

How do all these people know he's not talking up an Animagus? For all they know, she can turn into and out of a snake at will. What's with all this curse flappery?

That long take should've been impressive, but with all the blah CG I just don't care.

When do they sing Higitus Figitus already?

Where did all the staff go? It's not just the one dude and house elf running it, where are they?

Again, WHO CARES?

Credence was NOT the character that captured the imagination last movie. Why do the characters care about where he's from, and why should we?

Johnny Depp just vaped a demon dust bunny.

Again, something he can just do on command, I guess. But why the skull bong? Even this dude's laughing at the edge displayed here.

And I'm desperate for a scene other than boring people boringly talking in a room!

Snap it up, people!

WHY?!

No, seriously, WHY would someone who's "desperate for family" go looking for the radical murder wizard?

Finally, a good question from ol Venom tongue.

How do you know?

I mean I get it, powerful Obscurus, but a whole bunch of Aurors nearly killed him last time. And you think he can take out Dumbledore?

Mumble is jumping off the next cliff over.

I think I saw a giant golden eagle a few cliffs beyond too...

Wait, that was a Portkey?

I thought you held onto a Portkey, not get sucked into one!

Boy, now I understand when people say Stark tech is basically magic, holy cow. Newt Scamander just magicked Tony's crime scene tech from Iron Man 3!

Pavement isn't dirt, Kowalski.

Huh. I guess Newt is a big Shrek fan.

Well, you know what they say about ladies with big feet...

...wait.

There's a Forrest Gump joke here somewhere...

From nice and sunny to wet and stormy in a single cut!

SyFy movies are better at this than you, movie!

I'm si--tting in the rain....
Disinterested in the rain....

Okay, WHAT?

Queenie just hears everyone involuntarily? The first movie REALLY didn't insinuate that at all. It's that she couldn't help but really their minds in a playful, light-hearted way, not that she's Charles Frickin Xavier!

Brief hallway scene guest directed by Tim Burton...

Why did the wall crumble there? That was pointless...

Again, all it takes to survive this kid is a magic bubble. And Grindelwald wants this kid to take out DUMBLEDORE?

Um, no.

Unless she really is an Animagus, she shouldn't be a human. The circus dude clearly said she's stuck like that for a while before turning human.

"Your name will be written in glory..."

Doughy McHenchman, truly a name for the ages...

*sigh*

Everything?

You mean you miss the way she drugged you, manipulated you into a trip, an engagement, and heavens knows what else, the way she reads your mind (uncontrollably now for some reason), stop me if I hit something...

Silly question, but who's looking after Jacob's bakery while he's on a merry jaunt across Europe? Is it still around? Does he care?

...YOU'RE MAGIC!

You mean to tell me that frickin witches and wizards can't introduce medication to the eye in ANY other way than an eye drop?

BE MILDLY CREATIVE.

Another sad victim of overacting. All that ham in the dialogue didn't help.

So let me get this straight...

A fearsome Chinese beast with an enormous tail, runs amok, and is stopped by...a cat toy.

Too bad they couldn't use one of these to stop him:

Or maybe they could train him to play an instrument of some kind...

I mean, come the heck on....

Yay Hogwarts!

Only being shown by a traitor and 4 other characters we don't care about! But who cares? JOHN WILLIAMS MUSIC!!!!

Fun wizard duels? BAH!

Who needs that when we can have even MORE conversations with dull people about dull expostition!

Can this movie quit telling me what's happening in the Wizarding World and just SHOW it to me?

Just like @ERodBuster1 says, it's a movie, not radio with pictures.

We SAW a simple bubble hold up against his power? What's this "You're his equal" nonsense?

Quite the shaky camera there for a ponderous shot, movie.

How many millions of dollars were spent on this behemoth, and how many tripods did you have?

So Leta is afraid of Cirque de Soleil?

And I care?

Again, pining for Newt. Heard you the first time...

Queenie, you're psychic. Is the reason you can't read her mind that she speaks French?

Again, PSYCHIC!

HOW could she not read his mind and see that he's only telling her what she wants to hear? Or is Grindelwald ThAt PeRsUaSiVE?

Ugh..

We're an hour out from ending it, and it ends tonight.

#CrimesofGrindelwald
1 hr, 14 minutes in.

Um, no.

The Mirror of Erised shows what you want most in this world, it is not a dang exposition machine for showing us why Dumbledore can't move against Grindelwald. Although it is nice to see some dialogueless film for once...

And what he wants to see most is a reminder of why he can't move against Grindelwald...and then we just see Grindelwald?

Guys, I think JKRowling.exe stopped working...

I swear that funky circle is a Final Fantasy logo...

So is wandless magic a thing? I ask, since this movie is so dedicated to explaining what we already/didn't want to know and so little explaining relevant details to the world building.

For someone who's strength lies in world building, this is just bizarrely sloppy.

"You might not want to watch this."
"I can handle it."

This movie just read my mind. Although, I doubt her reaction will mirror my own...

Nope. Mirrored my own.

Man, Tina's in more a hurry to get out of this movie than I am.

Oh goodie, more will they/won't they crap.

AAAAAH!

Killer curtains! RUN!

Calling his followers with autonomous bed spreads!

The monster...

Too easy:

Now we're on a merry scavenger hunt that mired MIIB. Also like MIIB, a bunch of characters are here that shouldn't be, focusing on the same sections to relive former glories of the franchise...

These aren't good movies, that's the point I'm making.

Not since Green Goblin lounging on a rooftop has such a scoundrel utterly undermined his own scariness!

"What do you want?"
"From you? Nothing. FOR you?"
Me: Everything?
"Everything."

I'M A WIZARD!

"I wanna know who I am."

I wanna know what love iiiiiiiiiiiis

-or-

I wanna hold your ha-aaa-aaaaand!

"This is just a coloring map from Denny's."

"I know, I'm crazy!" *dives off roof*

A thin old white dude in Europe?

I didn't think the Academy had any members with homes in Europe.

Oh Nicolas Flamel....

What would've been a cool moment of fanservice for a long time fan like me is undone by you running like this for no reason...

"At last we see some development."

He's not watching the movie, obviously. That thing has to be hooked up to his stories or something.

Again, that's the dude that almost exploded A WHOLE CITY.

And that wasn't filed under "bad memories" to be erased by the plot juice rain?

And the macguffin of a future Harry Potter movie is lying in a safe with a book.

If this film hadn't bored me to tears I might've been mildly excited...

WHO???

No seriously, WHO THE HECK are you, lady?! Why does Flamel know you? Why do you believe in him? Why is Flamel even in this movie?

Um, no.

Polyjuice potion doesn't take THAT short a time to take effect.

How do they enforce the "No Apparate on Ministry Grounds" rule?

Honor system? Anti-Magic Field Generator? HOW?!

Setting free wild animals? Putting together a field guide for magical creatures? Helping save New York?

All second to him being present when someone stuck his weiner brother in a chair.

"Queenie? Queenie?"
"Chief?"
"McCloud!"

Getting REALLY sick of starting tweets like this, but UM, NO.

Lumos is the light spell, giving off a jet of light from your wand. It does not turn into this guy, movie:

Even the light fairy is sick of their crap.

"Uh, the plot is THIS way, genius!"

Dammit movie, if I want to watch stilted love dialogue, I'D WATCH ATTACK OF THE CLONES AGAIN!!

Oh yeah, movie. Let's go!

Wait, I blinked. Why is there an old lady skulking? Why is the library playing musical chairs? What's with the letter?

She saw the little Slim cousin, but not the enormous suitcase slightly to the left?

What?

And for the record, I mean this Slim:

Oh goodie, a Fantastic Beast action scene AN HOUR AND A HALF IN.

It's not even a great one, just Newt clumsily painted on a giant dragon tiger fighting demon cats we were introduced to mere moments ago.

Why did the movie turn into Coraline for a minute.

No seriously, what was that?!

Aaaaaand they just turned into regular cats for no reason.

"Tell me my story."

But don't show it, we all came to see boring people talk boringly!

Oh they're ACTUALLY showing stuff this time!

Too little too late...

Half elf?

As in half house elf? O.o

Buddy, you're lucky if you turn out to be a Defender, let alone an Avenger.

Thank you for breaking up the DRAMA!!!!!1! of the going son with another continuity gaff, movie.

Accio brings an object straight to the user, not slumped to the ground.

So that's why Leta's Boggart looks like that? She's AFRAID of her brother drowning??

No she isn't. If anything, she's ASHAMED of what happened. Boggarts show fear, not shame.

"You didn't mean to do it, Leta."

...yes she did. It wasn't an accidental switch, it was deliberate. She's not even all that torn up about it. You dodged a bullet big time, Newt.

"You never met a monster you couldn't love."

Neither have I, lady.

Please be a Pro Bending Arena, Please be a Pro Bending Arena...

Oh, don't you go there Tina...

Project from the chest, Grindelwald!
Nobody can hear you when you mumble like that!

"...you crave something new."

Delicious Hot Pockets...

So the German Muggle is KahntShpell and French is Nonmagique.

This movie is teetering DANGEROUSLY close to Midichlorian City Central...

So Grindelwald is saying...

Okay, so we saw the dopey heart locket macguffin, but Newt didn't. Why would he have an AHA moment? Or did he just get distracted by the shiny?

Putting aside preventing WWII as a reason to join the Wizard Fascist, we now remember Jacob is a WWI vet?

Part of me wonders if he served with Diana, and then the rest of me is stopping before I give WB any ideas...

Can't have any pesky emotion, no no. Just keep looking blankly at Johnny Depp.

I've seen more life at an Old Folk's Home. Not kidding, they know how to have a good laugh...

Again, NO.

The Killing Curse is a powerful curse that must be SAID OUT LOUD.
How do I know this? This guy HAD to say it, and he's a powerful dark wizard, OR had you forgotten?

I thought Apparating looked like misty twizzlers, not just straight puff shots up.

Holy smokes, this movie...

What's stopping these Killing Curse trigger happy cretins from just capping him right there? That fire shouldn't take out spells, should it?

"He wants what we want."

YOU. ARE. PSYCHIC.

How are you not seeing this?!

Congratulations, the guy we we're SUPPOSED to be chasing this movie joined the bad guy. Evil wins, yaay...

Also, WHO thought playing whimsical music during the tragic NOOOOOO moment was a good idea?

Again, we saw her backstory. Quit telling us again, movie!

Well, Paris hates you...

Oh, you did not just...

Meaningless VFX slugging it out and causing destruction?

Just the thing that'll stop the fire!
MORE FIRE!!

The good thing about this fight is that the blue fire slugging it out with the red fire reminds me of the final Agni Kai. The bad thing? It's not as well written as the Agni Kai.

Kiiiiiiinda anticlimactic...

A gift for him? His first wooden magisword? SCORE!

And Dumbledore is starting up the YMCA dance?

Okay...

Ugh, this movie isn't going to end with him busting that thing up? You had a shot to end with a powerful "Let's go get that SOB" moment, but you pass it up for tea and exposition. But MAAAAAAAAYBE he'll destroy it!

*sigh*

...

PHOENIXES!!!
DON'T!!!!
WORK THAT WAY!!!!!

They flame up when they get old, not when they hit maturity! Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, member that?

And on that stellar note of a family revelation and a wand used as an anime blast, we conclude Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald!

Final thoughts?

The word I can use to best describe Fantastic Beasts: #TheCrimesofGrindelwald is dischordent. So many ideas, characters, plot beats, revelations, all amounting to a messy handful of nothing.

This movie spends about two Dumbos worth of screentime going through about half as much plot as one Dumbo.

The magic is gone, continuity (not just from movie to movie, but scene to scene) has had war declared on it, and it is an utterly tedious waste of JK's talents.

Decent performances and VFX (if admittedly inconsistent), but tedious plotting that is more content with constant, even redundant, information dumps than compelling drama or characters drags this down considerably. Yech.