Thread by @shannonrosa

I think a lot about How I Want People To Talk With (And About) My #Autistic Son, and try to model the way I'd like other people to talk and think about him. Here’s how those conversations usually go.

#neurodiversity 1/

Other person: “Autism. Um. That must be hard.”

Me: “Well, my son is actually more easygoing than his siblings. He’s like a lot of autistic people—it’s hard for him to be in places that aren’t autism-friendly…

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"…and it can be hard for him to communicate. But my autistic son is a wonderful person.”

Other Person: “That's really interesting.” (Processes what I’ve said, ideally.)

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I have casual conversations like this a lot. If you're #ActuallyAutistic or the parent of an #autistic kid, or work with autistic people, you probably do, too.

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The conversations can sometimes get irritating or depressing, because it's draining to have to constantly remind non-autistic people who only know negative media messages about #autism that #autistic people are human, just like them. 5/

But being human doesn't mean we're "all the same." It doesn't mean denying the realities of being autistic. All human individual realities create specific circumstances, specific needs, and so specific opportunities for misunderstanding. 6/

And bad things can happen when human beings don't understand other human beings' realities.

So I'm asking you to try to understand. I'm asking you think about how you talk about #autistic people like my son. 7/

If you’re not autistic, I want you to think about how you talk to autistic people. And you probably know more autistic people than you think you do, given that autism is under-diagnosed, especially in women and people of color. 8/

Talking to other humans on a human level is, well, a human thing to do, because no one likes being treated badly—or even awkwardly.

And I don't expect anyone trying do the right thing to get everything right instantly, mostly because I struggle with social dynamics myself. 9/

…Also because autistic people have personalities, plus there are those pesky individual circumstances, so what works for one person may not work for another. But I want you to try. 10

As for talking with #autistic people: I am mindful of speaking to my son with the assumption that he understands me, at all times. If he absolutely has to get what I'm saying, I will check in with him, and confirm. #neurodiversity 11/

But otherwise, what is the harm in including my #autistic son in conversations, even if he responds in his own way, or doesn't respond at all? 12/

What if I oversimplified everything I said to my #autistic son, with the result that he felt singled out and more different than he already does, plus missed out on a ton of information (I am the queen of info monologuing) and camaraderie? I'm not willing to take that risk. 13/

Still, my son is probably aware that I talk differently to him than siblings. I am more polite, and more patient. But… maybe this is because, with his sweet, cheerful-like-his-father personality, he gives me less grief than his temperamental-like-their-mother siblings? 14/

Is that fair to my autistic son's siblings, who are also human beings? I'm working on it. 15/

Talking with autistic people is something non-autistic people need to educate themselves about. You may already be familiar with common guidelines, advice like don’t insist on eye contact; know that your statements may be taken literally; & don't be impatient. #neurodiversity 16/

But there are many other factors to consider about being respectful without being patronizing while talking with autistic people, like varying language comprehension, auditory processing, & the role of stress. (follow @epballou, @myceliorum, & @Cal__Montgomery for good info.) /17

How non-autistic people talk about autistic human beings, how non-autistic people talk with autistic human beings, really does need to change. The following is a list of what I’d ask of you, if you're not yourself autistic:

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-Don't be patronizing to autistic people when you talk with them.
-Don't suddenly change the way you talk with a person if you find out they are #autistic.

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-Do talk to #autistic people like you talk to non-autistic people. If you need to modify the way you're speaking, you'll probably be informed of that fact. Otherwise, carry on. 20/

-Specifically, don't assume you need to simplify your speech. It makes me furious to hear people talk to my #autistic son with oversimplified baby language like, "Want watch Teen Titans?" instead of "Hey, want to watch some Teen Titans superhero action?” 21/

-Try—really try—not to use patronizing terms like "buddy" when you talk to #autistic teenagers and adults, if you wouldn't use such terms for other people their age. (I tend to use "dude" for any age or gender, but I'm from Southern California.) 22/

-Give the #autistic person you're speaking with a couple of beats to process what you’re saying. Understand that these may be long beats.

-Don't talk about autistic people in front of them as though they're not there or can't understand. Seriously. Just don't do it. 23/

-If an #autistic person indicates that they're in distress, or doesn't respond when you speak to them, reconsider whether that is the best time to press for a response.
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-Do respect #autistic requests for communication accommodation, like writing, typing, or devices. Communication is a human right, not a dispensation. 25/

This is by no means a complete or comprehensive list about talking with #autistic people, but it's a starting point, for non-autistic humans trying to do right by the autistic humans they live with, & among. And, in my case, the autistic young man I love with all my heart. 26/26

If you found this thread useful, it’s from the post How I Want People To Talk With (And About) My Autistic Son, at @thinkingautism, which is probably easier to share than a tweetstorm:

thinkingautismguide.com/2020/01/how-i-…

And, again, all thanks to my #autistic mentors.

#neurodiversity