Thread by @Shakespeare

At Heathrow for our flight to the #Oscars. Jonson studiously ignoring the clucking noises coming from his luggage.

A flight from Heathrow to LAX is like Scorsese’s Irishman: less than four hours by the clock, but feeling infinitely longer.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

Every flight attendant on this plane hath fallen in love with Donne on a previous #Oscars flight.

We may have a problem.

#ShakesLA

Three different flight attendants have spilled water, coffee, and whiskey on Donne’s trousers. He hath now gone to the rear to “clean up.”
#ShakesLA

I always bring along some fiction to read on long flights. That’s why I’ve pack the Evening Standard and the Daily Mail.
#ShakesLA

Now Marlowe hath lit a flame in one of the airplane loos. Not smoking. Alchemy.
Donne and his admirers are occupying the other loo. Again.
#ShakesLA

Going through customs at LAX. Marlowe hath arranged EU passports for us all. Jonson’s clutch of hens desperate to escape.
#ShakesLA

Bit of a hiccup with the passport Marlowe got me. American customs guards don’t seem to understand Elizabethan Stage Dutch.
#ShakesLA

Customs officer glanceth at Donne’s passport, says “Welcome to America, Monsignor.”
Donne sauté, “Grazie” and breeze the through.
#ShakesLA

Jonson hath forged Bulgarian passport. Speaking Biblical Hebrew while popping eyes and puffing cheeks.
Donne: “‘Bulging,’ methinks.”
#ShakesLA

Jonson hath drawn so much atttention at customs that Marlowe’s bags have been completely ignored. Mission accomplished.
#ShakesLA

Rather, Donne *saith* Grazie and *breezeth* through.

Jonson hath had the three hens in his carry-on confiscated. He’s down to the five in his checked bags and the one down his trousers.
#ShakesLA

Marlowe hath pulled our hired convertible up to the Chateau Marmont’s door. Our rooms o’erlook Belushi’s ghost’s bungalow. Let #Oscars weekend begin.
#ShakesLA

The important thing about dining on Sunset Boulevard is wearing one’s best and most fashionable hose.
Also, big roses on the shoes.
#ShakesLA

If thou art going to get kicked out of a book shop because thy friends cannot behave, thou canst not get kicked out of a better one than @BookSoup.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

@BookSoup Gods above, do I enjoy the drama section in @BookSoup.

The drama Jonson is causing in the poetry section, much less.

#ShakesLA

@BookSoup Marlowe always leaves a shop with at least two books. One to read, and one to hollow out.

#ShakesLA

Got to stay in @Booksoup for nearly an hour last night, until Marlowe wandered to the true crime section and offered to do live re-enactments.
#ShakesLA

How am I this hungover this early in our #Oscars visit? It bodes ill.
#ShakesLA

The name “Bloody Mary” is a bit fraught for me, but it makes a lovely part of poolside brunch at the Marmont.
#ShakesLA

Jonson turned to smuggling for fear of chlorinated chicken, but is content to see his hens swim in the Marmont pool.
#ShakesLA

LACMA under construction, so off to the Getty. Marlowe deliberately brings a small bag to leave at coat check.
#ShakesLA

Every museum visit goes the same way: Donne strolls about, discussing the art, and people collect around him.
#ShakesLA

Lunch in the Getty. Jonson too anxious about American food safety to touch poultry, orders three cheeseburgers.
#ShakesLA

Leaving the Getty, Marlowe retrieves a bag from the check room. Not quite the bag he checked when we came in.
#ShakesLA

If thou want’st to get to Santa Monica Pier swiftly, let Marlowe drive the rental. But be sure everyone else in the car is already dead.
#ShakesLA

In the convertible with Marlowe at the wheel. Jonson alarmed: "Was that cannon fire?"

Donne, serenely: "Methinks 'twas a sonic boom."
#ShakesLA

Donne considers the carnival rides on Santa Monica Pier, dropping folk from great heights. “Not unlike life at Court.”
#ShakesLA

One hour on Santa Monica Pier and Jonson hath a monstrous sugar high. He’s offering to show passersby his “gift of tongues.”
#ShakesLA

Now Jonson ranting about Emily Wilson’s alleged “defects as a translator.” Welcome to my world, Dr. Wilson.
#ShakesLA

Marlowe talking up the de-aging in The Irishman.
"Septuagenarians can play leading men. Like Garrick, or Yiddish theatre."
#Oscars #ShakesLA

Jonson hath not yet seen Parasite. He feared 'twould strike too close to home.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

I will confess that I am rooting for Little Women and Parasite. 1917 was handsomely done, but I don't like science fiction.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

Also, The Joker terrified me. A clown pursuing solo projects is my oldest professional nightmare.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

Marlowe doth root for Once Upon a Time ... in Hollywood. Because of the pretty boys and the crime.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

Donne held Sunday services in our hotel room this morning. Called up for a few bottles of excellent wine and consecrated them.
#ShakesLA

Donne giving his usual fear-the-wrath-of-the-Lord sermon. But he hath lipstick on his vestments.

(Two shades, BTW. Maybe three.)

#ShakesLA

Headed to Griffith Park before the #Oscars time. Donne wants to see the observatory, and Marlowe has to do a dead drop.
#ShakesLA

Jonson terrified by the Griffith Observatory planetarium. The alignment of stars they show looks astrologically disastrous.
#ShakesLA

Donne’s impeccably smooth until he speaks Spanish. He only knows “Surrender!” and “Where be thy gold?”
The food truck owners are enraged.
#ShakesLA

Jonson, Mr Food Safety, hath just eat nine food-truck tacos. For love of mercy, stand clear.
#ShakesLA

Ask not why it raineth upon the #Oscars red carpet. Ask who put Prospero’s screenplay in turnaround.
#ShakesLA

Ne’er call sexual harassment dead in Hollywood. I’ve just seen leers, lewd remarks, and groping. Don’t know how Donne stands it.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

I love the #Oscars red carpet. ‘Tis like Elizabeth’s Accession Day, but with less literal jousting.
#ShakesLA

I don’t dislike Marriage Story. ‘Tis just the whole Fair Lady/Dark Lady breakup dynamic. Not how I’d cast it.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

Best Supporting Fair Youth ... the category Brad Pitt was born for.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

I wish we’d had #Oscars in my day:

Best Cross-dressed Actor
Best Naughty Pun
Best Enjambment
Best Reference Slipped Past the Censors
Best Deranged Pamphlet War
Best Future Footnote

#ShakesLA

So, just to be clear:
“The Favourite” and “Parasite” are *different* films?
#Oscars #ShskesLA

But in doth, Bong Joon Ho is brilliant and I’m relieved not to compete against him. (I’m a Best Adapted type.)
Well done, good sir.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

In sooth, that is.

Every time the cast of Cats appears on the telly, T. S. Eliot’s ghost squirms. God, I love this.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

“The thing about not having one host for the #Oscars,” Marlowe says, “is I don’t know where my bloodcurdling revenge should begin.”
#ShakesLA

Well done, Bong Joon Ho. Cinema is not just for Americans.

#Oscars #ShakesLA

Right now for the after-parties. And, should the chance arise, pitching a few screenplay ideas.
“Like Zorro, but moody and Danish.”
#Oscars #ShakesLA

Marlowe gets so defensive when people ask if he’s an agent.
#Oscars #ShakesLA

Opened my eyes in the Chateau Marmont and immediately regret it. John Belushi’s ghost says, “You boys got a little crazy last night.”
#ShakesLA

This omelet tastes even better than Chateau Marmont standard.

Marlowe: “Fresh eggs. From Ben’s chickens.”

#ShakesLA

Evidently last night I:

-Pitched Much Ado as a “screwball comedy about honour killing”
-Drank tequila from an actual cactus
-Told everyone Anne Hathaway’s third-favourite sex position
-Had Scott Fitzgerald call the police on me

#ShakesLA

The good news: my drunken antics earned me script meetings at three studios this week.

The bad news: I told everyone I was the Earl of Oxford

#ShakesLA

Donne hath also been in, err, negotiations with three glamorous development executives. Not about a screenplay.
They’ve left contact info on the mirror in lipstick.
#ShakesLA

Marlowe hath not slept at all. Took the car, saying he just had to “Nip over the Mexican border and drop something off.”
#ShakesLA

To recap:

Me: hungover. Miserable.
Donne: hungover. Pleased with himself
Marlowe: alarmingly bright-eyed
Jonson: hungover, but also still drunk

#ShakesLA

Checking out of the Chateau Marmont. Jonson’s contraband chickens have made a break for freedom, escaping into the Hollywood hills.
#ShakesLA

Overcast. Marlowe driving toward Pasadena at blazing speed. Jonson looking ill. Donne chatting happily about cryptographic and string theory.
#ShakesLA

Alas, @TheHuntington clisss to visitors on Mondays. But Marlowe hath forged us reader’s cards with the names on our passports.
#ShakesLA

Sigh. “Closeth.”

Jonson looks around @TheHuntington gardens, background to so many films and television programmes. “Is this ... the Good Place?”
Near enough, Ben.
#ShakesLA

Trying to distract Huntington security guards while I remember the name on my ID and how it’s pronounced.
O sweet hell. There’s a bloody statue of me over there. I’m rumbled.
#ShakesLA