picture this. you’re on a first date. they ask if you like twitter. your face immediately lights up. they smile and ask what your favorite account is. without hesitation, the word “steak-umm” leaves your lips. steak-umm? they ask, confused. you reach for your water but it’s empty
you’re panicking. steak-umm? you think to yourself. why would i say that... yeah they’re a great follow .. but they’re a frozen meat brand ... surely i can think of a better account. your date is staring through you with the blinding intensity of a thousand eclipses
umm... i have other faves too... you whimper the words. what?? they respond, sounding concerned. they couldn’t hear that pathetic mumble. sweat drips down your brow. you begin to have an out of body experience witnessing yourself slowly shrink into a corncob
suddenly it hits you. corncob... i’m a .. corncob... DRIL!! you shout in the middle of the restaurant, as all air is sucked out like a vacuum. silence. everyone is staring in judgement, waiting for the conclusion to your new revelation. a child can be heard crying in the distance
you look down at your date for the approval and connection you’ve been craving all night. they lean in to whisper “who’s dril?” your eyes roll back as you spiral into insanity. you rip off your jacket and jump on the table, singing all star by smash mouth in the wrong key
your body is on fire and all you can see is the singer of @smashmouth with his arms outstretched like in that music video. he’s calling to you. you can hear the full band as you sing, kicking tableware all over the floor. the manager throws a jar of mints at you but misses
the mints explode onto a chandelier and rain down upon the patrons. everyone scrambles to grab them. free mints! the lights are now flickering like a strobe. at this point several people are filming the chaos, including your date who can’t believe they swiped right
meanwhile the jazz band at the restaurant has quietly been discussing if it’s appropriate to play all star in the wrong key with you as you trip across tabletops in a sweaty nostalgic nirvana. once the mints go flying they know it’s on. the beat drops and dance floor opens up
you feel the room shaking as you’re yanked down from the table. it’s your date... “look!” they shout over the jazz cover of all star. “you’re going viral!!” you stare at the phone to witness your dream-like state in action. what have you done.. this isn’t you... but the clout...
the view count goes higher and higher with zoomers on tiktok writing things like “ceo of not caring what other people think” and “all star cover better than the original?” you’re coming down from losing your mind but the party is just beginning. pitbull walks in the front door
you look up at your date. “hey i tried asking before you went off.. but what’s steak-umm?” they ask. steak-umm?? you ponder.. omg this all started because of steak-umm’s twitter! you try explaining what frozen beef sheets are but the paparazzi show up and jump in between you both
endless questions pour in about going viral. “wait!!” you shout over the suffocating microphones to reach your date... but they’re gone. lost in a sea of party animals just losing it to this jazz cover of all star in the wrong key. mints are still dropping from the sky somehow
fast forward 3 months. you’re living in an LA penthouse scheduled to go on tour with smash mouth and @lilnasx over the summer. you’re vegan and you wear birkenstocks everywhere. you’ve forgotten all about steak-umm’s twitter and that first date at the restaurant. it’s all a blur
you’re walking down sunset boulevard one day when you notice a mint on the ground. you pick it up, smiling. where have i seen this mint? hmm... you feel something smack you in the head. ouch! then again. and again. the skies darken and it begins raining mints like hail upon you
you try to run but before you know it the mints are up to your waist constricting you like a snake. your mind races. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. you think back on all the good times as mints consume you. pitbull’s helicopter, smash mouth’s private yoga studio, kale smoothies...
then it hits you. none of those things really mattered. you’ve been numb in your soul ever since that first date at the restaurant. you lost yourself. the you who loved steak-umm’s twitter and memes and tom-foolery. tears roll down your cheeks. and then... bright lights...
you look up and see that first date... who is standing next to a doctor. “omg you’re awake!” they shout. what... what happened??? you groan. “you passed out at the restaurant in the middle of talking about steak-umm’s twitter”
a weight is lifted from your chest. smash mouth, pitbull, the jazz band, mints, kale, and everything else had been characters in a play your mind created to protect you from the utter embarrassment of telling your date that your favorite twitter account was a frozen meat brand
kudos to your mind for having your back, but now you know how important it is to just be yourself. walking out of the hospital you tell your date all about steak-umm’s twitter and their spitballed meta threads that advertise meat into the void. it’s the start of something real
and that’s a love story worth singing about. at least singing all star in the wrong key on top of a table while mints rain down upon a viral rave converted restaurant
steak-umm bless
steak-umm bless
