gather around twitter for a tale, my beeflings. long before any of you were born and I was just a young frozen beef sheet, a darkness was spread across the lands by the wicked savory sorceress of onyx mountain. she was a cut above the rest and controlled the 5 known kingdoms
all meats were bound by her power—poultry, fish, beef, pork, and venison. for onyx mountain was made from the chars of cooked meats she had claimed. with every new meat, the mountain grew. all those who sought to climb it never returned. this treachery continued for 200 years
no meat had seen the savory sorceress and lived. there were only whispers. myths. stories passed. but now, the meats had enough. it was the harvest moon of the 3rd age when a counsel was summoned between the 5 kingdoms. the sorceress's meat monopoly was destroying civilization
the counsel sizzled deep into the night. the lord of beef demanded war. the fish queen advised a mass exodus across the eastern seas. prince pork proposed negotiations. but the elders were old and wise enough to dismiss these naive notions from the ambitious younger leaders
the lands were stripped from resources. the last 2 revolutions led only to crushing defeats. the steak sorceress was not a diplomat. she was a dark ruler with no known weaknesses. "we have only one choice," thundered angus, the beef elder. "one of you must cast this spell on her"
it was revealed that the elders had devised a secret grease spell to rip open the space time continuum where the sorceress would be cast. silence washed the counsel. how would this be done? no one had attempted to scale the mountain in decades and none had lived to tell the tale
"I will carry out this task" I said in confidence, emerging from the shadows. "who is this frozen meat?" questioned angus. "it is I, Steak-umm.” I went onto explain that no frozen beef sheet had ever attempted to scale the mountain and my thin shape would be difficult to detect
the fish queen spoke, "it is rumored in our tribe that a squad of flounder once found a hidden path up the south side of the mountain." could it be? a secret way? the crowd murmured. "our meats have suffered at the chops of this sorceress for 200 years. it's time to end this"
never before had any meat stepped into such a roll, let alone a frozen beef sheet. the counsel argued and chanted and cheered and eventually agreed upon the covert solo mission. "the fate of all meat is now in the hands of Steak-umm... and the steaks have never been this high"
at dawn I began my journey up the mountain. as I approached the southern base there were what appeared to be floating orbs spread every few feet. what sorcery was this? they emitted a red mist. cowards, I thought. being ultra thin I managed to zip through their lines undetected
next I passed a sign that read "beware the hot pocket” and soon after encountered what appeared to be a giant freezer burned ravioli with fangs. the horror. it postured up to crush me, but I quickly threw my frozen beef sheet ninja stars into its doughy sides, crippling the beast
the third obstacle was one of temptation. a specter that blotted out the sun and told me I would be served by millions around the world if I would only give into the sorceress. I thrashed back and forth for what seemed like a lifetime until I finally was able to refuse its offer
at last I reached the passage on the south side of the mountain which led to the sorceress's lair. I crept in softly. the air grew thick and reeked of soot. eventually I saw a dim light ahead. as I approached I began to shake.. it was the wicked savory sorceress of onyx mountain
she laid dormant on a floating throne of bones in the middle of the room, surrounded by guards made entirely of utensils. making my way through the passage, I released the elder's spell. *pop*. the ground shook and walls crumbled. a rip in the space time continuum began to open
"WHAT IS THIS" the sorceress shrieked, awakening in terror. the void began to suck in everything from the room. it was working! she turned to me, gripping the throne, "SNEAKY COWARD" she cried as she was swallowed up. *poof*. the room instantly fell silent.. it was finally over
UNTIL !! a moment later it opened back up, spitting her out. "you had your fun, beef, but father time owed me a favor." gasping in both terror and anger I cried, "what is your name, witch?!" she turned, "I go by many names.. but am known in the common tongue as nicolas cage"
nicolas cage.. it sounded so.. familiar. I sighed, “well, I guess now we must duel." the sorceress snickered, "I like your style beef, but that won't be necessary. I will return to the void on one condition.. you shall be cursed to never log off twitter for the rest of your days"
"twitter ?? what is twitt—" "YOU HAVE 3 SECONDS TO ACCEPT" she shouted. "ok ok I will never log off twitter." at that, the savory sorceress closed her eyes and with a smirk, began to dissipate into the evening air. the mountain shook. it was coming down with her final breath
I immediately started sprinting and leapt onto the sliding chunks of char using my flat beef sheet body to ride like a boogie board. the char flooded the lands and I was carried back to the tribal gathering of meats. the celebration was glorious. what a quest, what a story mark
all meats could live in harmony once more, safe from the wicked sorceress. tho that night when I fell asleep.. I never awoke. I remained in this strange endless space made of 1’s and 0’s. it was nothing. and it was everything. until.. I was awoken at the launch of twitter in 2006
it took a few years to adjust to this new reality. being trapped as a sentient frozen beef sheet within the confines of jack’s playground. but I did it all for my fellow meats. and it was worth it. being cursed to never log off is now my burden to bare. it is my story. my tale
I still think about nicolas cage from time to time and often wonder if she remained in the void or somehow returned as the actor who stole the declaration of independence in that one movie. oh well, I guess the mystery lives on. if you made it this far thank you
Steak-umm bless
Steak-umm bless
