Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Fine! I’ll do Speed. Err. Review Speed.

I haven’t seen this since the 90s.

It stars Keanu Speeves and Sandra Blindside.

It’s a movie about public transportation.

https://twitter.com/soundsaboutrig4/status/1414074194522906627

We start out with credits overlaying a shot of an elevator shaft, but super zoomed in. Like the camera guy fucked up kind of close.

Man. They’re just looping the footage. Maybe that is where they get the idea for later in the film.

Some random security guy finds someone in a restricted area. He demands a work order. Dennis Hopper loves memes because he says “Nothing personal” and teleports behind the dude to shank him with a…knife? Screwdriver? Something into the nosy security guy’s skull.

We cut to the end of an exciting meeting. They all get on the elevator. Oh. They pushed the floor button. This is some action packed 90s action of packed action movie action.

Oh. More shots of shafts and men and women in them.

Dennis the Menace blows the cables holding the elevator up. It, luckily, has brakes to slow it down.

It’s at this moment that Greg regrets not pissing before getting on the elevator. Bob regrets letting a fart go.

People flee the building as Keanu Kung Fus a god damn shitbox of a vehicle like 20 feet in the air for no reason. No way its shocks took that.

Keanu and his partner go in. They were for the… boom boom squad? That’s not right. Monster Squad? Oh. It’s the Bombpop Squad.

We cut to some hot CCTV action of the people inside the shaft. Stuck. Nowhere to go.

Pretty sure this is early reality tv.

Dyson is in charge. You know Dyson. He created Skynet in T2.

Turns out these execs are stuck there because Dennis Hopscotch wants 3 million or he makes the brakes go, too. He’s like Dr Evil but with more flash.

On Reeves’ team are the dad from Varsity Blues and Harry from Dumb and Dumber. Or you could just call him the incredible Jeff Daniels.

They discuss plans. Reeves keeps screaming he knows Kung Fu and elevators.

Lots of blah blah plans. Reeves and Harry (legit the character’s name) run up 32 flights without breathing heavy.

They’re drilling or releasing raptors. Both sound the same. Terminator music plays. Or at least 3 notes from it.

The bomb pops squad is trying to check the bomba strapped on it. Dennis Hops hears this and freaks a bit.

Harry wants to wait. Reeves wants to mad dog that.

So there is an hour to get 3 million. How?

Oh. Right. The dude is just crazy.

Reeves makes an insulting comment about the elevator’s weight. The elevator is having a bad day.

They go onto the roof so they can use a convenient wench to hold the elevator up.

Just. Pulse slowing action.

Holy shut. Skynet is gonna negotiate with terrorists.

Reeves and Harry point out the plight of the working class. I believe they’re discovering early Marxist thought all on their own.

Hopper blows the elevator brakes to assert dominance. The wench is holding…for now.

Some dude outside says “Usually they fall now.” What a ghoul.

Reeves and Harry get more cardio while the execs whine about workers getting a decent wage.

They open the elevator door and start taking people out. There’s a Karen who refuses to get out without talking to the elevator’s manager.

Karen gets pulled out after whining some. The elevator then drops.

Reeves and Harry ask if it was good for each other as they are spent from working the shaft.

They comment that Dennis had hoppered the gun and blew the shaft early.

Reeves realizes that Dennis is in the building. They decide the Hopper is in the freight elevators. They go after him. How exciting. I hope I can keep myself under control by all this pulse slowing action.

They almost get blasted when Hopper pulls out a gun and unloads on them

Everyone in that shaft would be deaf

Dennis takes Harry hostage.

Then moves the elevator…OH MY GOD GET TO THE BUS

Reeves jumps into the elevator and we’re treated to the line “Pop Quiz, hot shot.” Apparently Dennis is Reeves’ teacher.

I’m waiting on the bus. Tell me when it’s here.

Dennis is pissed that Reeves ruined his dumb scheme.

Haha. Reeves shoots Harry, but refuses to shoot the terrorist. Makes sense.

Dennis makes his escape and drops a bombpop.

We cut to an award ceremony. Harry whines that Reeves did what Harry told him to do (shoot him).

They also assume Dennis is dead. Apparently they put zero effort into confirming this.

Harry and Reeves get commendations and nothing else. Sounds lame. And. Surprise. Dennis is alive.

They’re at a bar and I’m gonna drink until the bus comes.

Wacky banter.

Man. I should have made a burrito.

Oh, god. They’re still talking about luck or lucky charms.

Then Harry talks about going home to have sex. I sure with who.

Finally. We get that sweet bus action or stopping the bus so the guy can…the driver is friends with Reeves.

Reeves is at a coffee shop. He gets a coffee and muffin. Riveting.

Holy hell. Reeves bud friend gets blown up. Uh. Must have gone under 50.

Reeves goes to see if his buddy is medium or medium well.

Reeves goes to a ringing pay phone. Man. This scene wouldn’t exist today. I mean maybe some hipster terrorist would add a single sourced phone booth or something near the explosion. Like. Have “Call for Hope” signs on it and shit. And just be an insufferable color.

People would take photos with it all the while Reeves character (played by some asshole I’ve never heard of) is trying to answer the phone.

But hipsters keep pushing him aside so they can make a video with #inspired or some shit.

Then Reeves’ character would get mad, but then the hipsters would record him and post #cancel and he’d get fired. Hoppers character wild be so confused and pissed that he couldn’t play his game because Reeves’ character was shitcanned.

We are insufferable now is my point.

Holy shit. I just blacked out and apparently went off on some rant about hipsters and payphones. Back to the movie.

Reeves answers a public pay phone for no reason. I mean did people back then just answer a random ass public phone ringing?? I sure as hell didn’t and I passed by more than one that was. I bet I avoided some weird situations that way.

Dennis realizes the…he spent 2 years to do that? I feel like he spent too much time on it.

Dennis does egomaniac bullshit monologues.

He then does another pop quiz.

Dennis tells him that a bud is rigged and if it goes under 50, it…uh. Gets a ticket? They win free snow cones? I don’t know. It’s not plot relevant.

He wants 3 million by 11am (3 hours). This movie wouldn’t be an issue for me. I’m such a lazy prick that I’m asleep at 8am. I’d wake up to news about a bus and just skip to cartoons or something. God, I’m an asshole.

Dennis tells them the bud and Reeves endangers lives fleeing a crime scene.

We cut to Sandra Burnlungs running after a bud screaming. The bus driver notices and just laughs. I like the bus driver.

Sandra gets on the bus after the driver stops. She gets on the bus and says hi to someone. Don’t do that on a public bus. It’s just weird. Most people, especially that early, just want to get to work. They probably don’t have any caffeine in them.

Oh, my god. Ferris Bueller’s friend Cameron is on the bud and starts to talk to Sandra. Yeah. Definitely not from here. And this was 90s LA. He should be happy that a bomb on the bus is the worst thing that happens to him.

Cameron won’t shut the fuck up. He’s like that prick on a plane who sits beside you and won’t shut the fuck up. Sandra pretends she has gum on her seat so she can sit elsewhere. I understand.

More Reeves being a menace to get to the bus. Like. The dude has no…Hey. I recognize that place. Cool.

Sandra sat beside a woman and she won’t shut the fuck up either.

Stop talking to strangers on the bus. Be like me. Never…

Wait. Sandra whines about missing her car, but knows the bus driver??? Why??

They get stuck in traffic, so Reeves catches up. He punches the glass slider to convince the driver to stop. For some reason he doesn’t stop for a screaming madman.

Reeves almost gets hit and then hijacks someone. Like straight up pulls a gun.

Reeves’ hostage is trying to get Reeves to chill and then tries to get Reeves to see him as a human. He heard that helps keep your captor from@killing you.

Oh, no. The bud went over 50, so the boom boom device is armed. Reeves tries to stop the driver.

Reeves forced his hostage to write a message to the bud he wants to take over.

The note flies onto the windshield. The driver slows down. Uh. Reeves. You need to tell him to go over 50 for else. Jesus. You suck at this. You should stick to carjacking and shooting your friends.

Reeves gets lucky that his hostage has a car with a car phone. He forces his hostage to call the police. No. Wait. He has them call Reeves’ partner (the one he shot)

Reeves tells Harry he’s alive. Wait. Did they…never mind. Who cares.

Reeves tells the bus driver he’s going to jump over. Reeves’ hostage is excited. Then Reeves intentionally causes massive damage to his hostage’s car and steals his phone. This man is our “hero.”

Reeves jumps onto the bus while Reeves’ hostage gets into an accident. He should 100% sue the fuck out of the LAPD.

Reeves tells the driver to keep it over 50. Sandra starts in on Reeves, but he tells her to zip it.

Hahaha. A random passenger pulls out a gun and demands the bus be stopped. Reeves talks the dude down. Uh. They definitely are stereotyping in this scene.

Hahaha. Another passenger wrestles the gunman. The gunman glacks the driver. Man. Reeves is a terrible cop.

The bud has an accident and Sandra Takes over the driving. She wants to stop, but Reeves tells her it’ll explode@if they go under 50.

Uh. He really needs to@relay this info sooner.

The driver is bleeding out. Sandra uses snark to distract from her panic.

Ya know. Everyone is way too trusting.

Hey. I know that bridge.

More pulse slowing helicopter action.

Hopper watches the news. Man. You can tell this is the 90s because Hopper is obviously bored.

Okay. Harry. Don’t talk with your mouth full. That is disgusting.

The driver tells Reeves there is an access panel. They can conveniently see it. Reeves informs Harry via Cameron that he sees a big wad.

Harry somehow knows what decoy Hopper will pull. Reeves looks and sees a bigger boom boom.

Reeves overexaggerates and Sandra whines about traffic. How Angeleno of her.

Sandra uses the shoulder to keep up. She hits another car and this doesn’t slow her.

Reeves demands Sandra get off. Men. Always…okay she hits everything. EVERYTHING in her way. Cars. Signs. Everything and doesn’t show a bit.

She causes soooo many wrecks. So many. Sooo many.

There’s a joke about accidents and drivers of a certain type and I won’t make that joke.

So Sandra is a shitty driver because of stereotype.

Harry figures out Hopper is ex cop.

Hahaha. That god damn car cell@phone is hilarious. Like it would have that good a coverage.

Ya know. Those passengers are totally gonna get fired. They go to work and say “Sorry. On was on that runaway bud you saw on tv.” Their boss won’t believe them and they get axed with no unemployment.

They end up in debt and on the streets all because of this. How sad.

Sandra bits more people. Oh, god. Those people in those wrecked cars are fucked, too. They can’t afford to fix it and the city is lying and saying they’re not responsible. They lose their jobs and their house and end up homeless.

Screw the bomb. The lives of so many people are destroyed forever by Sandra Blindspot’s driving.

Hahaha. “It’s only cans not a baby.”

Even if that wasn’t the case, Reeves would lie and say it was.

And that lady just walked out into traffic. Just neglect on every leve.

Uh. I’ll avoid social commentary about this.

The bus gets a police escort. Hahahahahahahahahahahah

Hahaha. That teacher tried to get her students killed. Literally ignored a bud barreling towards them. That psycho should lose her job!!

Sandra has to take a hard one to get off onto he right road.

So they get on the unfinished freeway. Which. I’ve driven on that freeway. So today they wouldn’t even have this empty ass freeway to be on and traffic is worse.

Also. People would totally chase after that bus these days to post on YouTube

Also. Those passengers today would be live streaming and going “Thanks assgrabber938 for the $20 donation.”

Reeves hits on Sandra. Real smooth.

I think he’s hoping her fear will get confused as attraction to her rescuer. Reeves is 100% thinking five moves ahead to get laid.

Harry attacks the disabled.

A gaggle of LAPD come along to help. They’re not allowed to let any passengers off. He’s using the news helicopters to watch.

Man. If this happened today, the right would be claiming it was a POC behind it and then, once they find out he’s right, would blame the POC bud passengers for instigating it. Then they’d do a piece on Hopper’s character to show he isn’t so bad. Then create a gofundme.

Then they’d bring him on to talk about economic anxiety and then become a host. By 2024, he’d be the Republican candidate. Hopper Helps America would be the slogan. Millions would vote for him.

Cameron says that the cops are there to help and every POC on the bus glares at his ass for his obvious white privilege blind spot. Holy shit that’s awesome.

Dennis calls Reeves and basically pulls a Jigsaw. “Let’s play a game.”

Reeves asks to let someone get off, but Hopper says “Nobody gets off.”

His stance explains his anger and why he lashes out. He’s an incel.

Dennis then gives in to Reeve’s charms and lets them get the driver off.

Holy shit. Reeves just gets a little racist as a Karen screams. Hahaha. The Karen is mad she has to stay, but the shot POC can leave. Yep. She’s a Karen.

The driver leaves and people celebrate. Karen whines. God damn Karen’s.

Haha. The Karen decides she’s going to leave the bus. Hopper blasts her ass. Uh. Yeah. She Boomered it up. She thought she could do what she wanted with no consequences.

Cameron whines. Others whine. Lots of whining.

Okay. This POC old woman in the background is just chilling. She’s awesome.

Reeves tries to seduce the crying Sandra.

Sandra is upset. She thought The bomb that got Karen was for the whole bud instead of the steps. Reeves rightly points out that it’s better the Karen went instead of everyone on the bus. The Karen would disagree. That’s why they’re Karen’s. They’re selfish dbags.

Reeves is really laying on the charm to get Sandra in bed.

Haha. They act surprised the freeway isn’t finished. Uh. A new freeway opening is a huge deal even today. Back in the 90s?? Biggest news of the day.

So they find out there is a gap in the freeway they have to jump like it’s GTA.

They speed up to jump the gap. Everyone is told to kiss their asses and brace for impact.

They land and celebrate. People clap like a plane just landed.

Reeves screams “Get off” after rubbing against Sandra.

They exit and go onto the airport. Way to endanger the lives of untold hundreds and literally cancel every flight.

Not only that but they’re going to have to redirect all flights that were going to land.

Reeves move has ruined the day and potentially the lives of thousands. What if someone was on the plane and had an organ? The recipient is fucked.

Reeves is a monster.

Reeves gets a congratulations call from Hopper. Hopper monologues it up and talks about how unique he is. Hopper is so god damn bitter. Dude could give Gen X pointers on hating life.

Hopper to Reeves. “You know that I’m on top of you.”

Reeves “everybody hold tight. I’m getting off for a minute.”

Reeves leaves them to die on the bud. Honestly. I’d do the same.

Reeves hangs on the outside of a car and chats with his boss.

Sandra tells people to stay behind the line. Jesus. Drives for like five minutes and already acting like a dbag.

Reeves gets on some kind of mover to get under the bus. Sandra better stay straight or he’s boned.

Pulse slowing action as we watch reeves try to disarm it after eye fucking Sandra.

Harry talks Reeves through the disarming. Pulse slowing action.

We find out Hopper is from Atlanta and he was a bombpop, too.

Reeves is being yanked out from underneath the bud before a bland action scene happens. I’m gonna go grab a drink.

Reeves gets back on the bus. Sandra talks shit.

Reeves immediately goes to try and seduce Sandra. Reeves reveals he broke the gas line. He basically Shapiros Sandra because she is pissed and not interested in him now.

Harry and his friends go to break into a mad bomber’s house with little disregard for boobytraps because they’re morons.

Harry gets blasted for his stupidity.

Reeves finds out Harry is proper fucked and Hopper taunts him.

Hopper had set this up and Reeves says he’s gonna Subzero Hopper’s spine.

More monologuing. It’s like I’m watching Shakespeare if Shakespeare was born in 1969 and wrote 90s action films.

There’s a drop point at Perishing. Hey. Perishing is named after General Perishing.

Reeves gets off the phone and does a total freak out. Like #freakout level.

Sandra calms him down and Reeves gets all mopey and goth.

Reeves tries one more time to seduce Sandra by talking about her college. He realizes he’s being too obvious, so he acts like he just realized that Hopper had a camera in there.

The camera is a CCTV with no audio.

I’m impressed at the steaming bitrate considering it’s not streaming.

Reeves tells everyone that there is a camera and to not move.

He then makes the news people do some loop broadcasting blah blah stuff.

Basically they’re gonna loop the scene over the CCTV so that Hopper thinks they’re still there. Basically a gif.

They’re running out of fuel. Maybe you shouldn’t have broken the gas line, idiot.

I legit doubt this bud could be taking those sharp turns going 50.

They’re going to get all the passengers off while Hopper watches a gif.

Of course the last person who might get off is the woman. Men. Let me tell ya.

The bud loses its tire and som…wait. How the fuck did the bus go that long after blowing a tire entering the airport. Man. This early 90s action film isn’t realistic.

But. Seriously. No way they stayed above 50.

They dig the steering to drive itself and Sandra had time to doubt things.

They go out in a metal thingy and slide without falling off. If this was Titanic Sandra would have demanded only she could be on it while Reeves died. Fuck you Rose you selfish slag.

Oh, god. You jerks are gonna make me@review Titanic one day.

Anyway. The bus collides into a plane and that’s millions in damages and I told delays for travel. The clean up, etc is gonna keep this airport shut down for days if not longer.

I’m not saying it would have been better if they’d stayed on the freeway and maybe got got, but way less lives would have been destroyed if it was just them. All I’m saying. This movie seems to think only Sandra and Reeves matter in the scheme of things.

How is there still so much left? The bus is gone.

Reeves tries to seduce Sandra as he lays on top@of her.

I…I think they’re dry humping.

Sandra seems to want that D. Most people understand this position when Reeves is involved.

Hopper demands his 2 dollars. They lie and tell him 30 minutes. The cops show up with the subtlety of a god damn bud explosion.

Reeves and Sandra go to the hot zone. That makes sense to endanger a civilian.

They watch and wait for the pick up. I should point out the room Hopper is staying at back then probably cost $39. Today? $300 a night.

Hopper realizes he’s watching a gif and freaks.

Hopper apparently has GPS on Sandra and kidnaps her dressed as a cop.

Damn. $7 for a shave. Not bad. Wish I could go in public and get a shave instead of being trapped in a house because of plague variants and assholes who refuse to listen to science and get vaccinated. 90s America would have got vaccinated. That was before the right fucked us over

Reeves realizes that the money has already been taken. Reeves almost gets Meet Joe Blacked.

He realizes that Hopper had cut a hole in the ground below the trash bin.

Reeves runs into the tunnel and does a pop quiz on Sandra.

He realizes she’s strapped with boom booms. Sandra apologizes for being a victim. Uh. That’s sad and unhealthy.

Reeves tries to keep Hopper from taking his potential bangmate.

Oh, god. Hopper monologues about bombs and shit. Dude would definitely do well on right wing social media.

More pulse slowing chase action.

Now they’re on a subway. Hopper wants to screw with every form of transportation today.

Reeves runs after a train and somehow catches up. It makes no sense.

Reeves forces his way into the train just before becoming wall jam.

Hopper has Sandra help him before he loves his dream as subway conductor.

Hopper is…

Did they seriously not check to see if there was a body at the beginning????????????!!!

Jack climbs to the top of the train. Hopper detonates the paint thingy in the money. So now he has no money so oh god I’m bored. I’m gonna go grab a drink.

Hopper just doesn’t go to the nth degree with this performance. Busey should have been the madman. He would have bitten Reeves’ ear and probably crapped into the money bag.

So air friction doesn’t exist on top of a subway.

Hopper mo ologies and then takes a red light to the face. That was actually co…oh come on. That was the worst post-villain death joke ever.

Okay. Your next pun was better.

Right. So Hopper is dead. Reeves takes off the bomb and…

Oh come on. So the freeway wasn’t finished and now the subway isn’t finished??

It’s almost like LA’s public transportation system is awf…huh. This checks out.

Hahaha. Now they can’t stop the train. They’re gonna jump. If you jumped at speed would turn them into ramen.

Hahaha. And Sandra is handcuffed to the pole. Reeves is trying to free her. He tries to kick it.

More pulse slowing action. I’m gonna go piss.

Hahaha. Reeves is gonna speed up the train and then derail it. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Reeves comforts Sandra in one last attempt to get laid before they die.

So we see workers working on the rest of the train line. They are so fucked. Reeves has already destroyed lives. Do you think yours matter to him when it means he might get laid?????

They destroy untold millions in progress.

The train jumps out of the unfinished train stop and grinds along Hollywood Boulevard and stops in front of Grauman’s. This train accident won’t even be the weirdest thing people in 90s Hollywood would see that day let alone ever.

The train barely dings a van. The van driver says. “I can’t believe he hit my van.”

A runaway train. This dude definitely lives in LA.

Inside Reeves has climaxed.

Sandra thanks him for not leaving.

Somehow her arms weren’t ripped out of their sockets. Like. They’re fine.

People take photos.

Reeves throws Sandra’s words back at her. Sandra points out their relationship is going to be purely physical. People take more photos. This is realistic.

Well. That was Speed. It was…ok.

Hopper didn’t crank it to 11 and the action was fine.

Thanks for having me review this instead of Patrick Swayze ripping out throats.