Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Okay. Some of you people are a bit to into people losing their head.

So I’m going to review Highlander. An 80s film of complete awesomeness. I mean Queen did the soundtrack for Pete’s sake.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1414419454079823873

It stars Christopher Raiden and Sean Bond and one of the most underrated bad guy actors ever (Clancy Brown).

We get intro text about how the highlanders will fight until only a dozen are left. Or. I think that’s what he said. Dude is in a closet doing voiceover work that reverberates like screaming in a cave.

Queen plays and it is the best thing ever.

We cut to a wrestling match. Uh. That dude is doing a sexy disrobing to a family audience.

We get an aerial shot inside that sounds like a jet is flying.

Highlander looks pissed to be in the audience. Maybe he thought it was going to be Greco Roman wrestling.

Highlander fantasizes about LARPing.

He then leaves the match early because he has to go meet with Deep Throat in a parking lot.

Highlander eye fucks the shadows

He walks up looking like Castile. Can’t believe he stole that look. Oh shit. That dude just hot fuzzed his entrance.

They fight. Well. I should say they sword fight. Uh. I mean these guys have bad hundreds of years of practice and still sorta suck at it.

His opponent decides to be a dick to the maintenance crew and sc…did he just do a backflip?

Also. They decide to flood the parking lot with the sprinklers to give it that Bladerubner aesthetic.

Holy shit that dude is doing acrobatics. He should have stuck…wtf is going on. Is the circus in town?

They play hide and seek as Highlander tries to get his lost sword.

I’m just gonna put this out there. I would have a metal collar around my neck at all times to stop the ole head to bye bye

Highlander wins and then the spirits from Ghost appear to give him static electricity.

Highlander climaxes as the cars and hoses around him celebrate it.

Heh. I bet it’s called the Quickening because these guys don’t last too long if ya know what I mea.

Highlander runs away after ditching his sword.

Oh god. We cut to Scottish festival in Scotland. I love the Caber toss. I also hope they have proper food vendors.

Oh. Uh. I guess this is a flashback to 1536. Luckily that preacher expos that and the clan.

They’re off to@go stabby stabby.

Highlander’s wife pushes her religious beliefs as Highlander’s friends make sexual jokes. Awkward as all hell.

We get a good ole highland scrap. Then:

Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening me
Galileo, Galileo
Galileo, Galileo
Galileo, Figaro - magnificoo

The Kurgan (Clancy) tells the rival clan’s chief that Highlander is his.

They Braveheart charge while tubes blast.

Highlander goes around yelling his clan name. I think he wants to do a YouTube collab, but the other clan is avoiding him. Hahaha. That priest just ganked someone.

Highlander is confused why no one attacks him as the Kurgan attacks. Highlander gets got instantly, but his buddies jump in to stop the final blow.

Highlander lays on the ground in pain. We cut to the modern world with Highlander speeding away in a sweet ass car. He gets arrested by the cops.

Dude is accused of horrendous crimes and isn’t complying, but his privilege protects him from getting glacked even after punching a cop.

We transition back to Scotland with bagpipes playing a sad sad song. Everrryyyyy rose has its thorns.

A priest is trying to show off by speaking Latin. Oh. It’s his last rites.

Highlander is wasting away why his wife cries and his friend tells her to suck it up.

Ya know. I looked the same way he did when I ate Taco Bell the other day. Thought I was gonna die, too.

We cut back to the crime scene being investigated.

Lots of anarchy and screaming and blah blah blah.

We meet Brenda. She’s a forensic expert who is also an expert on swords and metals and metal swords and sword metals. She finds a cool as sword on the ground and expositions for us.

We find out this sword is worth a million and she claims any antique dealer on some@street would know that. I doubt it. Maybe Antiques Roadshow.

Highlander gets grilled by the cops. Well. Not really grilled. Slightly annoyed. Also. They talk shit about Highlander talking “funny.”

Oh, god. Homophobia. Ugh.

Highlander lays into the cop. Highlander is definitely our hero.

Highlander walks out after telling the cops go pound sand.

The Kurgan is driving around being all awesome. Just so cool.

The Kurgan rents a room and pulls@out a wad of cash. He’s so cool.

He goes into his room and shows off his kick ass sword. Just so cool. The dude has one that he can disassemble into a suitcase for easy travel.

We find out it’s the gathering as a lady of the night comes to his room.

We get some forensic stuff.

Brenda goes back to the crime scene and uses a metal@detector to find shards from the sword. I have a feeling that whole@column would have rebar in it, so no idea how that works.

She hears noises and runs away.

She goes into a bar. I like Brenda.

Highlander comes in after spotting a hot girl getting drunk. Some stuff happens blah blah. Highlander creeps her out slightly.

I mean he sounds like a stalker and wants to walk her home. Uh. She rightly leaves.

Over 450 years of life and he still got no game.

Highlander goes to pick another fight as Brenda turns the table and stalks him. Highlander co…THE KURGAN!

He starts to duel Highlander. Brenda tosses him a sword as they run and fight.

The Kurgan says the tagline again as a cop helicopter interrupts them. The Kurgan leaves.

Highlander tells Brenda to step off.

We go back to Scotland to a Trump rally. They claim Highlander is evil because he got better. His clansmen and his wife claim he’s working for Satan. Yep. They’re Trumpers.

With no evidence they condemn him as@evil even though the Highlander is good. They try to murder him as a mob. God. They really are Trumpers.

He’s saved by his friend as his wife demands his death. Women. Right? Haha. I have such wit.

Anyway. They exile Highlander. His wife screams as if she’s at a rally.

I think I hear “Lock her up” for a minute.

Highlander escapes into the highlands.

We transition back to 80s NYC. I bet that place he’s at is cheap then and a billion now.

Highlander goes into his place. This was before the internet so he had to find ways to entertain himself. But then he was from a time when a stick was considered peak entertainment.

Back to Scotland where Highlander is a blacksmith with a hot, new wife. One who doesn’t want to kill him.

Highlander gets interrupted by Sean Bond. He’s a Spanish Egyptian with a Scottish accent.

He’s a fellow immortal who gives us exposition as Highlander has cramps and then is a dick to his wife.

Lightning strikes Highlander. And. The cuts there were weird.

Back to NYC.

Highlander sharpens his sword and flashes back yet again. This time Connery is singing to him to help him get balance. He’s using the karate kid technic of balancing in a boat. They then talk about haggis. Mike Myers’ dad comes in to talk about his son’s huge head.

Highlander finds out he can’t drown when he falls in the water. He also finds out he can talk under water.

Highlander is aquaman

Highlander Jason Vorhees his way out of the lake.

He tries to sneak attack Connery, but Connery has Jason’s teleportation powers.

Highlander finds out he is immortal again. Then he whines about hating Connery.

Highlander asks why they’re immortal. Connery asks a philosophical question about the mysteries of life.

Just glad he didn’t explain it with something stupid like alien planets or midichlorians. God damn phantom menace is stupid.

We get a flashback in a flashback. Awesome.

We find out about the gathering. The immortals must all go get NY style pizza and fight.

We get a sweet medieval training montage.

We also find out that losing their head is the only way to not become the only one.

We also find out that there is no fighting on holy land.

And that immortals can communicate with animals. Kinda.

Okay. Are we sure this isn’t an aquaman movie? Like they rewrote it because that animal stuff doesn’t come up again if I remember correctly.

We get a Rocky montage before they leap into the lake like it’s a Boomer childhood movie. Ya know. Where they talk about how great it was to be a kid whose parents neglected them.

We transition to the woods where the evil dead move forward to watch them duel.

Ya know. Connery is a good dude. He could have iced Highlander but didn’t. My guess because of people like the Kurgan.

We cut to another Scottish festival. A legit one this time.

Oh. Then we find out immortals shoot blanks.

Wait. So they’re immortal, can’t get sick, get to fight, can talk to animals, and can’t knock up anyone?

I’m jealous.

We find out that Connery was born in like 1000BC.

He tells Connery to hit it and quit it because relationships only hurt because they always outlive their loved ones.

We find out that the cramps are from being around other immortals. And, hey, Connery tells me I’m right behind what I said his motives were about.

Uh. Do they have immortal GPS?

We find out that the Kurgan came from a jacked up culture and, if he wins, eternal darkness will@come to humanity.

Connery chats with Highlander’s wife as Highlander is gone. Then there is a tapping at their chamber door. It’s it a crow. It’s a Kurgan.

Raven. Not crow.

The kurgan comes in and starts wrecking shit. He wants to know where the Highlander is.

They fight and the Kurgan gets his neck shaved, but it’s not a head lop.

They fight like a Shakespearean play.

The Kurgan takes a spill before going back at it. Epic ness happens as they battle.

Uh. We kinda know the Kurgan wins because we have seen the future.

Connery shoved it deep into the Kurgan. The Kurgan gets pissed and shoves it deeper into Connery from behind.

Then Connery spits in the Kurgan’s face before the Kurgan takes head from Connery. Errr.

The Quickening happens.

Then. Uh. The Kurgan and the wife…uhhhh.

Back to NYC!!!

Brenda shows up at Highlander’s business.

She drills him and Highlander asks if she cooks. Uh huh.

Highlander talks to his secretary Rachel and we get a transition to WW2 I believe.

Highlander meets a young girl named Rachel. Ohhhhh. The little girl was forced to be his secretary. That’s what happens when an immortal saves you.

Highlander kills a Nazi. Awesome.

Though. This brings up a shit ton of questions. I mean I guess they couldn’t go full bore just in case a tank blasted them to bits, but wouldn’t people notice several dozen men didn’t go down from battlefield wounds?

Were…were there Nazi immortals? Oh, god. Did the Kurgan…

Back@to NYC where Rachel talks about love and loneliness. Ya know when this was made WW2 wasn’t that far in the past. Crazy. Uh. Hmm.

Brenda let’s a guy she suspects might be a killer into her apartment after cooking dinner. Uh. I get that you’re recording it, but that won’t stop a maniac. I mean the dude dueled a freaking Kurgan.

Highlander finds her gun and the recorder and spots her police friend staking it out.

Highlander has no fucks to give.

Highlander shows off about the brandy. 1783. Hey. Mozart is talked about. Balloons. All kinds of stuff.

I wonder if we’ll get a flashback.

Haha. Highlander gives her a gift. One of Brenda’s books they had her bio as forensics.

Man. Highlander is sharp. If I was 400 years old, I’d just be sitting on the couch eating tacos.

Brenda is excited because the samurai sword is too ancient to make sense.

Highlander uses that charm to talk shit.

Then he hallucinates Connery talks to him.

Then we get a sweet ass song as we go back to Scotland. Man. Queen is awesome.

The song asks who wants to live forever. Uh. Me.

We see Highlander’s life as his wife gets old and he “stays the same age.”

Highlander’s wife is real old, but you know he’s still hitting that.

She asks him why he stayed. He says he loves her. I think it’s because he has a kink for older women.

She then asks him to light a candle every year on her birthday. Dude has to remember this like 300 years later without a phone calendar to remind him. Just saying.

She dies and we come back to NYC. We meet Kastagir. He’s a cool as hell immortal.

Kastagir is the best. He likes to drink and chill.

We transition back to 1783. Haha. I love this part.

Highlander is smashed out of his skull and getting in a duel.

Highlander is so hammered. Then dude keeps stabbing him and then leaving.

Highlander goes all black knight on him. It’s amazing. One of the best scenes.

Hahaha. Hawkins was not immortal.

The Kurgan comes in like the Terminator. So damn cool.

He then puts the hotel front desk guy in his place.

We then cut to@some@dude driving who stumbles across a duel between Kurgan and Kastagir.

The dude has a gun and thinks he can be a good guy with a gun. That goes as well as you’d expect.

Kastagir gets got and the dude unloads on the Kurgan. The Kurgan shows him what for.

Haha. The Kurgan is such a crazy ass character.

The quickening waits for the Kurgan to finish playing around before it gives him more mojo.

People watch.

The Kurgan hijacks a car. “Mom!!”

I love the Kurgan. I mean he’s a monster, but Clancy is so good.

The police question the dude who the Kurgan shanked.

The dude goes on a rant about how the Kurgan shrugged it off.

The hot dog vendor lays into the cops. Awesome.

Brenda does research. We get more background.

We find out that Highlander steals identities and that Highlander is just inheriting his own estates. I mean. It’s smart.

If Highlander was around today, people would be posting the quickening and the duels and shit.

Highlander goes to light a candle for his long dead wife. There in the church the Kurgan talks mad shit.

The Kurgan commits minor blasphemy while looking like the coolest 80s movie punk ever.

The Kurgan just rocks in this scene. Taunts Highlander. Taunts nuns. Taunts everything.

People do what I’d do if I saw a crazy punk talking like that. Leave and pretend like they were never there.

The Kurgan points out they can’t fight on holy ground. Man. This whole scene is amazing. Lambert kills it, too.

Brenda confronts Highlander.

Highlander tells Brenda the truth and has her stab him. Weird kink, Highlander.

Ya know. Brenda is more willing to believe he’s immortal instead of doing a magic trick. Just saying.

Also. She instantly wants to bone him. I get this.

They go at it as orchestral Queen music plays.

The next day they’re all…that’s the Kurgan.

The Kurgan attacks Brenda. Uh. Okay. This aspect of him is not cool.

Brenda runs from the Kurgan but he catches her and plays chicken in he car.

The Kurgan is basically a bored teen who likes to do risky and dang…uh. I think he took out that bicyclist.

…

…

🎶Bicycle! Bicycle! I want to ride my bicycle🎶

The Kurgan leaves a voicemail@he had Brenda. Dude should have texted.

Highlander leaves his money to Rachel. He’s gonna jump to another identity

So they meet for a final duel. The visuals are incredible.

Like this is how you do a climax fight. Not 40 minutes over lava or hordes of faceless enemies.

They start their battle and it’s a solid fight.

The Kurgan fights until he has the advantage and before he can strike, Brenda distracts him.

Some more@awesome fighting happens. Like very solid. Great visuals.

The Highlander defeats the Kurgan and he is the last immortal. The quickening makes sure a window maker just made a ton of cash to replace all these blasted windows.

His prize is basically getting hammered by information and creatures and shit. Like. Weird ass prize.

They travel to Scotland and we find out that the prize is telepathy and being able to get old and have kids.

Uh. This prize sucks. I’d rather just live forever.

Connery gives a monologue and Highlander bangs Brenda out on be cold moors.

The end.

Well. That was Highlander and it was fucking awesome. Connery and Lambert are great, but Clancy Brown 100% stole the movie.

Watch this film.