Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

What time is it? It's time to review #Twilight #NewMoon on #Netflix. #TwilightSaga #TwilightOnNetflix

*long sigh*

Yep. Let me just...

*shudders*

Let me just go get ready. I'm doing this sober again.

*puts balled hand to mouth trying to hold back tears*

Let's do this.

Before I start I just have to say this.

*longer sigh*

I make bad life choices and that’s what you’re here for.

So tell your friends because I’m doing this for an audience of like 4 fans and this guy who keeps sending me DMs saying “New Moon Can’t Melt Steel Beams.” I don’t know what that means, but…just.

*sobs*

Why would I do this yet again? WHY? WHY????? WHY?????????????????????????

I KNOW WHY! YOU ENJOY MY SUFFERING MY PAIN. YOU JUST SIT THERE AND JUST READ ME SPIRAL INTO MADNESS AS MY WILL TO LIVE SLIPS AWAY IN A MAELSTROM OF BAD WRITING AND HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIPS!!! I’M JUST YOUR PUPPET THERE TO DANCE FOR YOU YOUR MOVIE MACHINATIONS!!!

*coughs from crying*

I’m fine. I’m okay. It’s…it’s…ughhh.

I’m just delaying the inevitable.

I could have spent this time trying to lick my own elbow. That would have been a better use of my existence. Instead?

Instead I’m whining like a petulant child told they can’t have everything they want on twitter.

I mean I got more likes from a post I made about cheese. CHEESE FOR PETE’S SAKE!

Instead I…

Oh, god. I avoided these films for a reason. They’re as fun to consume as liquid hot magma.

I would rather cheese grate my own…

Why am I complaining. I’m the one doing this to myself. I’m the one who subjected himself to this.

I just need to suck it up, hit play, bit the leather strap I shoved into my mouth, sob, and get on with it.

So. Without delaying any farther with my in incessant bitching and moaning, I present Twilight: New Moon.

A film so great that it falls, when ranked, below watching gangrene consume your leg.

Oh. Right.

It stars that guy women creeped out at signings by claiming to be vampires and Plank. Good ole, Plank. You can do anything that doesn’t involve acting, talking, narrating, or not being consumed by termites.

It also has Taylor LotmoreAbs. #TeamJacob

Hey. Mind if I talk about actual New Moons. Like did you know, per Wikipedia, “The original meaning of the term 'new moon', which is still sometimes used in calendrical, non-astronomical contexts, is the first visible crescent of the Moon after conjunction with the Sun.”

Cool!!

Oh. I…I have to go suffer now…don’t I?

Man. I need a thesaurus for more ways to put “suffer” and “pain” and “agony” and “loss of will.”

No. Don’t send me links or anything. I don’t care about anything anymore. I have to watch New Moon. Nothing has meaning anymore.

I wonder if you lot would notice if I just faked this and just randomly pasted “And dumb things happened” for *checks* TWO HOURS AND EIGHTEEN MINUTES? Oh…oh

*vomits*

The Big Bang was a mistake. Look at what it led to!!!!

*breathes in deep*

LET’S DO THIS …I can’t even pretend to be strong enough to deal with this.

And, yes, I wrote this just before I hit play and posted it all at once. I had to do this before it was go time before my brain shut down and all I can scream are memories of a former life I may not have ever had.

Don’t cry for me…I’ll be doing that enough.

Also. Don't tell me I'm overdramatic. I know that already.

I also know I stared into the abyss and IT LOOKED BACK!

*burps*

Okay. I gotta grab something to eat to help keep down the bile.

I'll be right back.

Ya know. While Grabbing food I did some self-reflection and realized I’m like a yelling YouTuber who screams for no reason.

This series is turning me into that which I hate.

Now. I’ll ignore that realization and dive into New Moon and I’ll have a positive attitude!!!

Let’s go everyone. This is gonna be fun!!!

So right away we start off with a full moon that transitions to a new moon. Wow. This is a powerful statement!

Plank starts out saying:

“When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.”

Uh. I think that is a Abraham Maslow quote.

Plank is having a bad dream about her abuser meeting her grandmother.

Oh. Such a powerful scene!!

Oh. See the grandma is plank. See her nightmare is that Edward will let her grow old like he’s a Highlander.

Bella von Plank wakes up to her birthday. Her dad gives her gifts and says it’s crazy how old she’s getting.

Bella says it’s not that old. She should know. She’s dating a guy who was born BEFORE FLIGHT!

Bella is so bored with school. She mumbles to friends that she wants to take a photo.

They talk about Romeo and Juliet. I wish this had that plot.

Edward arrives and wishes her happy birthday.

Holy shit. Plank has a moment of realization. After Edward reminds her he is 109, she says maybe she shouldn’t date him because it’s disgusting. Uh. Yeah.

Of course she’s now 18 and that might be too old for Edward.

Jacob arrives. #teamjacob and he is rippppppeeeeddddddddd.

Jacob talks shit about Edward in front of him. Yeah. Go Jacob.

Jacob gives her a dreamcatcher.

It catches nightmares. How Edward isn’t immediately sucked into it is beyond me.

Edward whines and plank sulks.

I don’t know how, but this has less plot than the first. We’re drowning in high school drama.

Now a word from our sponsor: booze

If you were drinking it right now, this would be tolerable.

Edward is asked by his teacher to recite the last lines from Shakespeare scene.

Edward, having taken high school English for a hundred years, knows it.

We also find out there are royal vampires called the Voltori or…oh. Voltron. Voltron is the secret and powerful family of vampires.

See. Vampires have a rule. Don’t expose their existence or you get got.

We see a scene of Voltron assembling and offing someone.

Edward whines as plank asks to be turned into a bloodsucker.

We get more wacky vampire family doing parties for humans.

Edward’s brother says “Dating an older woman. Hot!”

Uh. Edward was around before sliced bread. Just because he looks young doesn’t make it so.

Bella cuts herself on a book and her blood hits the carpet. Jasper freaks out and tries to attack Bella for ruining the carpet!!!!!!!!!

Dr Collin stitches up a piece of plywood and is legitimately a good actor. Like. I would watch a movie about his origin. I bet he’d make an interesting character. He has conflict and emotions and ethics.

Bella is compress wood pulp.

We find out that Edward and the others fear their souls are damned. Edward won’t turn her because he’s afraid that he’ll condemn her soul to wood hell. It’s basically just a roaring forest fire.

Edward takes her back to her house driving her car?? Why is he driving? Is she just that “weak” in his eyes?

Bella whines that she’ll get old. Yeah, but redwoods can live for millennia.

Plank has a wish for a man who was born before television to kiss her.

Ick.

They cry. I thought it was me, but it wasn’t

She makes a Crappy Collin Collage. Then mopes because it’s a sunny day. Meanwhile Edward breaks into her room and goes through her stuff. Wtf.

Eddie asks his victim to walk in the woods. He tells her they’re leaving Forks. The locals are realizing that they’re way too old for the age he claims.

Plank is too stupid to get that she’s not coming. When she gets it into her head, she whines.

Haha Bella tries to make him take her. Then Edward does that thing you see in movies. Ya know where they yell at the dog or Bigfoot to make them go away. See. They’re animals and can’t understand letting them go live their better life.

Hahaha. Plank is that dumb!!

Edward does the last step in the DENNIS system and separates entirely.

Plank stumbles through the woods looking for the guy she loves. A guy born before McDonald’s was founded.

He’s left her like some jackass who drops an unwanted dog off in the woods but I have no sympathy in this scenario.

Either this movie has been black for 20 seconds or I’ve gone blind.

No. Wait. That’s Jacob carrying her. See. Bella left like a petulant child and got lost in the woods. Her father thought she was kidnapped or lost in the woods. He’s a good dad.

My Netflix suggestions are gonna get even worse after watching this series.

Okay. It wasn’t Jacob. It was some dude named Sam who saved her. Jacob and him exchange a glance.

Hahahahaha this is amazing.

We get a month to month transition of plank sitting in her room as the seasons change. Which isn’t the worst visual I’ve seen. It does imply she sits there like a…log for months. Never moving.

She gives more narration:

“You will find something more in woods than in books. Trees and stones will teach you that which you can never learn from masters.”
Saint Berna

Uh. Bella is now on Trainspotting. Like full on withdrawal symptoms. I…I think Edward was her smack dealer.

Her dad wants to send her to Florida so she can build a bridge and move on.

Hey, people. High school romances that end aren’t the end of the world. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

The pain you feel is temporary. Don’t ruin your life over it.

Bella is hanging with friends.

She sees a group of guys. Like the ones who attacked her last movie. She the. Hallucinates Edward’s disembodied head telling her to avoid those guys.

Ya know. When I get stressed or afraid, I piss myself and scream. I don’t hallucinate an undead head speaking.

Plank goes towards those creeps. Eddie’s head appears to tell her to leave.

Turns out fear makes Eddie appear to scold her.

Bella gets on the back of some creep’s bike. He drives off. She then makes him stop.

This…this is weird and self destructive and just NO! This isn’t romantic. This is teaching teens bad ideas.

Bella narrates more about how danger makes her see Eddie. Her exact words are:

“He who works with his hands is a laborer. He who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman. He who works with his hands and his head and his heart is an artist.”
St. Francis of Assissi

Plank goes over to Jacob’s place.

#TeamJacob

Bella brought him a motorcycle for him to fix. Bella is going to use Jacob’s crush and friendship to rebuild a motorcycle so she can endanger herself so she can see a head scold her. The head of a guy who was like 30 when Sean Connery was born.

Bella then shits all over Jacob’s music and turns it off. She then shits on him more as he fixes the bike. Like…wtf.

She Karens the shit out of Jacob. Wtf!!

Jacob’s friends come over and tease Jacob.

Uh. Jacob. Your friends suck and plank sucks. Find better people to hang with.

So Bella just sits there shitting on Jacob as he continues to work on the bikes. Like. She is awful.

Bella then dismisses Jacob’s friendship and says he isn’t good enough to keep her bad dreams away.

You’re the one who went cold turkey off crank.

Bella’s dad gives her some advice to not love someone who isn’t good for you. She should take this. She won’t because she is in love with a guy who existed before the electronic computer did.

Jacob tells Bella he likes her in a roundabout way.

You are too good for her!!

We then see some dude named Sam. I think the dude who saved Bella. Him and his “cult” are doing cliff diving.

Bella gets hot at the idea of dying. Seriously. You need help.

We also find out that some of Jacob’s friends are joining said Sam’s Club. Hehehe. That was a solid joke.

We now cut to a plank of wood getting on a motorcycle. Can I point out she has never thanked Jacob.

We not get more Edward hallucinations. If you are hallucinating about someone as you put your life at risk, seek help.

It turns out that Douglas fir sucks at driving a motorcycle and she goes ass over teakettle.

Jacob goes to help her. She apologizes for bleeding. Uh. You know that her relationship with Edward is bad when she apologizes for getting injured.

Jacob takes his shirt off and holy shit that dude is ripped. You could scrub clothes clean on those abs!!

Jacob gives first aid. Bella calls him beautiful. Yeah. Those abs are something else. Damnnnn.

We then hear her high school friends talk about seeing werewolves. Bella is the friend no one wants around because all they do is silk and create drama.

Fignewton tries to go out with Bella. She says sure. She is trying to lead on as many people as possible.

They’re gonna go see “FacePunch.” Yeah. Wish I did tha…

Oh. Plank can’t even talk about a movie title without sounding like talking is painful to her.

We’re then treated to a very awkward scene where Jacob and Fignewton try to flex on each other. Bella gets off on manipulating.

We hear audio from an action film that 100% sounds better than any of the dialogue in this trash heap

FigNewton goes to puke while Bella and Jacob leave halfway into the movie. Jacob calls his ass out while Bella leads Jacob on more.

This love triangle is just a twisted triangle of abuse and toxicity. Wtf.

Jacob promises he wouldn’t hurt plank. He’ll put on sealant and oils and everything on her.

Jacob gets annoyed that Fignewton is trying to cockblock him. He gets hot to the touch and angry. Jacob leaves. Fignewton talks shit after he leaves.

Bella leaves Jacob a voicemail.

A craftsman knows in advance what the finished result will be, while the artist knows only what it will be when he has finished it.

W. H. Auden

Bella goes over to Jacob’s. She keeps calling him JKe.

She also points out he got his hair cut and a tattoo.

We also find out that Jacob joined Sam’s Club, too. He hates the Collins because they shop at Costco.

Jacob says he can’t spend time with her anymore.

Bella apologizes for hurting him, but she’ll change. Abuser language.

Jacob says it’s him not hurt and he’s no good.

Plank whines that he won’t be her lackey anymore.

Jacob tells her to go away. Plank whines

More plank narration:

“The life so short, the craft so long to learn.”

Hippocrates

She whines that she can’t manipulate Jacob anymore, so she goes back to the field of bland where they first planked beside each other.

Now we see Leron. One of the good bad vampires from the first movie.

He’s looking for the Collins. He knows they’re not there. Plank hallucinates Eddie telling L Ron that the Coll…I don’t care. Just eat the plank and end this series.

Victoria is the bad bad vampire from the last. Ghost Edward gives her advice, but plank sucks at pretending.

Leron is going to attack her. I wonder if a dude with awesome abs will save her.

Big wolves come out to play. Leron is granny and the wolves are hungry.

The above is better than anything written in those books.

The wolves chase off the vampire and I wish I had a chaser.

They fight and I fight down the food I ate.

Bella comes home drunk and screaming about big wolves. The sheriff’s buddy, Harry, is interested in this. Of course Harry knows they’re werewolves.

Bella thinks that the vampire won because she is a moron who believes in vampires but not werewolves.

Bella is woken up by someone throwing rocks at her door. She opens the window to see #TeamJacob being shirtless and ripped. He jumps up and goes inside.

I should point out that he at least wakes her before he goes into her room. Wayyy better than Edward.

We find out Jacob had a secret. I have a secret. I love these movies.

I’m kidding. I would rather chug a gallon of Tabasco sauce than watch this.

We get blah blah bleh bleh.

We find out that Jacob can’t ever quit Sam’s Club. Plank says she’ll run away with Jacob. Jacob says he would if he could. Or he was saying he’d wood wood if he could wood wood.

He tries to get Bella to remember a conversation they had so she can understand he’s a werewolf. Plank is too stupid to put two and two together.

Finally she gets it after hallucinating in a dream. Bella goes over to Jacob’s place and storms in. She learned from Edward.

Jacob is asleep and plank sees a group of ripped dudes walking up. She goes and Karens the shit out of them.

These guys are all part of Sam’s Club. Bella slaps one of them and then acts all surprised when the dude gets mad and turns into a massive wolf.

Bella runs away from the fight she started and Jacob…okay. Plank. Call him Jacob not Jacob. Geez. You’re so not on his team.

So Jacob hulks his clothes as he turns into a big wolf. Bella finally gets it. Literally has to see the transformation because she is a moron.

“Undead bloodsuckers makes sense, but werewolves??”

Bella narrates more:

“There are two men inside the artist, the poet and the craftsman. One is born a poet. One becomes a craftsman.”
Emile Zola

Part of Sam’s Club takes Bella over to Sam’s something or other.

Haha. I like this girl. She slams Plank and plank just goes “I know you are, but what am I!”

We then find out werewolves are telepathic with each other.

Bella says “You’re not the first monsters I’ve met.”

Okay. 1). They’re people and 2) We know that because you date and later marry one

Bella talks about werewolfness with Jacob. Turns out if vampires are around, it can trigger werewolfitus.

Okay. Then plank tells him to stop being a werewolf and that it’s wrong. What a judgmental see you next Tuesday. You love a creature that has admitted to killing humans!!

Bella is the worst!!!!!!!

She then judges Jacob and he tells her ass they’re killing vampires. Fucking plank cries that he isn’t powerful enough to stop them.

We also find out the werewolves are keeping Victoria from Bella. She is ungrateful, too!!

The werewolves then decide to watch over her. Bella then talks more shit about werewolves. Wow. I loathe her now.

Bella narrates more

“We don’t value craftsmanship anymore! All we value is ruthless efficiency, and I say we deny our own humanity that way!”
Bill Watterson, created Calvin and Hobbes

We get montages of Victoria attacking the search party and then getting got by a wolf and then matrixing and then I am bored by this nonsense.

See. The sheriff doesn’t get that vampire and werewolves and Bigfoot and the Jersey Devil and the moth man and lock ness and everything is real.

Leave it to Twilight to make a fight between a vampire and werewolves boring. Where is underworld when you need it?!

Bella is going to cliff dive so she can see Eddie Furlong hallucinations again.

People think this movie is good.

Bella dives and I wish I’d dive into an alcohol induced coma.

Bella gets knocked around by waves and begins to drown. This movie doesn’t have the balls to actually kill her.

Jacob saves her life. I bet she yells at him and calls him a loser after. She is the worst!!

This movie is a cautionary tale about the hell people put themselves through just because someone breaks up@with us.

Build a bridge and get over it. Don’t jump into a damn ocean.

Plank cuddles against Jacob. Just causing even more confusion for this dude.

Jacob then talks about how if he got mad at her, he could hurt her on accident.

Bloody hell the abuse and the abuse apologizing in this series is insane.

Jacob mentions he’s worried he’s gonna Eminem.

Plank is about to leave when Jacob smells a vampire. It’s one of the Collins. Jacob thinks it’s a trick.

Jacob tells Bella he can’t protect her because of the treaty. She doesn’t care because she cares about nothing except herself and her boyfriend.

Then the sister vampire is there because she saw Bella jump off the cliff. She thinks djrndnznznsnx

4;::;(;/

I don’t care.

The female vampire whines…wait. Bella just told her Jacob is a werewolf. Way to drop his secret you monster. God. You’re just awful.

The sister vampire insults Jacob. She’s awful, too.

#TeamJacob

Jacob wants to know if the others are coming back. Bella acts really god damn mean to Jacob. I mean just shits all over him for Jacob just protecting her.

Ugh. Bella and Edward are terrible people. Plank is 18 now. I can bash her for her terrible ways.

Bella has an intimate moment with Jacob and gets cockblocked by a phone call.

Jacob tells the person on the phone the sheriff is arranging a funeral.

That was Edward. He’s a moron.

Hahaha. Bella so tries to emote rage, but a plank of wood can’t. It’s hilarious to watch. Oh. And Edward thinks she’s dead so he’s gonna go to the Voltron to be offed.

Ya know, movie. Just because he talk about Romeo and Juliet at the beginning doesn’t excuse you ripping off its plot. Also. It makes your characters total morons that they just learned about it and can’t see it happening in front of them.

Bella is gonna go save Edward. Jacob tells her to not risk dying over a guy who told her to fuck off. Jacob. You are too good for her.

They fly to Italy to stop Edward from going to the Voltron.

Even this movie can make a secret vampire royal family boring.

Edward asks them to off him, but they think he’s too important for the plot to off. So without cause they won’t assemble to destroy him.

Bella and the sister race to stop Edward from exposing himself as a vampire in public. He’s going to wait until noon when the sun is at its highest.

Of course in the last movie he stepped into the sun on a cloud day and sparkled like a god damn sequined dress.

But plot convenience.

And, again, if someone saw a dude in Italy sparkle, they would just assume he’s covered in glitter or some shit. Not that he is a vampire.

Plank can’t even pretend to freak out.

Bella has to go alone. See. Edward can hear his sister’s thoughts and rush it. Bella, having no mind to read, will be invisible to him.

Bella attempts to run, but you ever see plywood run??

Oh, shit. It’s either a religious festival or a soccer game. Or, as he rest of he world calls it, kickykickyflipflip ball.

Bella stares as Edward moves forward to show off his sequins. She runs through a fountain that’s not anywhere near a wet blanket as she is.

Hahaha. Watching wood in slo mo is hilarious.

Edward is stopped by a battering ram and then seems to forget his lines.

They go back into the area out of the sun that is getting reflected sunlight. Though, of course, doesn’t make him sparkle.

Bella mumbles through as Edward looks like he hasn’t had smack in days.

He then tells plank he loves her. Of course she is too stupid to understand what that means.

Are…are we sure they didn’t drain Edward’s blood before they shot this scene? He’s mumbling.

The Voltron appear to take Edward and Bella. The sister comes in to start and Dakota Fanmail appears. She says she is there to see what’s taking so long. Uh. It’s been like a minute. What absolute bullshit.

They follow West Virginia Fanmail to the Voltron. They go see into the catacombs where you can see where they buried my ambition.

They get on an elevator and Bella rips a nasty fart. No one mentions it, but you can tell.

We find out that humans work for Voltron and they do it to be changed into vampires. Though, most are food. What a shitty pension plan.

Voltron comes up to rub on Edward.

Voltron’s power is holding your hand reveals all memories ever. Which sounds annoying. Like you grab someone’s hand and it’s them watching daytime tv and eating Arby’s. What a shit power.

Voltron then holds Bella’s hand and he sees nothing. Yeah, no shit. It’s not because you can’t read her memories. It’s that she retains nothing in that root of a head of hers.

They want to see if anyone else’s power works on plank. Edward tries to stop it, but Wyoming Fanning says “Pain.” Instantly Edward is forced to watch reruns of Big Bang Theory in his head. He screams in agony. I understand.

Oh, man. It’s the one where the nerdy guy made a reference to Lord of the Rings. Edward screams in pain.

Utah Fanning then stares at Bella, but nothing happens because you can’t cause mental anguish to plywood.

We find out the Voltron family thinks she’s a liability. They want to gank her, but Edward fight…no. Edward gets choke slammed.

He. Hahaha. It sounded like a wooly cushion. Hahaha

Woopy. Piss off autocorrect.

So Edward and some dude fight and I am so bored I wonder if I can lick my own eyelid. So far I can’t.

Hey. Did you know that pumpkins are a fruit?

Oh. And Edward gets dominated by this strong dude.

Bella screams for them to kill her. I’ve been saying that for almost 2 hours now. My neighbors are complaining.

Voltron is surprised and amazed that Bella would sacrifice herself for Edward. They obviously don’t understand that wood can’t fear anything.

The head Voltron dude is about to turn her when the sister says she has a vision she changes Bella from plywood to vampirewood.

Voltron grabs the sister’s hand and sees this is the way.

The head Voltron guy says. “Okay. Change her into a vampire. I want to see her powers. Also. I have to go watch Breaking Bad.”

We see a tour group going in and they get eaten. You know what makes people not sit up and take notice of vampires? EATING 30 TOURISTS!!!

We cut to Edward’s favorite pastime. Watching Bella sleep. Still creepy.

We then find out Bella finally gets that he left even while loving her, but he can’t get it through her cellulose brain the motivation. Edward bolts when her dad arrives.

Her dad shows he cares about her. Bella mumbles.

Then Edward reappears. He jokes that he isn’t breaking her dad’s rule that Edward can’t step through the front door. See. Edward broke into her room via the window.

A creep who loves loopholes. Great.

This thing won’t end. It’s like LOTR multiple endings.

Okay. So the leather strap I used to bite down on is all but bitten through.

Eww. A dude born before the Lone Ranger existed is making out with her.

Bella says she wants to be a vampire. She puts it to a vote like this is some god damn democracy of the damned.

Ya know, plank. You are the one who makes this choice, not others. Have some damn autonomy for fuck’s sake.

Edward whines that plank is going against his wishes.

Oh, my god. Another ending.

So Jacob appears in the middle of the street. Was he just standing there for hours until they drove down the street? #TeamJacob

Edward gets out to talk to Jacob. Plank blends into the trees around her in the forest.

Edward thanks Jacob for protecting Bella. He then tries to assert his dominance, but Jacob will have none of it.

We also find out that the vampire/werewolf treaty says they can’t bite a human. Bella screams as she detaches herself from he moss that was growing on her “What if I choose to be bit!”

Jacob tells her no. He tells her it’s a bad idea. I mean. It’s her decision, dude.

Though, he points out he has to fight her if she goes bloodsucker and breaks the treaty. Jacob just wants to protect her…but still her decision, dude.

Is it normal to taste metal after sobbing this much?

Bella then goes up to Jake and tells him she loves him. Why are you just the worst, Bella?!

She also says she’d choose Edward over Jacob. Way to friend zone the hot one.

Edward pushes Jacob and he goes all wolf. They’re about to fight when an Ent walks in between them. Wait. That is Bella. Never mind.

Are we sure the movie didn’t end and somehow the next one started because this won’t end.

Jacob leaves and plank whispers his name. Way to just cause drama ya compressed wood pulp.

Did Bella disappear? No. She’s center framed, but in a forest she is another tree.

They then negotiate how many years until he converts her. I have to negotiate with my liver about how much I can drink to forget this movie.

Edward also lays out a condition that she has to stay with him forever. Uhhhhhh. That is not cool.

Edward then proposes to a fallen tree. He looks really confused when he answer comes from behind him. Even he confuses plank in the woods.

So the final thing said after Edward asks her to marry him is a gasp.

Then it ends.

Now I gasp for joy.

Well. That was Twilight New Moon. It had more teen drama and more shirtless Jacob. It added Voltron and elevator farts to the mythos and the cliff hanger of whether a teen girl will marry her abuser who was born before Escalators were invented.

Fuck this movie.

@threadreaderapp unroll

Not Jake*