Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Holy crap. I just escaped this island called Isla Marsbar that's filled to the brim with #dinosaurs.

This was was insane. A raptor tried to eat my ass and not in a sexy way. In a "your ass is being digested by a dinosaur" way.

Anyway. Here's my tell of woe.
#jurassicpark

So the truth of the matter is I've ALWAYS loved dinosaurs.

Ever since I was a little kid, @Soundsaboutleft and I used to pretend to be dinosaurs.

I'd played a T-Rex and he'd pretend to be a magical dinosaur that stole your allowance and hogged the NES.

I can say that one of the biggest thrills I ever had back when was meeting my childhood hero. Dr. Sherman.

He was at a dig site and he'd found a new raptor. One that wasn't a bitch ass velociraptor. Those things are glorified turkeys with claws.

Naw. It was much cool.

Let me tell you, though, Dr. Sherman REALLY didn't like it when I stole his sandwich.

Dude pulled out a dinosaur claw and told me "I'm about to burn your ass down like you're Atlanta."

I didn't quite get it, but I ran my ass out of there.

If you haven't guessed it. I'm watching Jurassic Park. The original one. Not the trash sequels or the garbage soft reboots.

Those all suckkkkkkkkkkk.

"I trained raptors to follow me on a motorcycle, wear tweet jackets, and get into dance and song battles with the Megalodon."

It stars that dude, that woman, that old dude, that lawyer dude, that kid from Tremors, the other kid, and Jeff Goldblum.

It also has Newman and Samuel L Jackson.

Hell yeahh!

You know...this was a great idea to do after getting about an hour of sleep last night.

I can tell you that that Jurassic Park Theme gets my nips to a glass-cutting state.

I gotta do some nonsense and then I'm coming back to bring you DINO DNA IN YOUR FACEEEEEE!

@charmsblowpop @DuckieNinja @fecologist @kitindigo

We start with the smoke monster from Lost being crates up by that Omnicorp. They decided if they can’t have Delta City, they can have a dinosaur kill zone.

A bunch of underpaid workers who definitely aren’t being paid hazard pay, are trying to get a screaming forest whale into a horse trailer.

An English guy keeps screaming “Diplomatic Immunity” before being told he wasn’t in that movie.

One of the works gets got by an OSHA violation and falls down. He gets grabbed by the forest whale. Little know fact. They turn into flood lights when scared or about to feed.

The dude gets grabbed while this British?? Guy screams “Shooooootttttt heerrrrrrrrrrr” or maybe “Shooooooooottttttt the ball into the basket in the last second to make it more dramatic.”

We cut to Indiana Lawyer going down the Mississippi with Tom Sawyer.

The lawyer appears at a mine owned by Amber. He’s trying to nag the mine boss. I’ve seen that dude in other films.

Anyway. We find out the OSHA violatee’s family is suing and they’re going to bring on experts for insurance purposes.

I’d love to see the lawsuit “My husband was allowed to be turned into Raptor shit.”

They go through the mine as they see a gorgeous amber sample with an ancient lawyer in it. I mean blood sucking mosquito.

The lawyer talks about getting Dr Sherman. Lots of blah blah and we cut to the easiest dinosaur bones clean up dig ever. It’s like it’s not really a fossil!

This is Dr Sherman and Dr Satler? Dr Satellite it is.

They’re blowing up a fossil bed so they can see images in the dirt on a computer that had the processing power of a dorito.

They start looking at a cool raptor’s MRI or maybe it’s an ultrasound. Oh. Dr Sherman is having a baby raptor!

Dr Sherman talks about how it looks like a bird. Basically it’s the Sweet Dee of evolutionary history.

Honestly, the dude was right most like, but I heckled the shit out of him. Said he was a bird and a dumb face. Dr Sherman then described in serial killer detail what he was going to do to me. I shat myself.

Like. Dr Sherman 100% gets off on terrorizing this annoying kid. Wait. Whose kid is this brat?

Seriously. Why the fuck is he there????

Dr Sherman is basically Freddy Krueger with this kid.

Dr Satellite admonishes Dr Sherman “Hey. I want a kid one day. You keep murdering them and we’re gonna have to move.”

A helicopter swings by to destroy the rare dinosaur sample. It’s like it’s the Bone Wars all over again

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bone_Wars

Dr Sherman and Dr Satellite go inside their bang trailer and see Colonel Sanders stealing their shitty booze.

See. Sanders sells chicken and supports fossil digs.

He screams about mint juleps and Costs Rica islands. Isla Marsbar.

He screams about how he always spends tons of money and he has a big dick and his dick is huge and so huge it’s hard to carry all his money and his gargantuan dick around in his Kentucky Derby Finest Suit.

He wants them to come and sign off on his park.

He goes “Come to my mystery island. I swear there are no meat eating dinosaurs that’ll shit you out in the visitor’s center.”

He bribes them with money and then asks “Can I watch?”

We cut to some golfer getting out of his cab with a bowling ball. He goes through a market and sits down at a table with Newman.

Golfer is mad Newman uses his name. Newman laughs and says “People care about you about as much as they care about @Soundsaboutrig4’s reviews. Not at all. Loser.”

The Golfer had money. He wants to buy Dino DNA for his sexy dino chick onlyfans.

Newman will get 1.5 million plus a tape of Kramer at the Laugh Factory if he steals all the DNA.

He’s given shaving cream to shave the hairier dinosaurs.

Newman gets excited about shaving cream. What a weirdo.

They have a rendezvous for the next day for a boat. This is a good ole Saabbboootttaggggeeee and Corporate Espionnnagggeeee!!

We cut to the helicopter from that episode of The Simpsons where they go to Itchy and Scratchy Land.

Inside we see Dr Sherman and Dr Satellite as well as the sexiest man alive. Dr Goldblum.

Dr Sherman and Dr Goldblum locks eyes and passion sparks between them. Hottt.

Dr Goldblum is a chaotician. It means he believes in chaos. Which is just a fancy way of saying he likes nipple clamps and Cthulhu.

Dr Goldblum just fills that helicopter with sweetness.

The Colonel doesn’t like Dr Goldblum. He says “I bring a scientist, you bring the Pullout King.”

The harmonica swells as we get to Isla Marsbar. It’s magical!

They hit turbulence and immediately hey all freak and start to rub one out just in case they crash like the market in 1929.

They land beside a waterfall and I just realized the getting to this island means like 30 people at most can come there.

The Colonel gets out after getting off.

They get into jeeps and are driven through prison gates.

They’re electric and a guard goes “I hope we don’t lose power or we’d all die!”

The lawyer whines to Sanders. Sanders is smug that his minor security measures can stop fucking dinosaurs.

They stop and Dr Satellite complains about someone “shouldn’t be here.”

She’s talking about the lawyer. Dr Sherman is distracted by his inability to come up with a CSI one liner.

Yeeeeeeeeaaahhhhhh!!

We’re treated to more harmonica as brontosauruseseses strip….trees.

Dr Sherman screams “Do you know how easily I could crush the CSA with that fucking thing? Get fucked, Georgia!!”

They’re all impressed by bringing back dinosaurs. I’m not.

Bring back Firefly. Then I’ll be impressed.

The Colonel then brags about his Dinosaur racetrack. He conjures a mint julep from thin air.

De Sherman wants to know how they did it. The Colonel whispers in his ear “I’ll so you.”

Show, too.

They get to the visitor center and are immediately hammered by a worker to buy shit.

The Colonel babbles on about his poor security…errr. Miraculous defiance of divinity.

We’re given a shitty Star Tours knock off about cloning and multiplicity and shit.

We find out mosquitoes have always sucked and they have blood in amber.

Basically they suck out DNA from the rocks they got off…err mined.

Then they make the DNA have sex with a frog and that’s how you get dinosaurs.

They’re basically on a crappy ride. Also. These poor workers will constantly have weirdos watching them as they go by on the ride.

The Drs want to get off the ride, so they use their strength of feet to break the ride and get off

Hey. It’s BD Wong. Hell yeah!

They get into the lab and watching Johnny Five flipping eggs to make a dino omelette.

Colonel Sanders out of context. “Come on. Push. Very good. Come on. Come on!!”

A baby raptor breaks through the egg and it screams “I’m gonna open a door handle!”

We then find out all the dinosaurs are female. So dino scissoring only.

Dr Goldblum says they’re crazy that they think they can stop life. “Life finds a way to fuck a new generation into existence.”

Dr Sherman gets creeped out they breed Racist Raptors.

We cut to them feeding a cow to a raptor. Man. Can’t wait for P E TA’s response to that.

The raptors are piranhas and turn the cow into sloppy joes.

The Great Robert Hunter wants to wipe out the raptors. He describes how they can eat anyone. That they’re smart. Like. Smarter than most people since they take vaccines.

We find out that the lead female raptor is smart. Like the killer apes from Congo smart. But with less diamonds.

We cut to a lunch that looks like crappy wedding food.

The Colonel pushes his Dinosaur MLM bullshit

De Goldblum goes “You’re all arrogant and dbags and suck my ass. Also. Your chicken is shit!”

De Goldblum just hammers the Colonel and complains about capitalism and selling. It’s that scene from Say Anything basically.

The Colonel goes “If I had made condors instead of deadly dinosaurs, you’d say I wasn’t being a total dick.”

It should be pointed out that Dr Sherman and Satellite haven’t said a god damn thing so far.

Finally Dr Satellite backs Goldblum because he is a sexy man.

Tale*

Dr Sherman goes “Let’s burn Atlanta!!”

The Colonel then quotes Poltergeist.

They bring his grandkids. He goes “My daughter just got divorced and she told me to take care of the kids. I guess feeding them to dinosaurs is easier than garroting them.”

They then get into another crappy jeep ride. Again. Like 4 people per day.

Tremor’s girl is blown away by the crappy CD ROM

The redhead kid (Timmy) quotes Patton to Dr Sherman

“Dr Sherman, you magnificent bastard. I read your book!!”

The kid won’t shut the fuck up. Dr Satellite makes Dr Sherman stay in the jeep with the kids.

We then cut to the weather channel. Turns out the Colonel didn’t expect rain in the tropics.

Samuel L Jackson starts the ride and says “Does this jeep look like a bitch???”

They the. Go through the unnecessarily King Kong Gates.

The Colonel won’t stop god damn bragging about how much money he spent. “I got Cher to sit on my face. Spared no expense!!”

The tour they go on has no dinos and is disappointing like my life choices.

The Colonel starts to yell at Newman for sucking at coding. Newman whines about money.

Ugh. Just hire someone new.

Now he tour gets to more disappointment. Man. Turns out letting dinosaurs have free reign means they won’t stick around the fence for rich assholes to gawk at.

They lift up a goat to attract the TRex. Ewww. It’s gonna bang the goat??

Tremor girl whines about meat and says she’s vegetarian. Hahaha. You’re Vegan because you won’t stop talking about it.

Dr Goldblum emasculates Colonel Sanders because the park tour suckkkkssss.

Dr Goldblum then uses water and seduce Dr Satellite.

It’s a little weird they show Dr Goldblum and Dr Satellite bang in front of Dr Sherman.

After the cucking, they break out of the jeep and go look at a Fox News anchor in their natural environment.

We then see a triceratops sick as shit. It’s shitting and vomiting on everyone, especially Timmy.

Dr Sherman gets off on the animal dying. Like. He’s all smiles and dry humps it.

We find out that Dr Satellite has a poop fetish. She’s gonna dig in deep and just inhaled it.

We find out there’s a storm coming and they need to end the tour. But it was so exciting. They’ve seen a sick triceratops and a woman digging through shit.

Who wouldn’t pay for this??

Meanwhile Newman hacks the Gibson.

As the storm approaches, Dr Satellite demands to stay with the poop.

Meanwhile Newman is using his computer to talk to a boat captain. Ha. Like it’s possible to talk via a computer!!

Newman does a bad job of lying about snacks and having done work.

We cut to a jeep ride through the rain. We find out Dr Goldblum has lots of kids and ex wives.

He’s like a cool uncle who’ll steal your girlfriend.

We cut to Newman going into the DNA rooms as the various security systems go offline n

Newman sucks out the dino DNA and shoves it into a shaver. Weird.

Dr Goldblum asks Dr Sherman if it’s okay if he bangs Dr Satellite. It’s so hot that the ride breaks down and all the security fences with it.

Newman breaks out of Jurassic Park. Man. I bet he makes it to the boat instead of becoming dino poop.

Samuel L Jackson starts to check Newman’s computer as Newman go

*yawns*

Wake me when he gets poison spat on him.

Sammy Jackson tries to talk Alexa on the computer but

LOUD as fuck rain drops as Sherman checks on the others and comes back.

The annoying kids are annoying and that’s saying something when you’re in the car with the lawyer.

The kid uses the night vision goggles hoping to see dino boobs. I mean they’re all female. Giggity.

They hear loud sounds. Like me after eating Arby’s. Just a horrendous noise and a scream of pure anger and pain.

Also. Their water acts weird.

The kid doesn’t see boobs, but he does see the goat get proper fucked.

The Trex eats the gyro and this causes the lawyer to freak and run to the shitter.

The Trex breaks through the wall like the Kool Aid dude.

Dr Goldblum rightly says he was right that TRexs would break out and eat a lawyer

Tremors girl is apparently a moron and brings lots of attention to them with a flashlight. Bravo.

The TRex screams “Surprise Mother Fucker!!” and wrecks their shit.

Holy shit. These kids are superheroes. They have the strength to push away a TRex. A dinosaur that weights tens of thousands of pounds.

Dr Sherman gets out a flare and uses it to play fetch with the dinosaur. Dr Goldblum gets jealous at the funny and plays tag with the Dinosaur. The lawyer gets jealous and plays “Hide the lawyer”

Dr Sherman gets the kids o…Stop screaming, Tremor Girl!!

Also TIL dinosaurs can’t see static things and can’t smell.

The TRex plays with a top.

They escape by going far into the dinosaur territory. Makes sense.

Dr Sherman dodged a falling jeep while spelunking while being choked out. Weirrrddd.

We find out that Newman has fucked up everything. The Colonel has Hunter and Dr Satellite go looking for the kids.

We cut to Newman getting lost, wrecking, losing his shaving cream, getting poison spat on him, getting into his jeep, and getting proper fucked.

Bet you wish you’d just taken the money and run. Ehhhh, Newman??!!

Apparently Newman has worked for at least a year at a dinosaur park and learned nothing about dinosaurs.

Well. He’s learning all sorts of things now. Mostly pain and regret.

Dr Sherman goes to get:

Timmy is stuck in the jeep that’s stuck in a tree that’s stuck in the middle with youuuuu

Timmy is embarrassed he puked. Dude. We all puke after our first bender.

Man. This scene was cooler in Dark Knight Rises

They pull a Buster Keaton after they get on the ground and he car falls on them.

Dr Satellite and The Hunter go to the scene and look for survivors. They find Dr Goldblum. He’s sexy and sweaty and sarcastic and ready to fucking leave.

The TRex is coming back, so the puddles act like the glass of water De Goldblum is amazing.

He waves them onto the vehicle as the TRex comes up.

Dr Goldblum backseat drivers.

They get side swiped by a TRex and don’t even stop to swap insurance

Meanwhile Dr Sherman yells at the kids and tells them to build him a “god damn tree fort like in Ernest Scared Stupid!”

The dinosaurs start to yell and Dr Sherman says they’re singing. Uh. They sound like Yoko.

It’s times like these I’m reminded that sometimes humankind goes too far. Goes into realms never meant to be gone to.

Like a Doritos Locos Taco or New Jersey.

Dr Sherman says he’ll take the first watch and that bitch falls asleep immediately. He dreams of queen Mab and Mercutio screaming about her.

We cut to Dr Satellite having a late night meal of chicken. Colonel goes “Eat the fucking chicken or I turn you into dino poop. That’s gonna be our new slogan. Suck it down or get shitted out!!”

The Colonel talks about his boring ass past. Something about Fleas on Parade. Quit it now.

Dr Satellite makes fun of him and says his dreams are dumb and to give up.

Dr Satellite crashed into me and Dave Matthews my hopes and dreams.

She whines about something. Who cares.

We cut to the next day and RUN! That brachiosaurus is gonna eat your face!

They feed the dinosaurs and get laid back by getting sneezed on. Congrats. You have Dino-AIDS.

Man. These kids are having a shitty we…uh. The girl claims she’s a hacker. You’re dngrnznnnnn

We then see dino eggs in the wild. Dr Sherman realizes that he’s a reich wing radio host and says “ the frog DNA turned the dinosaurs gay!”

We then find out that everyone there sucks at computers, so the Colonel suggests to turn it off and on again.

Apparently this place is RAM memoried because a reboot resets everything to factory settings.

So it works, but they need to flip the breakers. Samuel L Jackson will go off and be eaten while the others stay back and hope their ncndndnjdnd

I forgot about this. There’s like a herd of dinosaurs called ginamyasses.

Also. Tremors girl doesn’t know what a vegetarian is even though she called herself one. What a marroooon.

The TRex comes out and eats gina. Dr Sherman and Timmy are memorized by the gina eating.

We cut back to Dr Satellite saying everything is wrong and the Colonel trying to justify his fuck ups by comparing himself to Disney.

Hunter arms himself with pew pews as The Colonel talks them thru it while being sexist and Goldblum exudes sex.

We follow Dr Satellite on her journey to

Satellite in my eyes
Like a diamond in the sky
How I wonder
Satellite strung from the moon
And the world your balloon
Peeping tom for the mother station

Winter's cold, spring races
And the calm away by the storm is chasing
Everything good needs replacing
Look up, look down all around, hey satellite

Satellite, headlines read
Someone's secrets you've seen
Eyes and ears have been
Satellite dish in my yard
Tell me more, tell me more
Who's the king of your satellite castle?

Did I mention I haven’t slept??

The Raptor Cage is opened and we see their prints go into the woods they go into the wood and woods into raptor cheese on my face!!

Hunter realizes he’s now the Huntee.

Apparently he doesn’t know that raptors hunt in packs. Hasn’t he ever watched Jurassic Park???

Satellite calls for Samuel. We hear, faintly,

“Ezekiel 25:17. ‘The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.’”

We cut to an electric fence and Sherman and his troops. They need to break on through to the other side. Sherman takes this as an opportunity to troll the kids. The traumatized kids. Who watches people die. What a dick.

As the Satellite goes to a dead end, Goldblum has to correct his shitty directions.

We then see the kids climbing over the fence.

We cut back to Satellite pumping and grunting to get Jurassic Park going.

We cut between power pumping and kids trying not to get juiced.

Timmy makes a grave error:

The raptors have dramatic timing and are pissed they turned the power on.

Samuel L Jackson gives her a…hand hshshshsbshsbsebdjvbxdnnrjjnzjj

I should sleep.

Satellite runs away and cries like a baboon laughs. Weird.

Meanwhile. The Huntee realizes female Raptors can be smart, too.

We cut to Sherman trying to save Tim. He screams “I will burn you like Atlanta!!”

Timmy wakes up.

They finally arrive at the visitor center and the cashier screams “Buy some fucking merchandise!!!!”

Tim and Tremors girl go and raid food.

Satellite sees Sherman and tells him “Run, bitch. Run!!!”

The kids are eating when Tremors girl realizes she doesn’t have room for Jello…or the Raptors that just appeared. They run into the kitchen saying “Raptors can’t open doors!!”

Raptors, apparently, can open doors. My god. They have the intelligence and dexterity of a four year old!!

They also communicate with coughs. They’re all heavy smokers.

The kids play hide and go fuck yourself, Raptors.

Oh. Shit. LOTR got ripped@off by this movie

The Raptors start bitching about their risotto being cold.

Gordon Ramsay comes out and calls them pathetic. He even says “I gave the TRex a recipe for Raptor Risotto. How the tables have turned, you donkey!”

A raptor goes ice skating into a kitchen closet.

The kids escape and they all come together to talk about Unix.

The Raptors try to open the door into the control room, but Sherman holds the knob. He starts jerking it harrddddd.

Alexa. Play uplifting orchestral music. Uh. No. Not that one. It sucks.

Dr Sherman calls the Colonel and says the phones work. The raptors break in and they run.

Meanwhile, the smartest Raptor picks up the phone and says “Hello, Colonel. Let’s play a game. I have your grandkids. It’s time to find out what you love more. Then or sparing no expense.”

Sherman and friends escape up a ladder and the raptor gets pissed he knocks it over. It yells “Hey. This is a ladder match. Get back down here!!”

More raptor chasing and more me wishing I’d slept.

They get to the main area of the Visitor Center. The Cashier has a gun and threatens Sherman and friends and the Raptors if they don’t buy anything. They all buy stuff. Well. The Raptors don’t and they TRex comes in to proper fuck them.

The TRex eats Ramsay’s Raw Raptor Risotto and the humans run away.

Outside, Colonel Sanders pulls up in a jeep and says “Come with me if you want to live!”

The TRex screams in triumph and says “Fuck Yo’ couch!”

They get into the helicopter and it’s awkward as fuck. I mean. What do you say “Man. Wasn’t that exciting watching all those people being eaten by abominations in the eyes of god???”

We then cut to some pelicans flying and Dr Sherman screams “Dinosaurs are birds, assholes!!”

The helicopter flies away.

Colonel says “Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning.”

Dr Goldblum tells him to shut the fuck up.

Well. That was Jurassic Park and it’s a pretty damn good movie.

When it came out the CGI and practical effects were amazing. They still look pretty good.

The highlight of this movie is Goldblum and his sweet, sweet chaos chest.

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