Thread by @erinscafe

Someday I will tell you the story of the day I had today, and it will be the greatest twitter story I have ever told.

Someday.

I feel like I should just have another beer and tell it now.

This story starts with my dog taking a shit on the bathroom floor, and ends with me cleaning out a meth house.

Hold up, I need a beer.

Okay. Let’s do this.

So about a week ago, Dwight took a shit on the bathroom floor. It was my fault; I was gone a lot longer than I’d expected. So when I walked in the house and smelled it, I thought yeah, okay. Harsh but fair.

So I walk into the bathroom to clean it up, and look down and...there is a footprint in the dog shit.

Adam was at work the whole time.

I hadn’t stepped into the bathroom, but I checked my shoes because...what.

It was not my footprint.

You guys. I was shook.

A ghost stepped in dog shit in my bathroom and did not even clean it up.

I KNOW, IT GETS WORSE

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We live in a little compound with four units, and we’re good friends with the people in two of them. The third was rented out for just this month to a very strange couple with an adorable husky puppy.

So I ask the friends.

“Um, hey, did anyone come in our house this afternoon and go in our bathroom and step in dog shit and then leave?”

...

No. Not the friends.

At this point I feel like it’s even odds ghost/weird neighbors. Nothing is missing, so I clean up the shit and start locking my doors.

Fast forward to today. I’ve been locking my doors and closing windows because the neighbors are creepy. I lock up, and head out to my car so I can pick up the kids I babysit from school. I’m parked in the alley out back, which is super convenient.

Usually.

Today, however, the end of the alley is blocked off by at least four unmarked police cars. There are a dozen cops. I can kind of see someone handcuffed on the ground. Lots of plainclothes cops. Shit is going down.

It’s a dead-end alley. I’m blocked in. I figure I need to ask them if they can move the arrest over a few feet. Nbd. I set my car keys, phone, and wallet down on the seat of the car. And then, distracted af, I hit the lock button.

And close the door.

You guys.

Have you ever locked your whole life in a car in the middle of a police raid.

I do not recommend it.

I froze. Like a deer in the headlights. And I literally looked up at the sky and said...wait what happens now.

Let me tell you what happens. I immediately start trying to break into my car through the window that’s cracked open.

And then I realize there are like A DOZEN COPS AT THE END OF THE ALLEY.

And I do not have time to be arrested for breaking into my own car.

So I think, okay, I’ll just go use the computer to...email someone. For help.

But I locked my doors because of the creepy neighbors.

I swear to god, I start walking around the compound kind of flapping my arms going “think, think, think.”

I try the neighbors. Even the creepy neighbors. Not home.

But one of my friends left a door unlocked. I go in, because it’s not breaking and entering if it’s an emergency.

I immediately realize this is 2018 and they don’t have a landline or a desktop computer.

I steal a Diet Coke from their fridge because now’s as good a time as any to fall off the wagon.

I run back to the alley, drinking the Diet Coke and chanting think think think and I see there are even more cops.

I run back through the compound out the front.

And then I realize my only option is to go to the closet business and use their phone.

I run to mf Baskin Robbins.

As I run, I pass the end of the alley from the other side. And I realize the cop cars are all centered around an SUV with a husky puppy in the back. And I think, hey that dog looks fam- OH MY FUCKING GOD.

MY CREEPY NEIGHBORS ARE BEING ARRESTED IN SOME MAJOR STING OPERATION AND IT’S NOT EVEN MY MAIN PROBLEM BECAUSE SCHOOL IS ABOUT TO LET OUT AND I HAVE NO PHONE.

I see them, my creepy neighbors, cuffed on the sidewalk. And I think, omg I should call my friends and tell th- NO ERIN, THINK, YOU HAVE NO PHONE, GO TO BASKIN-ROBBINS.

So I run into Baskin-Robbins, and I was maybe a bit hysterical at this point because I kind of yelled HELLO YES CAN I USE YOUR PHONE TO CALL THE SCHOOL MY NEIGHBORS ARE BEING ARRESTED.

The very nice employee asked me if I wanted to maybe sit down. And she handed me a phone. Like, a cordless phone. And I swear to god, I looked at it and thought BUT HOW DO I FIND THE PHONE NUMBERS.

I looked at her and said “do you have a phone book” and she said “a what” and I just started laughing hysterically because there’s nothing like being reminded you’re getting old in the middle of a crisis at the Baskin Robbins.

I finally calm down. She looks up the school’s number for me. I call to let them know I’ll be there as soon as I can. I call AAA. They tell me the locksmith will call when he arrives. I tell them okay, but this is Baskin Robbins so they won’t care.

I go back to my house. My creepy neighbors are still being arrested. Animal Control has arrived for that sweet puppy. I go sit on my porch and finish my Diet Coke.

The AAA guy shows up. I tell him to park in my driveway, the car’s out back. And he says “well how can I tow it if it’s in the back.” And I’m like “uh, you don’t, I just need you to unlock it.” And he’s like “I’m here to tow.” And I’m like “no you aren’t goddammit”

And then I realize. “Wait did the police call you?” And he said yeah, Glendale PD. And I was like omfg you’re here to impound my neighbor’s car, ugh, go to the alley and look for all the cops.

I go back to the porch.

I wish I had another Diet Coke.

My AAA guy finally shows up. He says “what’s with all the cops” and I’m like “yeah, weird day” and he’s like “no kidding, I got called to tow a car earlier and there were three bodies in it” and I was like “OKAY FINE YOU WIN.”

He opens my car. I grab my phone and call the school to make sure everything’s good. AAA guy leaves out the front. I’m finishing up on the phone and he comes running back because he left a tool in my car. We walk back to the alley, just as a dozen police officers come walking in.

AAA guy looks at me and says, “actually, I think you win this one.”

One of the detectives says, “sorry, we’ll be out of your hair in a minute. Did you get your car unlocked?”

I’m like “...

....

...

yes”

Another one of the detectives waves and I do a double-take because I have definitely seen this man several times over the past two weeks while walking the dogs and both of us have done the polite nod and smile.

And then it hits me. Two of the unmarked cars were parked in front of the house off and on for the past two weeks and I was so angry because that’s my spot and I couldn’t figure out who was taking it and it turns out WE’VE ALL BEEN UNDER POLICE SURVEILLANCE FOR TWO WEEKS.

Like, these detectives were probably watching me lock my keys in the car and lose my shit and thinking “lol, classic Scafe” because they have been watching me for weeks.

The first detective asks me a few questions, asks what names the creepy neighbors gave me. I tell him and he laughs. I’m like, uh, okay.

I’m still not sure if that means the names were real or fake.

They move the police cars. I pick up the kids an hour late. I call all the friends to be like OH MY GOD CREEPY NEIGHBORS GOT ARRESTED AND ALSO WE MAY BE GUEST STARS ON SOME POLICE SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE.

When I get home, one of my friends has the details. Creepy neighbors were running a gas gift card scam. I won’t pretend to understand how that works. But the cops have been trying to catch them for months. The dude has been extradited to Colorado.

The woman will probably get out on bail. Since they didn’t sign a lease, the detective said the person on the actual lease could authorize us to go in and pack up their stuff and change the locks.

I immediately yell “I’LL DO IT” because I don’t want creepy neighbors.

So the friends and I text the leaseholder for permission and go through a window, because it’s not breaking and entering when it’s an emergency.

And omg you guys.

First of all, those cops tossed the shit out if that place.

Secondly, meth is a helluva drug.

We packed all the shit up. Designer clothes with the tags still on. Hundreds of losing scratch tickets. A lot of pipes.

Like, a lot of pipes. There were only two people, how many pipes do you need.

A bunch of organic food and articles about getting fit which seems super weird because the first step is probably STOP DOING METH.

Goonies on DVD. Brand new shoes. To do lists, which literally included crimes.

I am not joking.

The couch had a huge hole burned in it. There were joints in the bedsheets. And lots of containers of bubbles.

Idek what that’s about.

And a box of baseball cards. Like, legit Topps 1988 baseball cards. And I thought, fuck, this is the one real thing they have. This dude is running from the law but he’s carrying around his childhood baseball cards. And I thought, that’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

Until my friend says “did you see this.”

And it’s a wooden box. With the woman’s mom’s ashes.

So, I guess I know her name was real.

I mean, fuck.

Meth is a helluva drug.

So we carefully wrapped it up. Gathered up about $10 in loose change. Put it with all the rest of the stuff in bags and boxes on the porch. And we changed the locks.

I hope she comes back to get it. I hope I’m here so I can ask her if she needs a ticket to somewhere.

But no way in hell am I letting her back in. Because, while we’re cleaning out the house, I found some desk organizer trays I had bought. And one of my plates. And a couple of my cups.

Meth heads definitely stepped in dog shit in my house while stealing some dollar store shit.

The moral of the story here is threefold:

Sometimes it’s good to lock your doors.

Always act like you’re under police surveillance, because maybe you are.

Don’t do meth. It’ll fuck your life up.

Also, there’s a husky puppy named Ryley at the Pasadena Humane Society. He’s a sweet hot mess of a dog.

Someone should go find him, and take him home.

The end.

So a man and a woman just showed up and were gathering up the stuff and they asked me what happened. I told them the cops came, and the woman was like “what omg, was it a lot of cops” which is a weird thing to ask. And I said yeah, so many cops.

And then they were in a huge hurry, and the guy drove down to the end of the block while she ran around looking for her phone and then she got into the car and they drove away very quickly.

So I think I just tipped off the accomplices.

Oops.