Thread by @vandroidhelsing

You know how sometimes you’re reading a romance novel and they’re like LET US PAINT OURSELVES WITH CHOCOLATE AND LICK IT OFF ONE ANOTHER and you’re like YOU WON’T BE CLEAN ENOUGH TO GET INTO BED NOW AND IT’S THE REGENCY SO YOU CAN’T JUST SHOWER

ALSO SINCE IT’S THE REGENCY SOLID CHOCOLATE DIDN’T EXIST SO YOU’RE JUST PAINTING THE COMTESSE WITH HOT COCOA AND I REALLY DON’T THINK WARM GRITTY MILK WOULD BE ALL THAT SEXY

And it’s gonna get all over that chair you tied the comtesse to and like, I know you’ve got servants to clean things, but my god, consider their feelings for once.

Another notable aspect of this story is that the comtesse is not only a silvery platinum blond (which, whatever, I suppose it could happen naturally) but ALSO has silvery platinum blond pubic hair. Is she an ELF?

I’m actually enjoying the book otherwise; I like it when the two leads already know each other (and maybe even have A History), and this one has the comtesse using her dude in a revenge scheme BUT ALSO they ARE RECONNECTING and not just in a SEX WAY

And when I say revenge I don’t mean “let’s make Lord Basil Quadfather think we’re dating so he gets jealous”, I mean she is out to financially and socially ruin a dude who hurt her friend. And she’s using her former lover JUST TO SECURE AN INTRODUCTION, I love the comtesse.

Oh dang, the comtesse KILLED her HUSBAND?? But he had it coming, I mean, he was an abusive jerk and he literally branded her with his signet ring to mark her as his property.

This woman does not play around.

L: page 202
R: page 209
I need this book to make up its mind about whether she’s a sexy murder comtesse or just a sexy comtesse

If it’s not true, he can’t “know the worst”; her interior monologue should say he assumes or suspects the worst. Or he could know people are saying the worst.
OR she’s LYING TO HIM, which I fully support too.

Ah, I see we are subtly reinforcing the notion that kink of any kind is not loving or healthy.

So a criminal syndicate just tried to kill the comtesse by arranging for a “runaway” wagon to run her over, but her friend saves her by throwing a hatbox at the horse. Which is great but these are the worst criminals in history.

The book is over and I still have no idea whether she actually killed her husband. I bet she was lying, because her interior monologue was like OH NO HE KNOWS, but what she SAID was plausible enough to be true.

Spoilers but before she accepts Channing’s proposal she’s like “are you sure, the sex could literally kill you”, and I dunno about you, but this woman has literally admitted to homicidal intent, so I would take that as a warning. He…does not.

I gotta say, it’s a bold move for a romance novel to leave it unclear whether or not its heroine is actually a murderer.

FORGET THE CHOCOLATE, MY BIGGEST THING IS NOW WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT THE COMTESSE SLOWLY POISONED HER FIRST HUSBAND

I do like that the story allows her to be a literal femme fatale without condemning or judging her. She doesn’t have to learn any lessons except that romance can be nice.

In hindsight, I think the novel’s elevation of vanilla sex over chocolate-painting kink may actually save her life. No yeast infections in her future.

Great literature should leave you with something to chew on, and I am going to be thinking about whether she’s guilty of murder for the rest of the day.