Thread by @zachary_ibarra

Happy Sabbath

This week marked my five year anniversary of being baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I want to talk about that if you’ll indulge me:

I was a senior in high school, with doubts about my catholic faith. The missionaries knocked on my door and found a receptive student. I had so many questions, and when they didn’t have answers, they knew people who did.

I was a closeted gay 17 year old, life was a little scary. I was wondering what colleges I would apply to, when I would come out of the closet, and what senior year was going to be like.

I was an easy convert. I met with the missionaries three times, went to church once, and accepted the invitation to be baptized. I started early morning seminary before I was even baptized.

I get asked often why I joined the church when I knew I was gay. I don’t know how to answer that.

I read and prayed about the Book of Mormon and found it to be true in my heart. That was all I needed. I was assured that the rest would all fall into place. And it did, kind of.

I re-closeted myself for a while. I went back to dating girls my senior year of high school and into my freshman year at BYU. (I want to thank all my friends who I had already come out to for never questioning my decisions. They let me find my own way, and I love them for that).

Then, seemingly all at once, things were not in place. I began to seriously question my place in the church. I was told I could not go on a full time mission unless I waited three years.

If you do anything (kiss, go on a date, cuddle) with someone of the same gender you have to wait. It was the first time I felt like being gay had held me back in the church.

The world was crashing around me. I became severely depressed, and was soon hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation. I dropped out and moved home where I spent eight months in my basement, wondering what was next.

Eventually I got my depression under control enough that I felt comfortable coming back to BYU for my sophomore year. It was during that year I started seeing a therapist on campus who really changed my perspective on the church.

He asked why I wanted to kill myself, what I stood to gain from ending my life. I told him I honestly believed it would be better for me to die now without any gay sins so I could still get into heaven, because the longer I stayed alive I knew I would end up sinning with men.

He told me with certainty “God would much rather you to stay alive and live a gay life, than to kill yourself at 19 years old.”

He said that as my therapist, but also an active mormon, and a noteworthy BYU faculty member.

It has stuck with me ever since.

I wish I could say life has been easy ever since, but it has not. There have been ups and downs along the way, and overall it is still difficult to be gay and mormon.

The difference is now I feel the love of God, no matter what decisions I make.

I still love the Church, and I know I always will. I don’t know what our relationship will be in the future, but she will always hold a large part of my heart.

I have no doubt that conversion and coming to BYU were exactly what was suppose to happen in my life. I have had the most incredible opportunities here and made the best of friends.

I want to end by saying I speak from a place of enormous privilege. My family is not LDS in any way, so it is of no consequence to them whether I stay or leave, whether I question or sin.

I did not grow up hearing the Family Proclamation over and over, I cannot imagine how painful that was for my fellow queer siblings.

When I go home, my religion is rarely a topic of discussion. My family has encouraged me to follow my own faith journey.

My story is not typical nor is it representative of most queer mormons, but it is mine and I love it.

Thank you for reading along❤️