Thread by @tgiovanetti

Woman walks into a police office.

“I’d like to report a sexual assault.”

Officer: Okay, tell me about it.
When did it happen?

Woman: I don’t know, but it was around 35 years ago.

Officer: Um, okay. Where did it happen?

Woman: I don’t know.

Officer: How did you get there?

Woman: I don’t know.

Officer: How did you get home?

Woman: I don’t know.

Officer: Did you report it then?

Woman: No.

Officer: Did you tell anyone about it at the time?

Woman: No, I waited 30 years to tell someone about it.

Officer: You didn’t even tell your husband about it before then?

Woman: No. I waited 30 years to tell anyone about it.

Officer: Were there any witness?

Woman: Yes, four. Here are their names.

. . .

Officer: We’ve spoken with all four of them, and all four deny it. Several denying even being there. They signed sworn statements, under penalty of felony.

Woman: Well, they’re all drunk or troubled.

Officer: Why is it you can’t remember any of the details?

Woman: Trauma.

Officer: Well, who did it?

Woman: Brett Kavanaugh. I’m 100% certain it was Brett Kavanaugh.

Officer: How can you be certain it was Brett Kavanaugh?

Woman: Trauma.

Woman: Oh, and I took a polygraph.

Officer: Who paid for the polygraph?

Woman: I don’t know.

Officer: Would you come to DC to tell your story to Congress?

Woman: No, I’m afraid of flying.

Officer: How did you get here today?

Woman: I flew. I fly all the time. I love travel.

Officer: When did you decide to go public with this?

Woman: A few days ago.

Officer: When did your employer scrub your bio, and when did your high school yearbooks all mysteriously disappear form the Internet?

Woman: Weeks ago.

Officer: I've had an experienced sex crimes prosecutor from Arizona review all your materials, and she says no reasonable prosecutor would pursue your case. It's less than a "he said, she said" matter because your witnesses actually refute you.

Woman: But Safeway!

Officer: Do you understand that this all adds up to a highly suspect, and possibly demented, accusation against a person held in high esteem throughout his career, who already underwent 6 FBI background checks?

Woman: Safeway! Safeway!

Officer: Given that you can't remember even major details about this traumatic event in your life, do you even know what memory is?

Woman: Epinephrine codes memories into the hippocampus, and so the trauma-related experience is locked there, whereas other details kind of drift.

Officer: Okay, so you do actually know some things. Why can't you remember the most basic details about this event?

Woman: Safeway! Mark Judge went pale! Sen. Hirono leaked my letter to the media! Oopsies! (in coached baby-girl voice that sounds ridiculous for a 50 yr old woman)

Officer: We've checked, and the Safeway you keep going on about wasn't even built until 1986. You've said the incident happened in 1982.

Woman: (Keeps looking over at the Democrat committee staffers)

Officer: Oh, and the first cell phone wasn't invented until several years after the alleged incident, and cost $5,000. Dr. Ford, did you have a $5,000 cell phone 4 years before it was invented?

Woman: (Senator Hirono?)

Officer: I can only conclude that Judge Kavanaugh should be investigated by the FBI for a seventh time.

Woman (doubles down on baby girl voice, smiles at Sen. Hirono): Squee!

Officer: Did you say Squi?

Woman: Nevermind. I got what I wanted (checks Go Fund Me accounts).

Woman (texting husband): Honey, I've looked at the Go Fund Me balances, and now we can have as many front doors in our house as we want!

LADY JUSTICE: Catches the last train for the coast.

OBJECTIVE MORAL VALUES (Calls out to LADY JUSTICE): Hey, wait for me! Don’t leave me here alone!

@SamHarrisOrg: Don’t worry, everything will be fine. We don’t need either of those two.

@jordanbpeterson: Um, no.

@SamHarrisOrg: I have mitochondria. That’s all I need. Objective moral values come from mitochondria.

@jordanbpeterson: No, that’s not right at all. We need all the wonderful things from religion while still denying their truth claims.

@SamHarrisOrg: Well, RELIGION left, too.

@jordanbpeterson: But without RELIGION, LADY JUSTICE and OBJECTIVE MORAL VALUES there’s nothing standing between us and HELL!

@roddreher (smiles and rubs his hands together)

Woman (calls husband): Honey, I’m headed to the airport.

Husband: You can quit with that stupid voice now.

Woman: That was fun! Where can we fly to next?!

@ChuckGrassley: You may be flying back to DC to answer to perjury charges.

Woman (looks over at @SenFeinstein, who is suddenly nowhere to be found).