Red Dead's bad controls gave me an amazing story to tell. As they say in the old west, SADDLE UP.
I stumbled upon a hanging in progress in Valentine, and immediately thought 'Oh I'll do the thing!' You know, the thing. Shoot the rope, free the guy, walk away feeling proud. The thing. So I hang behind the crowd on my horse, watching the proceedings.
As the guy is about to be hanged, his wife, from the crowd, is screaming 'NO! NOT MY HUSBAND! PLEASE GOD NO!'.
The hangman, meanwhile, asks the hangee 'Do you have any regrets?'. He answers with 'No! These guys deserved it!' then, to the crowd 'Honey, I'll miss you so much, take care of our son'. I am now firmly feeling good about myself for planning to free this guy.
The hangman walks over to the lever, preparing to kill this poor sap. I equip my six-shooter and try to aim it, to ready myself. The aiming button being L2 in every game ever, I press L2. Nothing happens.
I look around the screen for something telling me what button to press to aim. I see, at the bottom of the screen, R2 to aim. Meanwhile, the guy has been dropped and is hanging. I don't have much time.
I press R2. Except it turns out R2 is not for aiming. R2 is for shooting. But still, surely my aim is true. The bullet flies from my gun, finding its target, burying itself DIRECTLY IN THE WIFE'S BACK.
In his final moments, the hanged man I had hoped to save is now forced to watch as a random passer-by takes out his beloved wife. So, I freeze. I have two options.
One, I can do what any man in this situation would do and flee in dismay, hiding from the authorities but also from my own shame at having turned A Bad Situation into an emotional demolition derby.
Two, I can hand over the wheel to my Gamer Reflexes. Those that twitch instinctively, knowing what to do in a given situation to solve it and obtain a desirable outcome.
I make the regrettable decision of handing it over to my reflexes. Dutifully, I shoot the rope and free the guy. Free him and damn him to a lifetime of mourning and anger and remorse.
I ride away from the 48 witnesses who are all running over each other to try to report this heinous crime. Hangee, wherever you are, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to help.
My bounty was $30.00.
