Thread by @HoarseWisperer

Oh, I'm back and I've got a story to tell.

A story of an ordinary man locked down by the Twitter po-po.

A man denied due process. A man thrown in Twitter jail on wafer-thin charges.

Buckle up, kids. This is gonna be a bumpy ride.

"Hoarse: Uncaged" starts now.

1/

There I was, minding my own beeswax and doing as I do.

Ya know, checking the Twitter; reminding Babyfingers he's going to die in prison; comparing the Vice President to a greasy loofah. The usual.

Then up popped an ominous Twitter notice.

The Hoarse was on lockdown.

2/

"Ehrmagod, but noooees!" I said to myself "I'm not cut out for Twitter prison. Someone will slip me the jailhouse shank emoji!"

I was terrified. A whole season of "Oz" flashed before my eyes.

So, I hastily filed a desperate appeal... but then the bars slammed shut.

3/

Hearing those Twitcatraz doors slam shut changes a man though.

In Twison, they've got a saying.

"You can do the time or the time can do you."

That's stone cold truth right there.

So, I set about to screw my courage to the sticking place and make the best of it.

4/

By a long five minutes into my sentence, I had come all the way around... That's willpower right there. Mental toughness.

"I bet it's just like Shawshank Redemption." I convinced myself "Yes, it will be just like that. I bet I'll get to meet Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman!"

5/

Oh, the mind can talk itself into anything when facing the inconceivable - like 12 hrs off Twitter.

As it turns out, Twison is NOTHING like Shawshank Redemption.

And I now SERIOUSLY regret crawling through a half-mile sewer pipe just to get into character. That was unwise.

6/

I mean, there's no one to talk to. You get your notifications but can't reply.

It's like one of those nightmares where you want to post a screaming .gif but no one can see it.

So, I had to find diversions. Things to do.

I mean, I had an entire half-day to kill.

7/

First, I ambled off into the woods to enjoy nature where I stumbled upon this sad testament to man's cruelty to both the environment and VWs.

8/

After a few hours of elbow grease and a few YouTube videos, I had her fully restored.

I named her Virginia Woolf. Cuz, ya know, VW... and I'm all literary and sh**.

Alas, I still had 7 hrs left. Such is the speed of my handiwork. I'm a renaissance horse. What can I say?

9/

So, I ate a sandwich and busted out the ol' easel.

Not one to shy from ambitious projects, I drew this full-scale reproduction of Picasso's Guernica using only a single miniature golf pencil.

It now hangs in a local museum. Children weep when beholding its powerful beauty.

10/

...but then I was out of time-killers and had no choice but to tuck back into Twitter to see see why I had been banned in the first place.

I mean, Twitter Jail is a serious matter. I must have gotten dinged for a doozy, no?

11/

Yeah, not so much.

A couple weeks ago, someone posted an innocuous comment about people who lean up against subway poles...

12/

I responded with a movie reference from the 1990 classic "The Grifters".

13/

In the movie, the mobster tells Anjelica Huston that if you beat someone with a sack of oranges, they bruise up but don't suffer any real injuries.

Now, mind you, this is a rather absurd premise. But, hey, it's a movie.

Apparently, the Twitter mods never saw it.

14/

The next guy down the thread saw it though... I mean, it's not like a movie that was nominated for four Academy Awards was a sleeper.

Where's your culture, Twitter?!

15/

Let's just ignore the fact that it was a movie line directed in jest.

Apparently, Twitter thinks I was proposing actual violence directed at a vague audience of "people who lean on subway poles".

Yes, that's it. Ya got me. I was trying to incite citrus-wielding vigilantes.
16/

Because that makes perfect sense.

If there's one tactic that would definitely work on a super-crowded downtown 4 train in Manhattan, it's elbowing your way in with a pillowcase full of oranges hoping to work up enough fruit-speed for a good orange-beatin'.

Dumba**es.

17/

So, just to recap, Twitter put me on lockdown under the premise that I was some bad actor looking to fire up the vitamin C-heavy equivalent of Antifa.

Fruit Warriors.

Yes, that's quite logical.

p.s. they actually have an orange-throwing festival in Italy but I digress

18/

Now, mind you, while Twitter drew a hard line when it comes to fruit violence, the actual head of the f***ing KKK was free to post sh** so racist today that it got picked up in the media.

David Duke didn't get suspended.

thedailybeast.com/david-duke-pra…

19/

...and a candidate for Senator in Virginia freely posted a hateful screed about a Muslim candidate for Governor of Michigan...

...and he wasn't suspended.

20/

...and the literal founder of the violent "alt-lite" group, Proud Boys, posted this hateful, vulgar homophobic garbage and not only didn't get suspended, he didn't even get forced to take it down.

21/

...and all the while, Twitter's own Jack has spent the week pumping out long, vacuous tripe defending this platform's shameful impotence in policing actual hate speech from people like Alex Jones.

22/

Meanwhile, Alex Jones, knowing he has been greenlit to carry on unabated, is still posting vile filth on the only remaining platform that will happily allow it.

Twitter.

23/

Twitter's arbitrary enforcement of vague terms of service for regular users is just plain poor.

It's willful complicity in the most awful users violating those same terms at will is even worse.

Twitter is amoral. People are calling them out.
24/
vox.com/2018/8/8/17662…

Getting dinged for a 12-hour timeout over something ridiculous makes for a funny story.

Scrolling through one post after another about the scourges of humanity who go utterly un-policed on here, well, that's not funny at all.

Do better, Twitter. Fix your damn sh**.

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