Thread by @alexdecampi

Hey if you’re ever mad at your boss for being behind the times, try being an English soldier in 1215 when your officers were still using a Roman text from ~395 AD as their instructional manual for siege warfare

even tho ROMANS DIDN’T HAVE CASTLES

woo #AlexDrunkHistory is GO

(The text was Vegetius’ De Re Militari, mostly forgotten now but living on in Senate subcommittees, thanks to its one big line: “if you want peace, prepare for war”)

Anyway before we get into the fun world of mangonel vs trebuchet vs ballista and the excellent Roller Derby names they were given (“Warwolf”!) lets back up a bit and talk about Why Castles, and Why Sieges.

Castles: it was William the Conqueror’s fault.

Bill from Normandy toddles over the Channel in 1066, pops King Harold in the eye, goes “all this belongs to me now”.

The English:

See, the Romans didn’t need castles because a large part of their territory was peaceful. They had forts, yes, on the borders, but those were purely military outposts. They were not socio-economic hubs. A castle is a fortified residence of a lord, and a seat of power.

William needed castles because him and his circa 5,000 men left after the Battle of Hastings were STAYING.

And the English immediately crowned a new king, Edgar.

So William got into the construction business, and that’s ultimately what won him England.

Why didn’t William just build forts, like the Romans? Because feudalism.

The Romans had a professional standing army. By the 11th century in Western Europe, there hadn’t been standing professional armies for a long time, and there wouldn’t be again until 1645.

Actual regimental uniforms took even longer, and were really invented by the French

This is EXTREMELY RELEVANT to one of the most giant balls military shenanigans of all time, yes I’m talking about John Smith at the Battle of Edgehill

Okay so it’s October 1642 and the tail end of feudalism and basically Charles I and Parliament are both sitting there with big armies going like this at each other

Charles: “fuck it, I’m going to London”

Parliament: “Like hell you are”

They fight. During the battle the Royal standard is taken by the Parliamentary soldiers, whoops, so embarrassing, bad day for Royalists BUT

Remember how I said nobody had uniforms? The Parliamentarians had a scarf

So John Smith, Royalist, grabs one of those scarves, saunters over behind Parliament lines and is like “hello my fellow patriots, bosses want that captured flag moved”

Parliamentarians: “OK, here you go”

John Smith takes the Royal standard and... walks it back to his own lines

E P I C

but, y’know, uniforms. So useful

BACK TO CASTLES

Feudalism worked on a principle of scutage, which means you as a lord owed your king a certain number of soldiers (or gold), based on the size of your lands, if he asks you for them

You are expected to lead your soldiers, and if the king likes you he gives you MORE lands

The people who live on these lands already might somewhat disagree with that transfer (see: Scotland, Wales, 12th-16th centuries), so basically it was best to put a big wall around your house on that new land

By 1215 castles were highly regulated in England. You had to get permission from the King to put in new towers, walls, even to build one in the first place.

This was mainly because the English monarchy was not a stable and peaceful thing. Your enemies having castles = bad

If you had permission to have a castle but pissed off the king, as pretty much everyone did with John in 1215, your castle got “slighted”

the king sent his men round and they took down some of your walls and towers and sent the stone to someone the king still liked

Castles also became a super big deal because sieges were the favourite way to conduct war in England and France until a combination of gunpowder/artillery development (1500s) and the professional army (1600s) ended all that

This is why there are so many instances in medieval warfare of two armies getting close to each other or even lining up, and then everyone deciding “fuck it” and going home

And by “everyone” I mean “wealthy feudal lords” because let’s get real nobody cared what happened to common soldiers

Open field warfare was so so dangerous if you were a noble

You could get shot, by a prole! Or captured! Your horse could fall on you!

I mean, you could get shot during siege warfare too — that was how Richard the Lionheart died, beseiging a little castle called Châlus-Chabrol when he was shot by a boy who had a crossbow in one hand and a frying pan (which he’d been using as a shield) in the other

But the important thing, as ever, is that siege warfare was *perceived* as safer by military leaders.

Again, it was highly regulated. You often negotiated in the beginning how long the siege would last, and what the surrender terms would be if there was no relief

And you got to hang out in your castle, or in a nice comfy camp next to the castle (if besieging) and occasionally lob things at each other

This isn’t to say folks didn’t get petty as shit because hello, have you even met the English monarchy?

Big ups to the folks in Chester in 918 who dropped boiling ale on their Viking besiegers... and then followed it up by DROPPING BEEHIVES ON THEM

you also could chuck rotting corpses over the wall, Greek Fire (nut oil and hemp flax), and of course starving folks out

But overall, medieval sieges were not the punishing, brutal meatgrinds of Vicksburg or Leningrad, for example.

Two months was a LONG siege in medieval terms, and that meant you were hella determined and your castle was SOLID

The 7-week siege of Rochester Castle in 1215 by King John “It’s about ethics in forest conservation” Lackland was a good example of this

John dug the rebels out by tunnelling under Rochester’s huge walls, smearing the mine supports with pig fat, and lighting it up.

Probably the longest medieval siege in the British Isles was Stirling Castle, 1304 — Edward I vs Scottish “rebels”. It was about three months, Edward brought ALL the toys, and it illustrates the biggest problem with medieval siege warfare: supply chain

The siege lasted from April to July, and it’s famous among war nerds because it involved The Biggest Trebuchet Of All Time, “Loup-de-Guerre” (aka War Wolf, bc the English nobility all spoke French at the time, remember Norman Billy from 1066? That’s his fault too)

Loup-de-Guerre quickly got shortened to “Ludgar” because soldiers. It was said to be able to fling a 300lb boulder — but it was never fired.

See, no standing army.

That means no place to put siege artillery when you’re not using it, or transport it.

Plus, since trebuchets were basically catapults, imagine trying to move something with a several-ton counterweight on a medieval road. Ha ha no.

nope, all those fancy siege engines had to be built right there, in front of the castle you were besieging, when the siege started

It kind of cuts down on the dramatic moment, you know

“We’re going to drive you out of this castle, rebel scum....
....
....
...just as soon as our carpenters finish. HURRY IT UP, FRANK”

And you still have to find lumber, and lead, and transport it through hostile areas to where your army is.

The Chinese, who made everyone in the West look like fucking amateurs in this, would roll up to a siege with 300 disassembled traction trebuchets like “what up”

But, y’know, Edward I. He had something to prove. So he built THIRTEEN trebuchets in front of Stirling Castle, part as an intimidation tactic, part because GIANT ARTILLERY TOYS, HURR

Some of their names: Kyngstone, Belfry, Seagrave, Toulemonde, Gloucester, Lincoln

They failed to breach the walls.

Ludgar / War Wolf is still being built. 30 wagons of materials being assembled.

The Scots in early July: “okay fine, we’re bored, we’ll surrender now if you promise not to kill is”

Edward: *pouts* “but I haven’t fired my big gun yet”

Eventually in late July, Warwolf was FINALLY finished.

By then, EVERYONE was bored, it was getting on near harvest time, and Edward accepted the Scots’ surrender. And didn’t actually kill any of them, for once.

It is unknown if Warwolf was ever fired.

Anyway, thank you for listening, if you like stories set in medieval England hello this is my Soundcloud: unbound.com/books/the-scot…