Thread by @garius

LIDINGTON: First one's gone. It's Shailesh.
MAY: Who?
LIDINGTON: Shailesh Vara.
MAY: David, I was up until 4am pretending to give a shit about Corbyn's recipe for raspberry jam. My brain is broken. I have not yet had coffee. Who is that?
LIDINGTON: Shit. Was hoping you knew.

LIDINGTON: Okay. Shailesh. According to Wikipedia he's from Cambridgeshire.
MAY: Hmm
LIDINGTON: Black belt in Tai Kwondo. No scandal section.
MAY: Nice. You sure he's one of ours?
LIDINGTON: 'Implemented devastating cuts to legal aid'
MAY: Oh right. Yeah. Definitely one of ours.

LIDINGTON: There goes Raab
MAY: Dom?! The little fucking traitor.
LIDINGTON: Yup. Here's his letter.
MAY: 'I Have resigned so I can spend more time with an atlas.'
LIDINGTON: Yeah. That part was a bit weird.

MAY: Who's next? Grayling?
LIDINGTON: Maybe. Although Grayling will...
MAY: Careful! Remember the curse. Say it three times and he appears.
LIDINGTON: Sorry. Leadsom next I think. Failing that...
GRAYLING: Hello!
LIDINGTON: I SAID FAILING!
GRAYLING: That works too!

GRAYLING: What are we talking about?
MAY: Go away Chris.
GRAYLING: Is it Brexit?
LIDINGTON: Go away Chris
GRAYLING: Esther gave me a letter to give you
MAY: Shit.
GRAYLING: Also are you going to Michael Gove's pizza party later?
LIDINGTON: Shit
GRAYLING: It's a secret one! Shhhh!

LIDINGTON: Suella Bravernann has gone
MAY: Okay seriously you made that name up
LIDINGTON: I didn't!
MAY: Who's next? Willie Dustice?
LIDINGTON: She's real! I swear!
MAY: Sure. Has Dwigt Rortugal gone yet?
LIDINGTON: Look! She's on Wikipedia!
MAY: That's not a valid source, David

<meanwhile, somewhere in London>

GREGGS LADY: Hello duck! We've not seen you in a while!
ED MILIBAND: I've been... away.
GREGGS LADY: Well it's nice to see you again. What can I get you?
MILIBAND: Bacon butty please.
GREGGS: LADY: You want ketchup in that?
MILIBAND: Drown it.

MAY <on phone>: I hear you're planning another pizza party
GOVE: <dry hissing>
MAY: How you do think I know?
GRAYLING: Hello!
GOVE: <sound of wet tentacles>
MAY: I propose an alternative: Be My Brexit Minister
GOVE: <ghoulish wail>

MAY: Think about it Michael this could be your chance to prove everyone wrong
GOVE: <wet clicking>
MAY: Brexit Secretary. They'd HAVE to admire you
GOVE: <subdued wet slapping>
MAY: They'd have to love you then, Michael. The people, they'd have to respect you
GOVE: <demonic purr>

<in the terrace cafe>

JAYAWARDENA: Prime Minister...
MAY: The lasagna please. And what's the dessert of the day?
JAYAWARDENA: No, Prime Minister it's me
MAY: <blank look>
MAY: Ranil Jayawardena? PPS at Justice?
MAY: Still no
JAYAWARDENA: I hearby resi...
MAY: Dude. I'm on lunch

<meanwhile in Staples>

REES-MOGG: Fair maid! Where is the Vellum? I must write to the 1922
TILL LADY: Paper? Over there
REES-MOGG: Vellum, sweat child! One does not use paper for the '22!
TILL LADY: That like Post-its? Over there
REES-MOGG: Vellum!
TILL LADY: Sir there's a queue

LIDINGTON: Mogg's letter is in
MAY: Tedious little shit
LIDINGTON: Anything from Gove?
MAY: I feel terror and an overwhelming urge to vomit, so maybe his human form approaches
LIDINGTON: Oh sorry I forgot to mute Sky. Rees-Mogg's live <click>
MAY: Okay, no the feeling has passed

LIDINGTON: Leadsom's up in the house. Says she's not resigning.
MAY: Fucksake, can't one thing go my way today?
LIDINGTON: Is that not... a good thing?
MAY: Think about it David. This means we STILL have to invite her to Cabinet Meetings.

LIDINGTON: Rumours about Chris now. Shall I...
MAY: Grayling Grayling Grayling
GRAYLING: Hello!
LIDINGTON: I was going to call him.
MAY: The curse is quicker. Chris have you been speaking to Gove again?
GRAYLING: Um... No?
MAY: You're covered in ichor, Chris
GRAYLING: Okay yes.

MAY: What did Gove say to you?
GRAYLING: It sang a song, straight into my brain. Like sugar, sorrow and power intertwined. Through it all, one world resolved: 'resign'
MAY: Oh Jesus. Gove got to you.
GRAYLING: Also it gave me pizza
MAY:
GRAYLING: It was Hawaiian
MAY: Sweet mercy

GRAYLING: I think this means I have to resign
LIDINGTON: Chris, you're a valuable member of the team and
GRAYLING: That's very nice of you to say so David, but I feel very strongly about this. I resign
MAY: You're NOT resigning Chris. You don't want to.
GRAYLING: Okay miss. Sorry

MAY <on the phone>: Are you in or out?
GOVE: <sound of one hand clapping>
MAY: Sorry? Is that yes or no?
GOVE: <unholy shriek>
MAY: Michael, this would be a lot easier if you assumed human form for a few minutes
GOVE: <hideous clicking>
MAY: Yes I know it's your day off but still

LIDINGTON: Okay. Press conference booked for five
MAY: Cheers
LIDINGTON: What are you going to say?
MAY: Honestly? I really don't know. I just thought: YOLO
LIDINGTON: Maybe do the dance again
MAY: Really David?
LIDINGTON: Oh come on! How could it POSSIBLY make things any worse?!

LIDINGTON: Okay, thinking out of the box: Go full George-from-Seinfeld-after-he-quit?
MAY: So turn up, don't mention Brexit, pretend the whole referendum never happened?
LIDINGTON: And hope everyone is so embarrassed they all pretend the same?
MAY: I mean, it's pretty tempting...

LIDINGTON: Rehman Chishti has quit now.
MAY: Who ARE all these people?!
LIDINGTON: I have no idea.
MAY: I need to start reading stuff before I sign it.
LIDINGTON: Wait... 'Trade Envoy' apparently.
MAY: I mean what even IS that?!

LIDINGTON: Are Trade Envoys the ones who go helicopter golfing with Prince Andrew?
MAY: That's Cultural Ambassadors
LIDINGTON: Oh yes.
MAY: Hang on, are they the ones we send to the hot, humid countries we hate?
LIDINGTON: No, that's Liam Fox
MAY: Ha! Oh yeah.

MAY: All I'm saying, Donald, is you're being VERY unhelpful here.
TUSK: Me? All I said was 'no brexit' is an option. It was just a little comment.
MAY: And that's... wait, are you LAUGHING.
TUSK: *stiffles giggles* no
MAY: You are!
TUSK: I'm not!
MAY: Donald! I swear... hello?!

TUSK <laughing hysterically>: Oh god I had to hang up. I cannot stop.
MACRON: Let me answer next time! We'll make her think she dialed the wrong number
TUSK: No, it is mean!
MACRON: Okay, but let me make another public comment about a European Army
TUSK: LOL! Okay go on then.

LIDINGTON: Okay show time. What are you doing again?
MAY: Still no idea
LIDINGTON: Just think: 'what would David Cameron do'?
MAY: and then do the opposite. Yes I know. Actually... do you think announcing his arrest and execution would help?
LIDINGTON:
MAY: Just thinking out loud

MAY: How did I do?
LIDINGTON: You didn't really say anything
MAY: Yup.
LIDINGTON: I mean it was pretty much a rehash of the same stuff as this morning
MAY: Yup.
LIDINGTON: It was pretty much a damp squib
MAY: Yup.
LIDINGTON: Top, top trolling
MAY: Thanks!

MAY: Okay Michael
GOVE: <eldritch hiss>
MAY: Yes, we'll see you soon
LIDINGTON: He's coming over?
MAY: As soon as he's got his skin on
LIDINGTON: I'll lock the cat away
MAY: Thanks. And send down to the kitchen for some live mice

GOVE: It iS GoOd tO SeE YOu AgaiN PriMe MINIsTeR. On MY DaY oFF
MAY: Thanks for coming Michael
GOVE: It IS Of nOoo CoNSEqUence
MAY: You're very kind
GOVE: AlTHOugh TOday IS My DaY oFF
MAY: Yes, I know, you already said

GOVE: YoU wiLL PaY hoMAGE?
MAY: Sorry?
GOVE <lip smacking>: HOmaGE
MAY: Oh right! Sorry! David! The mice please
GOVE <crunching of small bones>: AH! SwEet moRCels
DAVID: My God
GOVE: Do I HAve sOME on MY ChIN?
MAY: David don't stare
GOVE <wiping>: HoW EMBarRAssING i DO ApOLOgise

MAY: Will you be Brexit Secretary?
GOVE: ThIS iS a SUBJeCt I HaVE OPIniOns oN
MAY: I know
GOVE: AnD I hAVE aLWAys bEEn LoYal aND trUE to mY FriENDs
LIDINGTON: Weeell
GOVE: OKaY ApART fROM tHAt ONe TiME
LIDINGTON: One?
GOVE: Or PErHAps tWIcE
LIDINGTON: Try five
MAY: Be nice, David

GOVE: If i AM To SErvE tHEn I hAVe dEMAnDs
MAY: Shoot
GOVE: I wISh to ReNEgoTIaTe tHE TeRMs
MAY: Okay. Tricky. But maybe.
GOVE: AnD A FRee VoTE iN ParlIAMent
MAY: Keep talking.
GOVE: alSO aN IteM oN mY STeaM wISHList is ON SAle

LIDINGTON: More mice?
GOVE: ThANk YoU
MAY: Okay we can work with this
GOVE: AnD OnE FiNAL DemAND. I reQUIre BoRIS JohNSoN's hEAd oN A pLAte
MAY: Okay. Trickier but the idea has a certain appeal and I'm sure...
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister! No
MAY: Goddamnit
GOVE: ThEn I mUSt decLINE

MAY: Okay. At least he agreed to stop actively plotting against me
LIDINGTON: Until he finishes Goat Simulator
MAY: Who's next?
LIDINGTON: Penny Mordaunt
MAY:
LIDINGTON: Development secretary
MAY: Jesus Christ
LIDINGTON: What?
MAY: It's hardly a 'Great Office of State' is it?

MORDAUNT: If you want my continued loyalty then I have demands
MAY: You know you're just the Development secretary, right?
MORDAUNT: Sorry?
MAY: I mean seriously
MORDAUNT: I don't appreciate your tone
MAY: And I don't appreciate...
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister
MAY <sighs>: Go ahead

MORDAUNT: I think it's about time I got some respect
MAY: You know that Gove is outside right? If I ask him he will literally flay your face off? Michael!
GOVE: HeLLo!
MORDAUNT: Keep that THING away from me!
GOVE: ThAT iS vErY HurTful
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister
MAY: God. Fine.

MAY: Okay go
MORDAUNT: A Free vote on the deal!
MAY: Fine
MORDAUNT: And I want people to know that it was my idea
MAY: Knock yourself out
MORDAUNT: Also an item on my steam wishlist is on sale
GOVE: iS It GoAt SImULAtor?
MORDAUNT: Oh my god you've played it?!
GOVE: It'S sO GoOD

INTERRUPT: Because I realised I probably should do this. Sorry. I'll be quick. Promise:

The patreon for my serious writing is here: patreon.com/lonrec and you'll find a lot of that writing here: medium.com/@garius/

LIDINGTON: David Davis is on the radio now
MAY: Of course he is
LIDINGTON: He says he would have run the negotiations differently.
MAY: Did he remind everyone that he was in charge of those negotiations for TWO YEARS?
LIDINGTON: No
MAY: Funny that

LIDINGTON: Also Gove is all over the papers saying he's still thinking of quitting
MAY: That eldritch little shit. I bought him Goat Simulator!
LIDINGTON: To be fair it's not that long a game
MAY: Am I literally the only person in Cabinet not playing this?!
LIDINGTON: Sounds like

LIDINGTON: Are you not on Ken Clarke's Discord? It's been all over that. He's been streaming it.
MAY: I left. I got tired of his endless Fortnite memes.
LIDINGTON: By the way, Whittingdale just put his letter in.
MAY: Oh COME ON.

MAY: Okay. It's time for us to go on the offensive and... what's that?
LIDINGTON: Nothing
MAY: Are you writing a letter?! Et tu Tory?! Give it!
LIDINGTON: No! I...
MAY: Oh David
LIDINGTON: I just..
MAY: This is really sweet. But they're not going to give me a Blue Peter badge.

MAY: So I'm controlling the goat?
CLARKE: Yes! Goat Simulator! Forward is W. Try to do as much damage as you can
MAY: Why?
CLARKE: Just because
MAY: It's so senseless
CLARKE: But fun for the goat!
MAY: I guess but... oh FUCK OFF Ken. I see what you're doing here
CLARKE: Who me?

MAY <entering>: Clarke is a devious shit isn't he?
LIDINGTON: Always has been always will be. Don't play him at Fortnite
GOVE <on tv>: i aM LoOkInG ForWARd tO CoNTInuING tO wORk WiTH aLL mY cOlLeAgUes
MAY: Is that a new skin?
LIDINGTON: He says it gives off less static in the wet

<elsewhere>
LEADSOM: I convene this secret meeting to discuss having a secret meeting about the backstop. Questions?
GRAYLING: Andrea is there pizza?
LEADSOM: No. Anyone else?
GRAYLING: I have another question
LEADSON: There will not be pizza at the next one either
GRAYLING: Boo

MORDAUNT: I have one: Is Gove still onboard with this?
LEADSOM: I believe so. I can feel his presence in my mind.
GoVe <ethereal>: DoN'T mINd mE i'M jUsT LuRKing
GRAYLING: Ooh! Miss! another question
LEADSOM: Yes Chris?
GRAYLING: Have we DEFINITELY ruled out Pizza?

LEADSOM: Okay to confirm. We will meet this weekend
GoVE: bUT nOT oN SuNDay as i'M aT RaMBliNG cLUb
LEADSOM: There WILL be pizza
GRAYLING: GET IN!
LEADSOM: To secretly discuss the backstop
MORDAUNT: Last q: Are we inviting Liam Fox?
LEADSOM: Do we have to?
goVE: hE CrEEps mE OuT

BRIEF INTERRUPT: Quick reminder that you can buy me a coffee here if you're enjoying this: ko-fi.com/garius

LIDINGTON: Grant Shapps is on TV
MAY: Joy
LIDINGTON: Says he HASN'T submitted a letter to the 1922 in his name. Yet.
MAY: Did he say if he's submitted one in anyone else's?
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister!
MAY: What?! He's got form.

We broke twitter threading! Yay! Continues here:

https://mobile.twitter.com/garius/status/1063472437109624833