Thread by @matvelloso

Customer: I need a baby

Junior dev: With one pregnant woman we can deliver it in 2 years

Senior dev: Make it 4 years

Project manager: Can't we just hire 9 pregnant women and deliver the baby tomorrow?

Consultant: My opinion is that your baby is ugly as hell, here's my bill

Architect: I'm proud to say this baby can fill 10 diapers in half an hour, probably more but we ran out of diapers during the load test

Startup CEO: Our baby uses Blockchain please give us money I'm hungry

Steve Jobs: You saw how amazing our baby is, but one last thing... Introducing iCrib

Boom

Steve Ballmer: BABIES BABIES BABIES WOOOHOOOOOOOO!

Donald Trump: I know more about babies than anyone! And diapers and stuff

Designer: We explored different designs for babies ad then it hit us: Babies look a lot like knees so we used a knee theme in the babies design

Twitter: Our babies are only allowed to cry for 5 seconds at a time

Containers engineer: I figured out how to package 3 babies in the same diaper using docker and kubernetes

Service Fabric engineer: Our 3 babies keep the state of their diapers automatically synchronized

Sales manager: This is the BEST baby you will ever buy...

Customer: But that's a donkey?

Sales manager: That's just a sample unit and I'm prepared to offer a one in a lifetime promo if you sign here

Futurist: AI will replace babies by 2020

Microsoft: We are pleased to announce Microsoft Baby 365 Professional. Baby collaboration never been easier

JavaScript developer: My baby sometimes fills the diaper with NaN and I can't repro

Dependency injection dev: Help, there's baby poop appearing everywhere and I have no idea where it is coming from!

Devops engineer: I wrote a script that changes the diapers every 15 minutes at any sign of poo. I call it continuo poop integration

Amazon: Prime customers get 1 hour baby deliver to your doorstep

Lua developer: Before we discuss the baby project I built this presentation with 100 slides to explain to the team why Lua is the best thing since sliced bread

C programmer: My baby is the smallest and fastest. It crashes a lot though, I'm trying to figure out why...

IoT developer: In this one hour demo you will watch me writting a bunch of code for 59 minutes and then a led in the baby's diaper will light up at the end

Full stack developer: I built the baby, then built the diaper, then placed the diaper on the baby's head

Me: This baby is never going to work and to be honest I don't even like babies

Android dev: Our baby uses material design

Windows dev: Our baby uses fluent design

COBOL dev: Kids these days...

Thank you thank you, I'm here most Saturdays, calling people's babies ugly

Google: Our baby is in preview

User: But... He's 40 years old?

Apple: To put the iDiaper on the iBaby you will need this $50 dongle

Half way into the project...

Customer: No, not like that!! I wanted something like this!

Dev: But... That's... That's a porcupine?

Customer: Whatever you call it, it's so cute I want that baby ❤️

Open source dev: I've built this baby out of 23 OSS frameworks and some duct tape.

Customer: That's great, what's your name?

Dev: Dr Frankenstein

Me: Ha I made this joke on internet

Wife: OMG babies! 🤗

Me: No! No, no no no. No!

Mixed reality engineer: God, babies are so old school, who does those things anymore? The future will be mixed reality babies all the way. All the fun without the bad smell

Clippy: It looks like you are trying to make a baby!

User: I want a baby

Alexa: Sorry I'm not sure about that

CryptoBro: Every problem your baby currently has our will every have can be fixed with Blockchain

Also CryptoBro: I've just launched CryptoBabies!

Python developer:

import baby
import pandas

Seriously I can't stop. Somebody please take this phone away from me

Tim Ferriss: I just wrote "The 4 hour baby". A collection of lessons from experts explaining how to make a baby in just four hours

Yes I should use auto correct this is embarrassing

CSS dev: I'll just update this style and... What the hell why is the ear on his butt now?

Kerberos dev: You can only change his diapers if both your watches are synchronized first

I CAN'T STOP PLEASE SEND HELP

Hacker: ok, I've got in the baby's diaper and OH SHIT

Data scientist: I wrote this great paper about convolutional networks for making babies

Customer: But where's my baby?

Data scientist: Oh yeah about that... The model didn't converge but my paper got published!

Windows Phone: The cutest of all babies that nobody wanted to adopt

Printer companies: The baby is $25 but every diaper is $1000