Thread by @RandPaul

I came to say Happy #Festivus to my friend Elizabeth Warren. Cant find her.

You’ll be surprised to learn I have some grievances with people in Washington, fellow members and others. It’s time to talk about them now, because it’s the holiday season.

Let’s start with POTUS I like the President, I honestly do. I know people don’t believe me. But the man seems to have a problem keeping staff around him. But they solved the problem. I went to the White House the other day and there were at least 14 ppl in Mick Mulvaney masks.

Mick is a good friend of mine, in fact a lot of people probably don’t remember he was the national co-chair for my Presidential campaign. Uh oh, probably just got him fired.

People are saying that with the recent passage of criminal justice reform, and coming home from wars, that I have a lot of influence on the President. It is true I’m on the phone with him a good amount. But I have to tell you, I haven’t gotten a word in on him in over a year.

Speaking of criminal justice reform, I have to give Jared Kushner credit. He was great on this. And I’m glad I got to know him, because before that I was a bit suspicious he was the kid from the Omen movie all grown up.

And folks, that is NOT who you want in charge of your Middle East peace plans.

I did something to help the President out though. I found him a wall I think will work on the border.

It will be quite lovely really. And It was on sale for $99, so we can open the government back up now.

So moving down the road to Congress. Oh, Congress. Every year it seems things get more absurd. They were so bad this week they made my friend Mike Lee say “doggone”. It was nuts.

Congress has now decided to shut down the government because they aren’t spending enough money. I got suspicious when Ted Cruz came back from Thanksgiving break with that beard.

Ted really should have grown that beard before he ran for President. He looks less Canadian now.

My friend Lindsay Graham is a bit mad right now. You see, he’s never seen a war end before. He’s going to have to console himself with the fact that we still are in about 8 more. I know it will be hard for him, but I think he’ll get by.

I have to tell you; I haven’t seen a Senator who loves war this much since the Star Wars Prequels.

Lindsay and I were on the same side on foreign policy for about 5 minutes a few weeks ago, regarding the Saudis. He said it was a sign of “end times”. I guess we are all gonna live a bit longer after all.

Grievance against the foreign policy establishment of both parties in DC:

Many of these people hold these two views: 1 - that it was horrible to leave the war in Syria and 2 - that it is horrible that General Mattis left, since he was what kept the President from starting WWIII or something. I don’t understand how you hold both of those views.

I’m going to go a bit easier on the grievances against the neocons and warmongers this year though. The Weekly Standard has folded, wars are ending — I really think their holiday is already bad enough, I don’t want to pile on.

Well, actually…let’s talk about John Bolton. I don’t have a grievance. I just really would have liked to have been in the room when the POTUS told him to END a war. How many times do you think he made the President repeat it because he didn’t even know what the words meant?

I opposed John Bolton being hired. But I really can’t think of anything that makes me happier then thinking of him having to end wars for the rest of his time in the White House.

I hear they’re piping this into his office now for the entire Christmas season. .

I’m going to close today by talking about something good that has happened. In fact, some could even say it has its beginnings right here on #Festivus twitter a few years ago. I poked a little fun at my friend Corey Booker.

But then we exchanged some thoughts about bipartisan reforms we could work on, like hemp legalization and criminal justice reforms. Well, it’s a Festivus miracle because Congress passed and the President signed BOTH of those things this week.

All kidding aside, they were important, bipartisan reforms that show how Washington CAN work if people from both sides of the aisle get together on things that make sense. I’m proud to have been a part of both.

So everyone enjoy your feats of strength today. Air your grievances here or in your home. But remember, thanks to Donald Trump we are ALL saying Merry Christmas this year — so repeat after me: MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HOLIDAYS to everyone even the haters and losers.