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oooh boy let's do this -R
Jeremy Irons has the voice of a velveteen gravel pit but I still don't wanna hear him narrate about this "galbatorix" guy -R
ohh wow, I can't tell what's worse - Galbatorix's line delivery or his eye-bag makeup -R
aiight, spunky rebel prince has macguffin and is captured by bad guys while humble blond farmboy yearns for adventure

I can see why people say this is shot-for-shot star wars

Okay, good cinematic juxtaposition for the evil empire dude saying their newly drafted kid soldiers will be "heroes" and then immediately cutting to a butcher wrecking some meat -R
ah. apparently this identically-dressed blond dude is a different blond dude than eragon. This sparring session definitely won't get visually confusing. -R
Whaaaat, childhood buddy is going to leave town and join the rebellion? I've never seen THAT before -R
Oh great, farmboy doesn't even yearn for adventure. That's like fantasy protagonist rule number one!

Ah, but his mom left baby-him there in a hurry before vanishing, so my money's on his dad being important or someone important wanting him dead, or both

I've been staring at dark-ages pastoralism for thirteen minutes with barely any plot in sight. Can we please get to dragons already -R
Wow eragon try looking a little more surprised or enthused about the damn baby dragon in your basement -R
this baby dragon is intensely cute but also kind of looks like a blue hairless monkey so my feelings are conflicted -R
this is the most uncomfortable-looking evil throne room I've ever seen

if I conquer the world you better believe I'm putting cushions on every surface

To its credit, this movie LOOKS great. The set design and costuming are on point. -R
Oh, Jeremy Irons, you're too good for this movie
Also, scuse me, how has everyone forgotten the dragon-riders when one of them is currently RULING THE WORLD as of at most a few DECADES AGO??
(To be fair, star wars has the same problem with the jedi being gone barely a decade)
ah. dragon is big now. and she can fuckin talk. and is psychic. okay a lot just happened -R
jeremy irons we are twenty-five minutes into the movie I swear to christ if you delay the plot ANY longer with your reluctant mentor bullshit I will RIOT -R
Okay, this first dragon-riding sequence is sort of… both fun and tedious? sephira's total lack of patience with eragon's "oooh nooo put me down" routine is funny but eragon's whining is not -R
noooo uncle owen how could this haaaaappen

eragon getting pissed at sephira for his uncle dying makes no sense. she flew him across the valley to his house. how was he gonna get there FASTER on foot?

oh thank god jeremy irons is here to get the plot moving

hey. does his character have a name. I actually don't know.

why on earth does eragon think he could kill the zombie stormtroopers? his only skill so far has been quipping and looking vaguely confused -R
jeremy irons is giving good exposition at a decent clip and it just makes me wonder why the fuck they had him narrate the intro when he's providing the same information at a much more reasonable and less disruptive clip -R
brom! his name is brom. how does eragon know his name is brom?

jeremy irons is still the best bit of this movie and I like how he's clearly so happy to see a living dragon again. acting!

thiiiiiis movie feels like it SHOULD be exciting, but it's missing some vital spark I'm having trouble identifying. maybe cuz the characters all feel so flat? -R
Okay. I was not expecting the movie to cut from "no, disgruntled mentor, we have to help these screaming peasants! I have fighting skills!" to "PROVE those fighting skills with this stick far away from danger!" I mean, just fuck those downtrodden people, right? -R
why doesn't the dragon like jeremy irons again? and why, two sentences later, does she say they need to trust him before he trusts them?

starting to think this is boring because the characters are… absent? inconsistent? they don't feel like proper characters overall

ah, I spy a suspicious, young, attractive dude in a hood. dare I say we've found our han solo? -R
soooo am I crazy or did eragon just yell "rasengan" while firing a glowing blue exploding arrow -R
if magic comes from dragons, why is the language of magic elvish? -R
I'm really tired of fantasy mentors whose only job is to talk up how Incredibly Talented their ward is and how Most People Take Years To Do What They Just Etc Etc -R
okay, so far Eragon's only consistent character trait is dangerous overconfidence. beginning to pin down why I'm not invested in his success. -R
oh no the wormtroopers are after jeremy irons

and upon closer inspection they look… not good. like, popup-halloween-mart not good.

whaaaaaat jeremy irons was a dragon rider I can't believe you're trying to sell this as a plot twist -R
so this previously unmentioned "morzan" dude was seduced by the dark side of the dragon-force and killed jeremy irons's dragon before getting killed himself aaaaaand is this dude eragon's dad? he SHOULD be if he isn't -R
I… feel like this movie needed at least one intimidating villain? galbawhatzit is too monotonous to be scary and I don't even remember this sorcerer's name -R
"join the rebellion… or abandon that to save this random princess? hmmmm. both my dragon and my cranky mentor tell me it's a bad idea… FUCK it let's go SAVE A PRINCESS"

bold of eragon to say brom's forgotten what it means to be a rider when he's had a dragon for three days

eragon is cripplingly overconfident, brom is too cranky to function and sephira has no agency so yeah none of these characters are keeping me in the story -R
"Ahh, a young magician. How quaint." I'm sorry what the fuck does that mean -R
obi-wan irons nooo -R
hey I was right about handsome bow-guy being good, what a shock -R
this death scene would be more moving if Brom's "you gave me my life back" thing actually… made sense? all they've done is backtrack, argue and occasionally share exposition

on the other hand, taking him flying before he dies is ACTUALLY really moving and sad

it just occurred to me that the story still hasn't explained why and how the princess is psychic -R
handsome bow guy's name is mow…tag? orrrr something?

I like how he literally fell out of the sky and was like "sup bitch we're friends now"

wow, the costume department was DEDICATED to putting everybody in leather pants -R
I've heard it's supposed to be a twist that the king has a dragon, but I mean - he's a dragonrider, they SAID. And they keep making spooky dragon noises in his throne room. So… um. -R
Ooh, handsome BOW guy is the son of morzan! neat twist on the formula -R
what the HELL happened to this guy since the last time he was onscreen -R
am I sensing a romantic subplot with this rebel leader guy's daughter? and/or a love triangle with her and the princess? -R
"You look… fit for battle" is a hell of a compliment to pay the girl you like. I'm stealing it. -R
the armor and costume designs continue to look really good - for the good guys. The bad guys all kinda look like backup drummers for KISS. -R
How many damn times will protagonists learn "courage is not the absence of fear it's acting in spite of fear" because I for one am sick of it -R
wow mowtag's prison is entirely lacking in structural integrity but at least he's back in the plot -R
an aerial battle between two flying monsters really shouldn't be boring, right? -R
oh, that's just… that looks WEIRD, right? like a snapchat filter or something -R
good job killing the mouth of sauron, eragon, now you just need to solve the "falling to your death" problem -R
"eragon you can't heal me… your heart isn't strong enough" "BITCH I'M THE PROTAGONIST THAT'S LITERALLY ALL I HAVE GOING FOR ME" -R
aww, handsome bow guy watching over eragon while he sleeps - twilight rules dictate they're in love now -R
I'm confused about why this movie is still going. -R
I think the movie thinks I'm invested in eragon and princess kidnap-victim's relationship and I'm not so can we move on please -R
and it's DONE -R
Oh my god, THIS is where this song comes from?! "Keep Holding On" was my SHIT in 2008 -R
wAIt, the princess was supposed to be an ELF?? -R
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