Let’s make some f***en chilaquiles. Chilaquiles are a Mexican dish that’s a little off the beaten path in America, which is a f***en shame because it’s one of the breakfasts you can have. And like all breakfasts, it’s the best meal any time of the day. #CookingForAssholes 1/
Now, this is not gonna be a traditional chilaquiles. Now normally when I change up a traditional recipe, it’s to save you hopeless assholes some labor, or pre-planning, or to account for the fact that asking you to cook is probably negligence per se on my part. 2/
In this case, however, changing chilaquiles in order to make them taste better, and also easier to cook in the process. So you will shut up and like it because you’re the one taking food advice from a stranger on the Internet, not me. 3/
See, traditional chilaquiles use refried beans and do NOT use tons of bacon, so they tend to be a soggy mess about 3 minutes after you are done cooking them. We are gonna use whole black beans and bacon, and it’s gonna be lit, as the kiddies on here said two years ago. 4/
Let’s do this. Step one: acquire these ingredients. A note about the beer: ideally, you want a dark lager (Negro Modelo, maybe?) but I didn’t have any so I went with what I had on hand like an ordinary asshole does. All that matters: DARK beer. NOT Bud Light, you Philistine. 5/ 
Step one: preheat your oven to 425. cut ten or twenty corn tortillas into inch wide strips. Brush those bastards with some olive oil and spread them on a cookie sheet. Bake them for 10 or 15 minutes until they look like this. Put em in a casserole dish. 6/
You might be tempted here to do a shortcut and get those bastards from the store that come in the brown bag and are fried and salted. Listen, you lazy asshole, when it’s okay to do a shortcut, don’t I tell you that? Don’t I let you use canned beans and tomatoes? 7/
One of the best things about this dish is that we’re gonna make a delicious Mexican-y soup that is gonna absorb into these tortilla strips and turn them into the most delicious thing your sorry ass has ever cooked. The fried strips would reject absorbing nuclear waste. 8/
So you’ve made some tortilla strips and definitely not purchased them from a bag, so while those are baking, do your prep work. Slice up a red onion. Mince 4 cloves of garlic. Dice up a couple peppers. I used jalapeños but Fresno or Serrano are good, too. 9/
I know the gangster part of you is gonna talk shit about you for it, but go ahead and remove the seeds. This shouldn’t be a dish that you test your asshole’s pain tolerance threshold for. Save that for your nachos or your Indian food or... however else you might do that. 10/
Also chop up some bacon into one inch cubes. Heat up a LITTLE bit of olive oil in a cast iron skillet. We want to cut the bacon grease a bit but we still want to mostly be cooking with bacon grease and not (grumble grumble) reasonably healthy oil. Drop the bacon in there. 11/
When that s**t looks pretty crispy, pull it out of there and leave the grease. Into the grease drop the onion, peppers, and garlic. Saute it up for, you know, a few minutes. If s**t catches fire, it’s been too long. 12/
Drain and rinse two cans of black beans. Drop them in there with a healthy glump of chili powder and cumin. A tablespoon-ish of each. Add a can of diced tomatoes and a cup of the beer. 13/
Keep that s**t going on medium high until it starts thickening up, like so. I hope you kept your oven on. If not, turn it back on to 425. 14/
Once that’s thickened up, drop it in the casserole dish on top of the tortilla strips and spread it out. Make sure you get all the juice in there. Spread the bacon bits on top and grate a couple or four cups of coJack or pepper jack cheese over the top. Stick back in the oven 15/
Meanwhile, get out a skillet and brace yourself because I’m going to ask you to do something that requires actual touch: fry some eggs. Try to get them over medium or runnier. 16/
When the cheese on top starts bubbling pull it out of the oven. It should look like something you would already kill your mother for. But we are gonna make it even more amazing still. 17/
Dice up a f**ken avocado and put it on top. If you are feeling a little extra, squeeze some lime juice on top of that. Then top with that delicious fried egg and grind some pepper over the top. Enjoy the best brunch you or anyone else has ever served. End. 18/
