Let’s make some blackened f***en salmon. Here, ordinary asshole, I’m going to prepare an entire meal that requires almost no cutting, includes side dishes, in less than 40 minutes and will make you look like someone who doesn’t eat most of his meals out of a freezer. 1/
First, acquire all these ingredients, although some of them are going to be optional, as we will discuss later. Not optional: the salmon, you idiot. You need the salmon. 2/ 
Next, make your blackening rub. This is important: I forbid you from measuring any of these spices. Like homemade BBQ sauce, the best blackening rub comes from just eyeballing the s**t you have hanging around. BUT! There are some ratios you wanna keep in mind. 3/
First, the primary ingredient should be paprika. A lot of it. I use smoked paprika because it’s the best but if you wanna use inferior paprika that’s your business. Get a good helping of that paprika in there. A couple tablespoons at least. 4/
You should be wondering: did he really mean for me to use this much paprika? When you’ve reached that much, add some more. Then roughly half that much cayenne and onion powder, plus some salt and fresh cracked pepper. 5/
Now you wanna add some accent flavor. Some basil? Sure. Oregano? Sure. Thyme? Go for it. Sage? Why not? Any of those leafy herbs are fine but use a SMALL AMOUNT of each. The amount of these combined should be less than the cayenne you used. 6/
I don’t care if you really like basil and oregano, this isn’t lasagna. Use that s**t sparingly. Mix that stuff together with a fork. Your rub should look like this: angry, like Gary Busey in rehab. You should be a little afraid of it. Preheat oven to 350. 7/
Next, start cooking some rice. No self respecting person serves salmon without rice, or pronounces the “L” in salmon. Follow the package directions, unless the directions call for water, which you’ll substitute for chicken broth just like someone who likes good food. 8/
Now we are going to do the only cutting we are required to do in this recipe: cut off the wooden ends of some asparagus. Drizzle with olive oil, a pinch of salt, and a bunch of ground pepper. Throw on top some prosciutto, Parmesan, and pine nuts. Toss lightly. Set aside. 9/
Nuke a stick of butter in the microwave. LOL you thought this was gonna be healthy because it had salmon. Using a brush or a spoon, coat your salmon in butter and dredge both sides though your rub. Drop your salmon into a pan that has been heated over fairly high heat. 10/
Now listen: this is gonna make your place smoke and you’re gonna want to turn the heat down, but don’t. It should be at least 7 out of 10. Blackened salmon requires a good solid sear, and that means high heat. 11/
Now fancy pants people will say you can avoid this by leaving the skin on, which they claim is delicious. I’m an ordinary asshole so I don’t pretend to like eating fish skin, which is gross, so we are searing this instead. Two minutes on one side, then flip. 12/
Now take some of your leftover butter and spoon over the top of your salmon. Throw the asparagus in the oven because it need to roast for 10–12 minutes. Periodically spoon more butter over the top and if you run out, use the butter in the pan. 13/
After 7-8 minutes, pull your salmon off the heat. Your rice should be done. Keep an eye on that asparagus. When the grated parm and prosciutto and asparagus are looking a bit crispy and your pine nuts golden brown, pull that s**t out of the oven. 14/
Put all that on a plate like and enjoy a fully composed meal like a fully grown human. That’s right, even ordinary assholes can cook good food. 15/
