,
19 tweets,
3 min read
Read on Twitter
Gaslighting is common in family but it is very acceptable in South Asian families. It's normalised to a dangerous degree and it is usually a form of manipulation that is dressed as concern.
Gaslighting looks like an assertion of power in South Asian families. Often, age and years of experience is used to dismiss the lived experiences or opinions of younger folk. Assertion of beliefs like 'we know what's best for you' is also commonplace
There's also a lot of talk that indicates that the children owe something to their parents for being provided the basic necessities and quality care. 'We've done so much for you' is used as a bargaining chip or an axe waiting to drop on the head.
This is what makes it difficult to draw boundaries without feeling guilt. It's like a lifelong debt you didn't sign up for but you have to pay because you were born. There is no escape.
Everything from small decisions or major life decisions become dominated by the control exercised by the older folk - career decisions to who one should marry, what kind of friends one must have, what subjects and hobbies are with enjoying. Control = power
And since this behaviour is experienced since childhood, it sets a baseline for normal. Parents are the first role models that children have. It's the first reference. They're painted as invincible because the brain doesn't want to tarnish the image of its perfect role models.
It's also a root cause for a number of triggers to mental health stressors and internalised shame for making autonomous choices, for having differentiating beliefs and for persistent anxiety. There is a degree of trauma here that goes unrecognised and that is normalised.
This lived experience is constantly invalidated by the children themselves because invalidation is common in a culture of gaslighting. The invisibility of emotional stress is not tangible like a career or appraisal.
So children lie. They lie to protect themselves because there's a craving and happiness that is derived from being authentic. Then there's the guilt that comes from lying because of the debt owed to 'But we've done so much for you'. It's a vicious cycle.
And because South Asian parenting is often glorified, generations internalise this style of gaslighting as the way to parent. 'Of course you insult them so they understand. It's tough love.' No, it's called diminishing a child's self worth even before it's adequately developed
The glorification, the status equated to gods, the 'they can never do or think wrong' credibility adds to this invincibility that is internalised since we're very little kids, wearing our fathers ties and draping our mothers dupattas as saree. We want to be them, after all.
But it's dehumanising because flaws are common in everyone and this degree of glorification negatively affects the older + younger folk. The younger folk struggle to see the parents as human beings who can/are allowed to commit mistakes and the older folk cannot accept a mistake
Raising a child is so bloody difficult and given the sociopolitical and socioeconomic statuses of families, the struggles become that much harder.
But there's a pressure for parents to live up to this God status and that can be crippling and maybe even lead to some resentment so how does one accept that they're making mistakes without experiencing guilt so now the stress is projected on the kids
Boundaries are normal and necessary in ALL relationships but this enmeshment in South Asian families is advertised as beautiful and as a depiction of connection and strong bonds so now there are new expectations to live up to, new stressors to handle
The desire for power is consistent irrespective of how old the kids get. You need to act like an adult but god forbid you have a differing opinion at 30 and you will be asked to stay in your lane because you're not 'adult enough' yet. Like persistent subordination
The only point of writing this is to show that this shouldn't be normal & it's ok if you hold anger towards your parents/experience sadness. It can coexist with your love + regard for them. It shouldn't feel necessary to pass levels of examinations to prove your worth as a child.
It doesn't mean that you're a bad kid. It means that you're a human experiencing a spectrum of emotions derived from your lived experiences. That's okay. The invalidating voice in your head might get louder when these emotions arise, but maybe that's not your voice in your head.
