Recognising gas lighting. Gas lighting is a very common form of psychological manipulation and abuse. It can go unnoticed or get dismissed under the umbrella of abuse because of how subtle it is. It’s also gradual in nature and easily normalised.
Gas lighting is seen in all relationships, not only romantic relationships. It’s a manipulative technique where the emotional burden of a relationship is carried most often by one out of the two people involved.
Easy dismissal - When you express your concern about something and are first met with ‘it never happened’, ‘you’re imagining this’, ‘only you think of it this way’, ‘stop making a big deal out of everything’, 'why are you always whining?'etc - it is gas lighting.
By dismissing one’s concern, this way of gas lighting also trivialises one’s emotional response to a situation. It encourages the internalisation of shame very easily and the victim starts dismissing themselves more frequently when this pattern is takes over.
Questioning judgment - ‘Are you sure this even happened?’ ‘Don’t you think you’re overreacting?’ ‘Were you even paying attention?' 'Don't you think you're reading too much into this?' are some of the most obvious ways in which this tactic manifests.
By doing this, the gaslighter is working on denying the facts because it is convenient for them to avoid the consequences of the situation. The more they question, the less you question.
The conquest of control - Gaslighters are always looking to have an upper hand in any situation because they want the outcome to sway in their favour. It is complex psychological abuse.
‘Oh so you cannot do this much for me?’ ‘When have I asked you for anything at all?’ ‘How can you do this to me?’ are questions that feed off of guilt. Guilt eats away at people and it’s easier to give in when one’s conscience is targeted constantly.
Now I understand that all of us have had reactive, emotional responses where we have said these things. However, with gas lighting, you’re looking for a pattern.
If you’re examining multiple situations where it feels like you’ve had to unfairly give up, maybe there is more over in that relationship that is worth reassessing.
Swaying the conversation -
‘How can you say something like that?’
‘You sound upset. I think we should watch a film so you can calm down.’
‘No, I want to know why you would say something like that.’
‘Are you PMSing’?
‘How can you say something like that?’
‘You sound upset. I think we should watch a film so you can calm down.’
‘No, I want to know why you would say something like that.’
‘Are you PMSing’?
Aligning with the themes of everything we’ve discussed so far, this tactic tries to shift blame on the person experiencing the distress because the gaslighter does not want responsibility. Like it's the victim's fault for having any response that inconveniences the gaslighter.
Gaslighters try to trick memory, they make people question beliefs, instincts, emotions, everything. When challenged, they label the same person as angry, unappreciative, ungrateful, mopey, whiny, etc.
They also lie blatantly. When questioned, they can turn it against the victim and blame them for mistrusting.
‘I know you lied to me last night.’
‘How do you never trust me after everything I have done for you?’
‘I know you lied to me last night.’
‘How do you never trust me after everything I have done for you?’
Noticing patterns and themes in behaviour can help folks in recognising gas lighting. If you feel constantly anxious in a relationship, that is a red flag too. If you feel taken advantage of, red flag. If you're fearful of voicing your opinion, red flag. Emotional exhaustion too.
Recognising these patterns can be the first step towards resistance. It can make one alert, which can be very beneficial.
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