I’m embroiled in an intense community conflict resolution process atm.
Things I’ve learned:
Things I’ve learned:
If you’re ‘resolving conflict’ and at no point has anyone raise their voice, or worse, people are slumped over checking their phones, no true conflict resolution is happening. You need the soft animals to be awake to heal.
Even between the most dysfunctional people, longstanding conflict only arises when there is competition for something - whether it’s power in a group, or important relationships. If two people clash but there’s no power struggle involved, one or both will generally just leave.
Conflict resolution processes need to acknowledge and adapt to peoples’ various defense mechanisms. Often conflict is intensified when the defense mechanism of one person clashes with that of another.
E.g. one person shuts down when they feel attacked, and pulls away from the person they feel hurt by. Another needs to communicate, often highly emotionally and uncontrollably, in order to make themselves feel safe. These two patterns intensify each other.
Everyone has a need to feel safe. And almost everyone has maladaptive parts of them that make it hard to feel safe in certain (normal) situations. Accommodating these fears can be a great help to getting them into the conversation.
A group is the sum of all the individual relationships in the group, plus the relationship of the entire group when it interacts. A group can be severely hindered by deteriorating relationships between two people, and have it affect other relationships.
Starting to resolve conflict and rebuild trust must first start with a recognition of common desires, even if, especially if, they are zero-sum. E.g. you and I have a need to feel safe in our own space, and the other makes us feel unsafe.
Frameworks and etiquette can be weaponised as a way of delegitimising the expression of complex feelings about relationships. E.g. NVC, while amazing, can be used by some to deny their responsibility for hurting others.
A good mediator can make a world of difference. Can take a while for them to get up to speed, but they can be incredible for being able to recognise when people are being defensive/aggressive/need to cool down, + to be the recipient of the new story the people build together.
You are in the wrong. If you are involved, there is something you could have done to resolve it differently. If you don’t believe that, you’re still operating without understanding the other person’s perspective, or being able to view your own actions from afar.
Being able to make that first apology, even if it’s not about the biggest issue, is super valuable. Giving a true apology without expecting anything in return, just genuinely feeling regret+thoughtfulness+compassion, can knock out a lot of their anger and fear.
Beware of nitpicking. If you’ve devolved into 'he said, she said', you’re already both losing. Extended conflict is almost always about how it makes you feel, and that’s the level at which you’re going to get a resolution.
Be realistic with yourself about how much you want your given outcome versus how much you want a resolution. Sometimes it's necessary to play ‘hardball’, AND it is likely to make relationships disintegrate even more. On very rare occasions, it’s worth it.
If part of the conflict is about abusive behaviour, then everyone (including the abusive person; if possible) needs to be on watch for such behaviour and use all the courage they have to call it out when they see it.
This can be very valuable feedback for the person but is so hard to give without the backup of others who feel the same way, particularly if there is gaslighting involved.
If there’s an aggressive/manipulative person at the heart of it, I recommend ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ as a primer on the lifelong impact of childhood trauma. Compassion is very helpful (as long as you are also able to protect yourself over letting them continue to hurt you).
Common ground is a cliché, but it is literally the heart of eventually building consensus on something everyone agrees on. As you find more important things that people agree on, you start to feel more compassionate and loving towards them, and feel less threatened by them.
As I try to build trust with someone, I move back and forth between working on dependability and liking/loving. If someone really cares about me, AND they are able to keep their promises to me, and vice versa, we will have a great relationship. That is my aim.
