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Kids, I’ve had my way with a lot of buffets in my day and I’m gonna share some knowledge with you. Get ready.
1. The plates are always smaller and heavier than normal plates. This is intentional. You’re not a pig, that plate is gaslighting you. Load up.
Same goes for the serving spoons/tongs. They intentionally make them heavy. Remember, eat with your eyes and also trust them. They know how much you want.
2. Before you dive in, do a quick scan of all the offerings. You won’t be sorry!! Often the best stuff is at the end so that you’re like “Damn I loaded up on baby carrots so I have no room for salmon.” Fuck that. Do your recon.
3. Do not accept the roles your food has been assigned. Those cherry tomatoes look good but they are near a pile of iceberg, therefore making them toppings? No. FUCK NO.
Skip the lettuce and make yourself a veggie/fruit/cheese spread. That dressing is now dip. You tossed some bacon bits from the salad bar into your mac and cheese? You’re a legend.
4. The expensive, big ticket items are laid out in smaller dishes/potions. Don’t worry, there’s more.
5. IF THIS IS A “PAY BY THE POUND” SITUATION, DRAIN ALL LIQUIDS. REPEAT: DRAIN ALL LIQUIDS. DO NOT PAY ONE CENT FOR LOOSE OLIVE BRINE.
6. I’ve eaten wet food off the floor but I would not fuck with mayo based buffet items except for coleslaw. But, hey, your body your choice.
7. Use as many plates as you need. As many as you need. I’d recommend a hot plate and a cold plate but consider sauce mingling, course consistency, etc.
8. Back to the “by the pound” hot bar deals — are you REALLY going to pay for white rice when there’s likely fried rice as well? Do you, but think this through.
9. No one is counting how many times you get up. And if they are I hope they can count to number “I’m living life and stretching my dollar, sir.”
10. Most importantly — YOU TIP 20%. It does not matter that you were the one “bringing the food”. A lot of people worked to make that food and clean your 10,000 beautifully dirty plates. Tip 20%, say thanks, and god bless this land of all you can eat experiences. Good night!
