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As an avid reader of advice columns, there is an inescapable pattern in questions submitted by women. A great many of them, no matter the ostensible topic, boil down to a variant on "How do I deal with [toxic/unworkable/uncomfortable situation] without upsetting anyone?" 1/10
Why is "not upsetting anyone" such a huge concern? Because I hate to tell you this, but a lot of the time addressing a situation in which someone else is causing you distress without causing them any is not really an option. Why does theirs matter more than yours? 2/10
If the person in question was reasonable and mature, they'd be able to accept being confronted without getting upset. But if they were reasonable and mature, you probably wouldn't be in [situation] in the first place. 3/10
I mean, I KNOW why this is such a concern. Female socialization ruins the party again, alas (cf @MyFavMurder). Women are constantly in situations in which they need to assert boundaries or confront someone's behavior, and all they can think about is not upsetting anyone. 4/10
[Caveat: I am not talking about situations here where a confrontation may result in physical danger, or in the context of abusive relationships. I'm talking about ordinary friend/neighbor/coworker situations and non-critical distress.] 5/10
If you need to confront a behavior or assert your own boundaries, and the other person gets upset, that is not your responsibility or your emotional burden to bear. That's on them, not on you. 6/10
If someone puts you in a situation where you are eventually forced to confront them, then you doing so is their natural consequence for having put you in that position. You are not doing this TO them. They have created the situation which prompted your response. 7/10
The tendency is for women to think they are initiating a situation when they confront, when in fact, they are responding to a situation that already exists. It's not an attack, it's a defense. 8/10
It's the old "the teacher doesn't GIVE you a grade, you EARN a grade" principle. If you're a jerk to someone, and they confront you about it, and you feel bad, they didn't make you feel bad. You created the situation that made them confront you. Deal with it. 9/10
Tagging a few of my fave columnists as I'd be interested in their thoughts. @CAwkward @HaMKnowItAll @AskAManager @DrNerdLove 10/10
