Thread by @Sikamikanico

So after finishing uni/starting full time work last October, the first extravagant thing I bought myself was a VIP ticket to #dragcon2019. It was extravagant alright - I had no trip planned, no passport, hadn't been overseas since 2003. But sounds neat, let's, do it! 1/

Over the next few months, through loads of scrimping, the trip came together. Passport, flights, accommodation. Through it all there was still life: my job is gruelling (I've had to call 000 on suicidal people and console parents whose child has died 2/

Then the usual pain of being separated from my kid, my old demons and a new autoimmune condition. But hey, Drag Con! So exciting, but best of all, meeting Trixie and Katya. On hard days I'd watch UNHhhh while getting ready for work. It became a daily habit. 3/

And people would say to me why are you going to LA it's awful there, go to Thailand or Japan. And I'd doubt my decision, but hey, Drag Con. I was going to meet Trixie and Katya! 4/

I know they're the most popular queens and would have long lines, but my $USD300 VIP pass promised priority access to meeting queens. After forking out that much money, I thought it wouldn't be a problem. It never occurred to me I wouldn't get to see them.

The last few weeks of excitement as the trip loomed were wonderful for me - for the first time in years I was free of feelings of suicide ideation. Is this how normal people live? Not seeing life through the lens of ending it? My reactive depression was reacting to the trip. 6/

Anyway at long last it is time, I arrive in LA and it was time for Drag Con. And as an autist I tend to fixate. The main thing was to meet Trixie and Katya, say hi and grt a photo, normal things, but that was what I was most looking forward to. 7/

The big day! I got up at 7, did my makeup, put on my fairy bread dress and matching bow, and head off on a ridiculously chilly morning to the LA convention centre. #DragCon 8/

There was a live taping of UNHhhh but TBH that went by in a blur, so focused was I on what was to happen next. I had the perfect joke to tell trixie and one of my friends asked me to out in a good work with Katya. 9/

So... We rush out of the panel and over to the booths where the Queens would be doing meet and greets. Long lines. But it soon became apparent that the VIP line, although roped off, wasn't being used at all. 10/

There was some confusion. Staff told me to stand here then there then here again. Finally a staff member revealed that unbeknownst to me, you needed separate tickets to meet Trixie and Katya. Wherever these tickets came from, they were gone now. 10/

I would not be meeting Katya or Trixie.

I had flown 14 hours & spent thousands of dollars in total including $300 on a VIP pass and now I wasn't going to get to meet them.

Now I knew how they felt when they flew to Brisbane and were turned back 12/

The website said nothing about tickets. I know cause I printed it all out, highlighted what was important and brought it in a file folder. I had done a reconnoitre of the place on Friday, no mention of tickets. 13/

In the moment though, the sorrow hit me like a cold wet rug, you know one of those ones with a bad smell. I started to hyperventilate, and security hustled me to first aid. When they learned my problem was mental, they tried to encourage me to see the bright side. 14/

I'm very good at seeing the bright side. It got me through living in a boarding house while at uni in my mid 30s while seeing my son once a week. But I didn't want to make the best of this bad experience - this wasn't supposed to be a bad experience! 15/

What happened next was weird. In minutes all of the gloom, the misery and morbid fantasises, that I'd been free of for months returned, like the antagonist in a horror movie poking their grinning head in the door 16/

I hasten to add, not getting to see two blokes in dresses didn't cause these feelings. It was a little chip, but enough to cause a crack in my defences and let the gloom start pouring in. 17/

Feeling trapped in a fog of doom cut off from humanity is bad enough in your own city. In a strange place it's terrifying. I stumbled around down town LA, both angry this happened and feeling sadder and worse, saying to myself "I wanr to go home" 18/

If I have to be like this let it be with my cat and plants and books and G poking his silly sandy head in. 19/

Tomorrow I'll decide for sure on leaving early. LA is cold and miserable and now forever the place where the dementors came back. So to speak. Also SF is my next stop and that doesn't even feel like a safe place for me 20/

I've also written a cordial but questioning email to @RuPaulsDragCon on selling $300 tickets that are worthless.

There's no punchline here, just a story of how a soup of neurodiversity, mental illness and childish excitement caused me to bawl at Drag Con. /fin

I did meet @thetammiebrown today and she thought I had a Welsh accent 😊 and look at this beautiful LA sunset