the past few days i’ve had several conversations that were emotionally heavy. one was with the gay pornstar in palm springs, who told me that he couldn’t stop thinking of me—the song i sang for him came on the radio on his drive to palm springs. he said he really was interested
he told me about it—the evening drive, the radio singing that song. he saw something he could be happy with in the moments we met. & i understood that. sometimes it happens. i felt heavy when he said this. should i have given it a shot for his sake? but i knew it wasn’t for me
i knew immediately that he wouldn’t be a long term partner i would grow old. i would enjoy the attention & care, but wouldn’t, at all, be happy. i knew by then who i loved—it made no sense. but still, part of me ached for him because i understood that longing.
sunday evening i told the guy how i felt. it was the most level-headed but also the most anxious conversation i’d had in a long time. he said that he felt like he wanted to give me that as well but he wasn’t there—same energy, different side of the coin. i understood that too
i’m learning to hold my feelings in so that they don’t require external resolution, that nothing be rushed. but a feeling stays: one that braces for the worst. my old ways of dealing with these things are clearly impotent, so i have to learn how to be careful with my own heart
when i was younger i would have ripped off the bandage quickly and made the decision myself—but i’m learning that isn’t always wise or the most loving act for myself or others. so i sit. not necessarily waiting, just watching what is before me. like watching a stream
then on monday the professor messages me, full of longing and sadness. i miss you every day he says. & i ached for that too because i understood that longing. when i ended things with him a month ago it was for many reasons, but largely because i understood i would be repeating—
repeating a relationship i had with my ex-husband in many ways. he didn’t understand things about where i was & the different needs that a relationship with me would require. i saw that he was ill-prepared & i knew i had no energy to go through that again. he said i was right
but maybe i would be wrong. but even then i’d already made my decision & i saw it for myself, i wasn’t always wanting to see him, i could see how i was just skating along with the relationship, nothing was really being built on my end. & by then i had an inkling about my heart
he asked if we could see each other again in september, just as friends or to reconsider how we would be in each other’s lives. i think he’s a good person & i would be happy to be friends with him, but i feel that he still holds a torch for me. i can’t in good faith allow that
but also who am i to tell someone to stop longing for me, for the version they saw in their future? i understand that pain too well. & so tonight, i guess everything is heavy & i know this will pass too. i’m okay, i’m not in trouble, but i’m sad about all this
being human is hard. feelings are difficult. i wish we could all be with the people we love, but sometimes we just know when someone isn’t our person, or when we cannot stand to lose someone in our lives. i always ask myself: will a space be unfilled if someone leaves?
if the space a person leaves behind becomes a clearing where only grass will grow, where the trees of my heart leave barren out of respect, then i know: at least i will try to have them there. i did it with corin, with k. i understood my heart & stayed true to myself.
i didn’t settle, i just changed how i cared for them. because i think that’s true love. you want their happiness & if your presence brings them a semblance of it, you stay in their lives until you have to go. anyway. it’s been a long day. at least my cat calls me to bed—
reminds me to take care of myself, take a new day for my own. & whether or not i’m in love, or beloved in the same ways, whatever it is, i have my day for myself & only myself. i still decide who walks the mountains with me.
