Thread by @MichaelRosenYes

In spite of a lockdown on communication coming out of No 10, we are receiving coded messages from someone on the inside who we are calling: the Singing Detective. Here’s one: “Cummings wearing WW2 army helmet. Has handcuffed Gove to a chair.”

More to come as and when we receive them. We are monitoring Gove’s condition as well as we can. We are extremely worried that Cummings and Johnson might use him in some kind of stand off with law enforcers.

Gove has asked for something to eat. Cummings says that supplies are running low, Gove may be the first to go. When it comes to calories Boris is the priority: 'Keep the captain alive,' he says.

Hancock says that perhaps we could feed Gove to Boris. Not sure if this is a joke or not. Liz Truss suggests trading Gove for Kate Hoey. Not sure if this is a joke either. Things are getting quite tense.

While Sajid was out seeing an old friend from Deutsche Bank, Boris passed round note saying no one must say bad stuff about Muslims in front of Sajid so easiest thing is: stop using word 'Muslim' altogether and say 'Harrovian' instead.

This has led to a whole lot of guffawing about Harrow School from the old Etonians but am beginning to think they really mean Harrow anyway. Gove has had his mouth taped up.

Gove has indicated that he wants to go to the toilet. Cummings has commanded that someone will have to go with him, in case he gets a message out to his wife and the Daily Mail. Result: no one has volunteered to go with Gove to the toilet. Tricky moment.

Boris called everyone to order, said that he's piffled orf with this Brexit film-flummery and announced that he's going to spend the summer writing a biography of someone he's always admired: Julius Caesar. Heard someone say, 'Will you be mentioning the assassination?'

Cummings ordered Gavin Williamson to go with Gove to the toilet. 'You're the expert on leaks, after all,' he said. No one knew whether to laugh or not until Liz Truss laughed for us.

Everyone's talking about 'vonking'. It means passing a Vote of No Confidence. Cummings has put up a chart with 3 columns of Tory MPs' names: 'With Us', 'Waverers', and 'F*****g Traitors'. He's talking about a future 'Day of Reckoning for Tory Vonkers'.

Huge blow-up. Liz Truss walked past Raab and said to him, 'Hey Dom, actually though, you didn't mention No Deal during the Referendum Campaign did you?' Raab turned into Alan B'Stard x 100 and screamed, 'So f*****g what, Little Miss Tw*t'. Not a lot of progress today.

Cummings said it was time to do the evening register and started reading everyone's name. When it got to 'Grant Shapps, two people said, 'Present, Mr Cummings!' one of whom I've never seen before. When it got to Boris, there was no answer because he was asleep.

Rees-Mogg woke Boris up with 'Ubi puella, o princeps!' which I gather means, 'Where's the girl, O Prince!' - Mogg is taking the living-in-sin thing rather badly even if everything else looks good. He says: constitutionally there's no reason why Corbyn can't be put in the Tower.

Cummings jabbed his finger forwards and said , ‘Never mind Corbyn. It’s the mad, giant-brain, Svengali, megalomaniac, twisted genius who’s pulling all Corbyn’s strings you want to worry about.’ And everyone went quiet.

Lynton Crosby was with Priti Patel for about half an hour. She stared at a cardboard cut-out of Emily Maitlis while repeating, ‘I’ve never been in favour of the death penalty’ until he snapped his fingers and said, ‘Back in the room, you’re Priti Javid - I mean - Patel’.

Disturbed by strident voice from outside. Looked out: Mrs Gove holding press conference on doorstop of No 10 . Caught her saying,”...my husband is the Duke of Lancaster and the country’s foremost authority on fronted adverbials...” before it got drowned out by haw-hawing in here.

Boris called everyone together: ‘I want you to go out there,tell the British people that everything’s gonna be supercharged and turbocharged!’James Cleverly said, ‘You mean they’re going to charge more for everything in the shops?’ Cummings kneed him in the crotch to shut him up.

Everyone started packing. Zac Goldsmith shouted to Crosby, ‘When do we start kicking in the Musl-‘ but then he remembered the code: ‘- the Harrovians?’ Cleverly (who was standing next to Sajid) said, ‘Isn’t that a code for something?’ And Cummings kneed him in the crotch again.

“Before you all go,” Boris said, “if the press ask you any tricksy questions about supply chains and stuff, tell them that we’ve got this covered: I’ve put Chris Grayling in charge.” “That’s great,” James Cleverly said.

Bags all packed, Rees-Mogg and Boris looked at each other with tears in their eyes, remembering summer farewells at Eton. ‘Dolor fortior fecit.’ Boris said.(Pain makes you stronger.) It was something he used to say when he was pummelling the heads of younger boys.

We posed for a group-shot on the steps of No 10 and went off in our various directions.I was the last to leave and I heard a whimpering sound from inside.I popped back in to see what it was - it was Gove. We had left him tied to a chair. 'Fair enough', I said to myself and left.

The End.